i actually feel this poem because i've see the rain patterns change in the short ten or so years i've been in the Philippines. i really enjoyed how you took us from what was, to what is, it was done in a designed way that
held me to the end. i will read this one again
great to have you on the site
(02-08-2013, 06:14 PM)lolo Wrote: [ -> ]
Spring was just a fleeting shadow the line works but if i'm being picky fleeting shadow is cliche, that said, it's not that bad but maybe a less common phrase.
of bees on petals for one fortnight a year,
but you, we cherished more.
You rolled in on purple dreams, almost beautiful, great image.
bringing respite from baked clay-stoves,
from coaxing orange from smoky firewood.
We heeded the easterly's call,
hung hemp-ropes on trees,
swinging, we sang our love,
awaiting our menfolk’s return
to villages from towns
to reap green from paddy fields
and sow our wombs. one of the best short lines i've read. it also works great as the transition
Then the world turned,
now you come too late,
too early, too little or too much
Wearily we wonder which river
will overflow its banks, or when you’ll be released
from burgeoned dams to flooded roads.
Thank you for the welcome and the feedback. I'm still working my way around since I'm new to threaded forums.
I look forward to a journey of learning and growth with fellow poets here.
I really enjoyed this, many beautiful lines. I feel that that the tone and pace capture the tranquil, idyllic quality of village/rural life. It's just turned monsoon soon season here and I'm all romantic about it; your poem evokes the feeling of a light spring frolic, which I do feel.
A rich and lovely poem about a small community dependant on a river. I like how you paint the narrator's complex relationship with the river. The "sow our wombs" line struck me as too clinical at first, but it's actually a crisp and charming way to tie human reproduction in with the natural imagery which surrounds it, I think. Thank you for the read
Thanks Heslopian for the read and comment.
(02-08-2013, 08:25 PM)Mr. Shankly Wrote: [ -> ]I really enjoyed this, many beautiful lines. I feel that that the tone and pace capture the tranquil, idyllic quality of village/rural life. It's just turned monsoon soon season here and I'm all romantic about it; your poem evokes the feeling of a light spring frolic, which I do feel.
Thanks Mr. Shankly for the read and comment. Enjoy your monsoon.
Hi lolo, you have some lovely imagery here. Comments below:
(02-08-2013, 06:14 PM)lolo Wrote: [ -> ]
Spring was just a fleeting shadow--This is one of the few times I don't mind just in a line. That said, I still don't think you need it. The but you later still gives that sense to the strophe
of bees on petals for one fortnight a year,--love bees on petals here
but you, we cherished more.
You rolled in on purple dreams,--I wasn't fond of purple dreams at first. It didn't convey a lot to me. I see where you're going with it, and I like the way it plays off of orange, but its still a little vague filler for me.
bringing respite from baked clay-stoves,
from coaxing orange from smoky firewood.--gorgeous two lines here. I love how you can see coaxing orange from smoky firewood both visually and as an action. Very well done.
We heeded the easterly's call,
hung hemp-ropes on trees,
swinging, we sang our love,
awaiting our menfolk’s return
to villages from towns
to reap green from paddy fields--All of this feels very understated and real. I like the reap green in the fields because green hints to life and both aspects reaping and green (your third color) provide a wonderful transition to the next line and a different type of fertility
and sow our wombs.--great line. Good choice to set it apart.
Then the world turned,
now you come too late,
too early, too little or too much--I like how you structured this
Wearily we wonder which river--I'm not a big fan of wearily. I think it might be better shown in an action
will overflow its banks, or when you’ll be released
from burgeoned dams to flooded roads.
Gorgeous poem. I enjoyed reading it. I look forward to more of your work.
Best,
Todd
Hi Todd,
Thanks for reading and the feedback.
*I see your point about 'just' in L1- will mull over this as I work towards my first edit..
*'Purple dreams' are meant to signify monsoon clouds just before they rain, I tried to convey that with 'you rolled in' , maybe its too obtuse to come across to the reader.
* I like your insight on wearily- will file away for the edit.
Thanks once more for your detailed crit and encouraging words.
cheers,
(02-09-2013, 02:57 AM)Heartafire Wrote: [ -> ]Hi lolo, I am blown away by this. Written beautifully, powerful and solid. Would like to find a nit but, damn, it is just an amazing read.
I agree with Todd re "wearily". I appreciate the alliteration it lends on that line but think it flows more evenly without it. Lookiing forward to reading more of your work.
Heart
Thanks Heartafire, for your lovely comment.