Poetry Forum

I am not permitted to delete, it seems

Hi Amy,

This is the scary part of love. The part where you feel control slipping as you're caught up in an emotional torrent. I think you show that well with the falling and ascending at the same time. I very much liked "I sense the cold reality of empty air". While there are a lot of points I could touch on (development of theme, certain word choice, etc), I think the main thing I want to encourage you to consider is to ground more of these emotions in imagery. Line 8 for example would be helped I think by this grounding. There are other places I could point to, but I think you get the idea. The contrasting feelings you build on here are a good basis for a poem.

Good bones to work with,

Todd

I was about to say the same thing as Todd

Your poetry sounds very pretty and you do have some good phrasing -- I like "exhibition eyes", for example. Where this all falls down -- and bear in mind that this is only a criticism I would make for someone I thought was writing well and ready to take the next step -- is the fairly abstract notions of love, dreams and soul. Sometimes we use these words expecting that people will just know what we're talking about -- and for the most part that's true, but it's also part of the problem as readers tend to nod and move on when they're not presented with something really fresh and unique. For example, "that transcendent place of ecstasy and harmony" doesn't tell me much -- just that it's probably quite nice there. I would love to see you incorporate some "showing" into your poems.

Having said that, I do enjoy reading your words. You control language nicely and there is a great deal of potential here.

Todd and Leanne.... I appreciate your supportive critiques...thank you. I understand that I write about certain emotions and experiences in the abstract, mea maxima culpa... I can only be completely candid and say that the circumstances of my life have prevented much in the way of actual world and love experience. Dreams I know, but these are, by nature, an abstraction of reality. Soul...who can know?
I will sincerely work on fleshing out my poetry with imagery that readers might relate to (Excuse the dangling participle!)..I only fear that what I can manufacture in my mind will not really do the trick.

It's surprising what you know about when you are determined to find something -- for many years my "sheltered" existence led me to write mostly observational pieces with a lot of introspection. Then the introspection started me questioning why I was sheltered Poetry did good things for my life after that.

Nevertheless, we sometimes look for poetry in the wrong places. There are no "unpoetic" subjects. Consider the journey experienced by the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. Where does water go? Why doesn't the sun realise I'm not in the mood for its brightness? Why did the neighbours throw out their old couch? Lots of stuff