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+--- Thread: old painting (/thread-11011.html)
old painting - rayheinrich - 07-16-2013
old painting
spring looks into
the look of you
or another that's quite different:
spring photograph
you
looking into summer
RE: old painting - rayheinrich - 07-16-2013
(07-16-2013, 01:10 PM)billy Wrote: a clever one, it fits all the criteria as far as i can tell of a haiku
the look of spring being the painting.
it also makes the you part of the picture as well.
nicely done.
Except I screwed up; I typed it in backwards.
I have corrected it and added a second one I liked
as well.
Lotta damn combinations are possible:
old painting
spring returns
the look of you
old painting
you look into
the look of spring
photograph of spring
you
looking into summer
RE: old painting - rayheinrich - 07-16-2013
(07-16-2013, 05:00 PM)billy Wrote: i think it's now more of a senryu as spring doesn't look into anything.
but if you're happy with it
If this is the one you are talking about:
old painting
spring looks into
the look of you
Then it's looking into 'you'.
If a frog can jump into a sound, surely spring can look into you.
One simple interpretation is that, from the writer's viewpoint,
they are facing each other. 'Spring' doesn't have to be sentient,
i.e. it's not that spring actually has eyes and is looking; it's the
writer who's expressing this notion.
But that isn't the interpretation I was thinking of. What I was
thinking was that any act of looking that truly has a strong effect
on you (a painting of spring in this case) not only produces an
image in your brain, but it suffuses you as well; that it becomes
alive for you, that you experience it as so much more than just
an image.
It's like looking standing at the gravestone of your mother and
talking to her. Rationally you know she doesn't hear you (assuming
for a moment that you don't believe in an afterlife of some sort),
but that you do it anyway and derive comfort in an act you did
so many times before when she was alive.
The image of spring can BE that intense (especially in the context
of a haiku).
RE: old painting - cidermaid - 07-16-2013
Agree with Billy spring cannot look into. Someone could perhaps look like spring (as in fresh and new).
which one of the above was the one you originally posted? (just interested to apply comments to right poem)
But I like the idea of your image which made me think ofthe following: The image of the eyes of love looking at an older person and seeing new and fresh beauty there.(sort of rearranged it in my mind I guess> Appoligies for taking the liberty)
The look of you
spring looks in
old painting.
RE: old painting - rayheinrich - 07-16-2013
(07-16-2013, 05:54 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Agree with Billy spring cannot look into. Someone could perhaps look like spring (as in fresh and new).
You are too fast for me. If you look above you can see my
interpretation of why spring can actually look into you.
(Which I was busy writing and posted after you posted this.)
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(07-16-2013, 05:54 PM)cidermaid Wrote: which one of the above was the one you originally posted? (just interested to apply comments to right poem)
But I like the idea of your image which made me think of the following: The image of the eyes of love looking at an older person and seeing new and fresh beauty there.(sort of rearranged it in my mind I guess> Apologies for taking the liberty)
The look of you
spring looks in
old painting.
No liberty necessary, you can add as many as you'd like.
The original one was:
old painting
you looking into
the look of spring
But I DO like yours, especially the "spring looks in"; it definitely
has the intensity of image necessary for haiku.
I also added (after you posted this) a second one, of very
different meaning, that I like as well:
photograph of spring
you
looking into summer
RE: old painting - rayheinrich - 07-16-2013
(07-16-2013, 05:54 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Agree with Billy spring cannot look into. Someone could perhaps look like spring (as in fresh and new).
which one of the above was the one you originally posted? (just interested to apply comments to right poem)
But I like the idea of your image which made me think ofthe following: The image of the eyes of love looking at an older person and seeing new and fresh beauty there.(sort of rearranged it in my mind I guess> Appoligies for taking the liberty)
The look of you
spring looks in
old painting.
That's a common misunderstanding of the haiku form.
It's true that haiku normally don't contain direct
(i.e. written) similes or metaphors. (Though a few of the
ones below, written by masters, do.) But haiku, taken
as a whole, ARE metaphor. There's no getting around that.
Haiku, by their very essence, are the contrasting of two
things, the surprise of realizing a new connection between
them. These connections ARE metaphor.
Some famous Haiku that do various things you're objecting too:
My life, -
How much more of it remains?
The night is brief.
- Shiki
Over the wintry
forest, winds howl in rage
with no leaves to blow.
- Soseki
Don’t weep, insects –
Lovers, stars themselves,
Must part.
- Issa
autumn winds
in the sliding door's opening
a sharp voice
- Basho
the moon so pure
a wandering monk carries it
across the sand
- Basho
The winter storm
Hid in the bamboo grove
And quieted away.
- Basho
peonies --
hundreds swaying
like a hot bath
MORI Sumio
because he never angers
i tackle him and wring his neck
in the long grass
- SHIMAZU Ryoh
summer grasses——
the wheels of the locomotive
come to a stop
- YAMAGUCHI Seishi
the haiku's sorry
life's not rosy
as the master's fairy story
- Sukasah Syahdan
Under the protection of a big tree,
People's hearts are at rest."
- Taijyu ('big tree' stands for 'the Shogunate')
RE: old painting - newsclippings - 07-16-2013
(07-16-2013, 12:56 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
old painting
spring looks into
the look of you
or another that's quite different:
photograph of spring
you
looking into summer
I rather enjoy the first. There's a flagrant use of repetition that makes me a little sad. They always say art is supposed to make you feel something.
And I like paintings better than photographs anyway.
RE: old painting - cidermaid - 07-17-2013
Hi Billy,
I'm not going to even attempt to get involved with the above discussion but had a question related to the thread of thought going on here.
In my original post I was not actually thinking of if I was writing a Haiku or a senyru. I was just trying to show how I had intreprested the poem from ray.
So I came up with:-
The image of the eyes of love looking at an older person and seeing new and fresh beauty there.
...so if I was to apply any attempt at punctuation to show this thought line, I would probably do this:
The look of you -
spring looks, in
old painting.
So my question is (ignoring for a moment if it is a Haiku or a senyru...because with in as a line end it is probably rubbish either way)
would you still say this was metaphor rather than just conrete image of what was seen? (I am getting really confused over this
)Should we move this to a discussion board? (Appoligies again ray for the interuption in your poem thread)
RE: old painting - Leanne - 07-18-2013
This is not the place for a pissing contest/ admin
RE: old painting - popeye - 07-18-2013
Haikru
Old winter painting
Pissing contest, yellow eyes
Piss holes in the snow
RE: old painting - Bunx - 07-18-2013
(07-16-2013, 12:56 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:maybe trying replacing the second you and another synonym for the poems subject.
old painting
spring looks into
the look of you
or another that's quite different:
spring photograph
you
looking into summer
Awesome poem. hits close to home!