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+--- Thread: Missing (/thread-15847.html)
Missing - lanallama - 10-29-2014
Last night I fell asleep
trying to breathe you in but
it was almost as if I were
suffocating because I couldn't
get enough of your scent into my lungs,
my lungs they ache as I
try to take deep
breaths so I don't die of missing you,
missing,
missing air,
missing oxygen to breathe you in.
RE: Missing - ellajam - 11-03-2014
Hi, lana, welcome. Just five thoughtful critiques in the workshops to become a full member.
I'm having a hard time commenting on this because although you effectively get your emotion across I can't really find any interesting language or metaphor that grabs me. You might start with considering your breaks. For example "my lungs they ache as I" might be more effective with the break on "ache".
Good luck with it, hope you enjoy the site.
(10-29-2014, 01:02 PM)lanallama Wrote: Last night I fell asleep
trying to breathe you in but
it was almost as if I were
suffocating because I couldn't
get enough of your scent into my lungs,
my lungs they ache as I
try to take deep
breaths so I don't die of missing you,
missing,
missing air,
missing oxygen to breathe you in.
RE: Missing - RSaba - 11-03-2014
Hello, and welcome!
I like short poems that convey a strong feeling, and I think this has the potential to be one. However, though the feelings are there, they feel black and white. What I mean is, there are no images here, only words - no metaphors, similes, etc. While of course you can't just go sticking literary devices into poetry randomly, they will go miles when done properly. When you read this poem, what images appear in your mind? Show them to the reader so that they can really feel what you're feeling, with more than just one sense. We have five senses - put them to good use!
That being said, I do like the style you write. I'm going to leave a few notes here to help with the flow of the poem. But please think about what I said, and see if you can expand this piece into something stronger.
(10-29-2014, 01:02 PM)lanallama Wrote: Last night I fell asleepI hope this helps!
trying to breathe you in but
it was almost as if I were was
suffocating because I couldn't
get enough of your scent into my lungs, I would end the sentence here and start fresh on the next line. Also, having the word "lungs" twice so close together isn't ideal, but that's up to you. Personally, I would begin the next line simply with "They ache."
my lungs they ache as I "my lungs they ache" is stylized, feels like lyrics, feels forced. "my lungs ache" will do just fine.
try to take deep
breaths so I don't die of missing you,
missing,
missing air,
missing oxygen to breathe you in.
Breathing, air, oxygen... here images begin to form in my head but dissipate as soon as the poem ends. You can do something powerful with them, I am sure of it.
RE: Missing - SimikPK - 11-03-2014
Hi, please do post at least 5 valid feedbacks in the poetry worshop forums.
(10-29-2014, 01:02 PM)lanallama Wrote: Last night I fell asleep Making the night the "last night" is good - it is more specific and in the context of the poem gives the sense of immediacy. However, I can hardly imagine someone suffocating asleep. If it was just o dream or something like that, try to convey it in a better, more imaginaive way than just "it was almost as if"...The good point of the poem is the central image - the need of breathing another person/scent in. In case you want to make the poem longer, you can develop on that. Otherwise, what you say can be said in much fewer words - removing the redundant words and putting the important ones at the line breaks would do the poem much good. Consider:
trying to breathe you in but Words like "but, if, as, almost..." mean very little and usually can be done away with. Also, the line breaks, the so called "power placement places" are places where you put a word or a phrase that you want to highlight. Words with little or no meaning, or synsemantic words - words that gain meaning only in combination with other words, do not work well here.
it was almost as if I were The same can be conveyed without the first three words.
suffocating because I couldn't
get enough of your scent into my lungs, Concerning the aforementioned power placement, consider: as if I were suffocating/because I couldnt get enough of your scent/into my aching lungs.
my lungs they ache as I - Redundant line, its only message is that the lugns ache. That can be put into the line above, as I wrote. The good point here is that you describe a scent of the missed person that someone lives on - that you mention its need in the lungs, not just in the air or sensoric centres in brain or whatever. That is, to me, the strongest idea and the central image of the poem.
try to take deep
breaths so I don't die of missing you,
missing,
missing air, missing, dying of missing is cliché. The missing can be worked out from the mention of the suffocating - lack of...
missing oxygen to breathe you in. Why downgrade nice image of scent of a loved/missed person into mere air or oxygen? The scent itself carries that part of meaning - that it is in the air. Breathe you in is also good image, and would be a good shift from "your scent" into "you" - the whole being. The problem is that you mention "breathing you in" at the begining of the poem, so it lacks the power.
Last night I almost suffocated,
trying to breathe into my aching lungs
that of which I didnt have enough:
Your scent.
Using too many words is the problem many of us novice poets face, so no worries.
RE: Missing - billy - 11-04-2014
try and weed out words that don't add anything and try to escape from using cliche till you can use them wisely.
in truth a lot of the poem tells/shows us nothing new and the poem is too wordy.
(10-29-2014, 01:02 PM)lanallama Wrote: Last night I fell asleep cliche/mundane for an opening line
trying to breathe you in but no need for but
it was almost as if I were
suffocating, because I couldn't
get enough of your scent into my lungs,
my lungs they ache as I
try to take deep
breaths so I don't die of missing you,
missing,
missing air,
missing oxygen to breathe you in.
RE: Missing - AronVanSciver - 11-09-2014
I like how this poem feels thin and unstructured. It's desperate to make itself exist like its content is desperate for air. It feels light and as breathable as air.
RE: Missing - purplejupiter - 11-10-2014
I love the reliability of this poem and the fact that it immediately evokes the desperation in loving someone so much. I think that your message may be a little bit stronger if you actually cut back on the word "missing" a bit. I know that is what you are going for, but it would be so much more powerful in creating the sense of emptiness if you left with a single, isolated word at the end as opposed to the repetition of the actual word "missing".
RE: Missing - lanallama - 11-11-2014
Thank you so much for the feedback, it was truly very helpful! I will try to critique other poems and will edit this one as soon as possible.