The original version is in Swedish. The Swedish version rhymes. The poem is autobiographical. I would like to hear your opinions on it. Thanks!
Quote:Neighbor Girl,
You wake me up full of life
Your fair voice is my beautiful morning song
So amusing my life is
My love life is unjust
I'm bound by your love spell
Intoxicated by your love wine
Your are my wildest fantasy
Be forever mine
(03-18-2013, 03:09 AM)SonOfAlbania Wrote: [ -> ]The original version is in Swedish. The Swedish version rhymes. The poem is autobiographical. I would like to hear your opinions on it. Thanks!
Quote:Neighbor Girl,
You wake me up full of life
Your fair voice is my beautiful morning song
So amusing my life is- why is your life amusing, are you a clown?
My love life is unjust- again a statement, we'd like to know why
I'm bound by your love spell
Intoxicated by your love wine
Your are my wildest fantasy
Be forever mine
-
Hi SonOfAlbania, when someones states a piece is autobiographical I'm a tad reluctant to comment, however you have asked for opinion
to be honest it's not telling me anything new in a different way, yes I can see you're in love with the girl next door, but this piece- to me, rather lacks passion and has many cliches, just a few considerations
regards saeity.
(03-18-2013, 08:52 AM)saeity Wrote: [ -> ] (03-18-2013, 03:09 AM)SonOfAlbania Wrote: [ -> ]The original version is in Swedish. The Swedish version rhymes. The poem is autobiographical. I would like to hear your opinions on it. Thanks!
Quote:Neighbor Girl,
You wake me up full of life
Your fair voice is my beautiful morning song
So amusing my life is- why is your life amusing, are you a clown?
My love life is unjust- again a statement, we'd like to know why
I'm bound by your love spell
Intoxicated by your love wine
Your are my wildest fantasy
Be forever mine
-
Hi SonOfAlbania, when someones states a piece is autobiographical I'm a tad reluctant to comment, however you have asked for opinion to be honest it's not telling me anything new in a different way, yes I can see you're in love with the girl next door, but this piece- to me, rather lacks passion and has many cliches, just a few considerations
regards saeity.
She likes to sing in the mornings, maybe that tells something. I tried to fictionalize the reality in the poem.
The cliches are more funny and cute when reading the Swedish version of the poem I guess. Cliches don't have to be bad.
(03-19-2013, 04:53 AM)SonOfAlbania Wrote: [ -> ] (03-18-2013, 08:52 AM)saeity Wrote: [ -> ] (03-18-2013, 03:09 AM)SonOfAlbania Wrote: [ -> ]The original version is in Swedish. The Swedish version rhymes. The poem is autobiographical. I would like to hear your opinions on it. Thanks!
Quote:Neighbor Girl,
You wake me up full of life
Your fair voice is my beautiful morning song
So amusing my life is- why is your life amusing, are you a clown?
My love life is unjust- again a statement, we'd like to know why
I'm bound by your love spell
Intoxicated by your love wine
Your are my wildest fantasy
Be forever mine
-
Hi SonOfAlbania, when someones states a piece is autobiographical I'm a tad reluctant to comment, however you have asked for opinion to be honest it's not telling me anything new in a different way, yes I can see you're in love with the girl next door, but this piece- to me, rather lacks passion and has many cliches, just a few considerations
regards saeity.
She likes to sing in the mornings, maybe that tells something. I tried to fictionalize the reality in the poem.
The cliches are more funny and cute when reading the Swedish version of the poem I guess. Cliches don't have to be bad.
From one newbie to poetry to another your absolutely right cliches don't have to be bad
I read and buy into one every time I gift my Nana a card. Look it depends on the kind of poetry you wish to write, something that many have seen before or....
regards saeity.
(03-18-2013, 08:52 AM)saeity Wrote: [ -> ] (03-18-2013, 03:09 AM)SonOfAlbania Wrote: [ -> ]The original version is in Swedish. The Swedish version rhymes. The poem is autobiographical. I would like to hear your opinions on it. Thanks!
Quote:Neighbor Girl,
You wake me up full of life
Your fair voice is my beautiful morning song
So amusing my life is- why is your life amusing, are you a clown?
My love life is unjust- again a statement, we'd like to know why
I'm bound by your love spell
Intoxicated by your love wine
Your are my wildest fantasy
Be forever mine
-
Hi SonOfAlbania, when someones states a piece is autobiographical I'm a tad reluctant to comment, however you have asked for opinion to be honest it's not telling me anything new in a different way, yes I can see you're in love with the girl next door, but this piece- to me, rather lacks passion and has many cliches, just a few considerations
regards saeity.
Hi
I have to agree with saeity.
If you have a Thesaurus use it.