She was in a frosty morning
Born with a pine needle
In her heart;
And was given
No milk, no blood. She's shifting in ashes.
She's been thirsty ever since she opened her eyes,
Seeing every other nimbus
blowing away as soon
As she gazes,
Making rivers
And lakes and drapes all flow vertically:
She's been thirsty ever since she stood on her feet,
For she knows she would sink into heavens,
Were her lips to touch the sword-blade rapids.
Is this rhapsodizing about a mist, a cloud over a pine formed over a pine forest? That is incredibly unique and courageous, and the poem is just stunning. It uses knowledge to enhance the symbolism...you cannot get any better than that!
Hi Carlie,
I always like these types of short, evocative poems. Comments below:
(03-19-2013, 09:50 PM)Carile Wrote: [ -> ]She was in a frosty morning--I would be tempted to cut the "in"
Born with a pine needle
In her heart;--this is a cool image. It does make me think of a Sierra Club Vampire drinking sap, but I'm odd that way. I still like it. I wonder if it's a dry pine needle
And was given
No milk, no blood. She's shifting in ashes.--Not sure about the necessity of this final phrase. While ashes are an outcome of flame, I'm not sure they in themselves make me think of thirst.
She's been thirsty ever since she opened her eyes,--like these statements between strophes. I'd almost want a period to end both of these two statements and have you shift the next strophe if necessary. In the second instance it may mean just cutting the "For"
Seeing every other nimbus
blowing away as soon
As she gazes,
Making rivers
And lakes and drapes all flow vertically:
She's been thirsty ever since she stood on her feet,--again like this
For she knows she would sink into heavens,
Were her lips to touch the sword-blade rapids.--I also like the phrasing of sword-blade rapids
Enjoyed. I hope some of that was helpful.
Best,
Todd
(03-19-2013, 09:50 PM)Carile Wrote: [ -> ]She was in a frosty morning
Born with a pine needle
In her heart;
And was given
No milk, no blood. She's shifting in ashes.
I'm thinking she's born as a frozen dew drop, clinging to the tip of a pine needle.
She's been thirsty ever since she opened her eyes,
When would she open her eyes? Maybe with the sun and thaws, which would cause her to refract light. Hence the reference to 'nimbus' below?But why thirsty? If a dew drop were conscious, what would it wish to drink?
Seeing every other nimbus
blowing away as soon
As she gazes,
Making rivers
And lakes and drapes all flow vertically:
If she is a drop of water on a tree, she'd be one of millions, which might be shaken loose and fall, cascading down to the earth?
She's been thirsty ever since she stood on her feet,
Maybe she's hit the ground too, and been sucked into the soil?
For she knows she would sink into heavens,
Were her lips to touch the sword-blade rapids.
If she were churned by the rapids, she'd evaporate.
A riddle, possibly, and a good one,
if that's your intent. If it's a metaphor for a human actor, then the meanings will always be unclear to me.
Mikey.
Wow !
To be honest, Mikey, this was not intended to be a riddle... but I love your interpretation of it ! Now, to answer your question :
"But why thirsty? If a dew drop were conscious, what would it wish to drink?"
The notion of "thirst", based on the idea that the actor is a conscious dew drop, is linked to "solitude". She wants to join other drops, so that she may be one with something bigger that still shares her very nature, exacerbating it, making it even more real to her - but she can't. Does this sound like a sensible, rational, not-at-all-invented-for-the-needs-of-the-situation explanation ?
Carile
@Todd : thank you for your help. About ashes : they do make me think of thirst, but more because of their dry touch than by the fact they come from fire. It also means all forms of life are dead in this world, except for the character and the pine needle she keeps in her heart like a painful but essential memory, a part of her being. Everything else has returned to a mineral state.
About cutting "in" (l1) and "For" (l13) : I... I don't like changing even numbers of syllables to odd numbers just like that. It's an old, tenacious obession, sorry ! the ideas were interesting, though.