Poetry Forum

The distillation of distant pleas
with no hope of anyone listening.
This modern world has overshadowed my fall
from corporate grace,
I just don’t belong here;
I am tired of repeating myself.
I kneel to no man,
no one can find me
and my tears are only sacrificial -
a new kind of opium for the people...
No! Over my dead body
will I fear what I can’t control.
Help me...

Hi Freezy,
Your opening two lines felt strong and like they were going to take me to interesting places, but then i felt that the rest of the read sort of lacked any substance. To my ear this came accross as a bit of a monotone moan. I would have liked some more discriptive words and images. The idea of tears as sacrificial opium was interesting and has promise, perhaps you could link this idea more strongly into your opening two lines and see where this takes you. In this context I could also see the 2nd last line as strong enough to end on. I know i am suggesting a complete re-write but I think there is a good poem in there waiting to be written. So try and take this as i meant it, in a possitive way.
Sorry to not be more encouraging. It is just my opinion of course and other people might well see something different.
AJ.

(03-03-2013, 07:44 AM)Freezy Wrote: [ -> ]The distillation of distant pleas
with no hope of anyone listening. -- I really like the first line, but feel that the second line can be improved upon so the imagery can be more powerful. As it stands, the second line is really cliche, and takes me out of the experience.
This modern world has overshadowed my fall
from corporate grace, -- Really interesting, but I think you can cut the excess here. 'Modern world overshadowed/fall from corporate grace.'
I just don’t belong here;
I am tired of repeating myself.
I kneel to no man,
no one can find me -- These 4 lines are a little too cliche. You started off rather strongly, so some rewording will do that justice I feel. =)
and my tears are only sacrificial -
a new kind of opium for the people...
No! Over my dead body
will I fear what I can’t control.
Help me... -- Too monotonous I feel. Try to use more emotive words and feelings to strengthen the image. Overall, a good attempt, but there's potential for more. =) Hope I'm of help!

Freezy

cidermaid

brandontoh