I killed him ‘cause he left
His bristles in the sink,
He didn’t even notice -
He didn’t even think.
I slit his bastard throat -
His parents were to blame,
A knife that they presented
The day I took his name.
Hate filled the days between
The treadmill and the vow
Our bark holed ‘neath the water
Still floating until now.
What was it that became
The famous camel’s straw?
Bristles peppering the sink -
Lie silted there no more.
(02-10-2013, 03:49 AM)Bizzy Wrote: [ -> ]I killed him ‘cause he left
His bristles in the sink,
He didn’t even notice -
He didn’t even think.
I slit his bastard throat -
His parents were to blame,
A knife that they presented
The day I took his name.
Hate filled the days between
The treadmill and the vow
Our bark holed ‘neath the water
Still floating until now.
What was it that became
The famous camel’s straw?
Bristles peppering the sink -
Lie silted there no more.
On first read I'm quite impressed. what I can tell you right now is that I dig the undertone ;- )
"Bristles peppering the sink -
Lie silted there no more.
" ;-)
cheers
Serge
It flows very nicely and has a pleasant rhythm to it; this juxtaposed with the content of the poem is quite interesting.
I especially enjoyed the last two lines.
The middle two verses are oddly structured and not really necessary. If the poem consisted of just the first and last verses it would be a bit sharper, in my opinion. They're wickedly funny and vicious, especially when coupled with the dry ironic title! Thank you for the read
I agree the first and last stand well alone but I wanted to introduce a feeling of the passage of time. May ruminate a bit more about it! Thanks for the feedback
(02-10-2013, 03:49 AM)Bizzy Wrote: [ -> ]I killed him ‘cause he left
His bristles in the sink,
He didn’t even notice -
He didn’t even think.
I slit his bastard throat -
His parents were to blame,
A knife that they presented
The day I took his name.
Hate filled the days between
The treadmill and the vow
Our bark holed ‘neath the water
Still floating until now.
What was it that became
The famous camel’s straw?
Bristles peppering the sink -
Lie silted there no more.
The imagery is nice, and the rhythm of the whole poem is really good. The tone, however, feels a little detached and apathetic. Maybe that's what you're going for, in which case it works. If not, then it's the word choices that you need to work in. Overall a very enjoyable read. =)