Poetry Forum

(02-06-2013, 01:40 PM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]To be honest Jonathan I find the sentiment a little creepy. If that's what you were going for you nailed the vibe. I kept wanting to agree with the assumption of the person who left that the speaker is weak. When I got to once I'm inside your wounds will heal it reminded me of adolescent 1970s pulp stories where the hero brings sexual healing to the repressed lover. Those were my takeaways.

(02-06-2013, 01:09 PM)jonathan1787 Wrote: [ -> ]We are allowed to explain the story. Just keep it AFTER the poem. That's what I do. I put a bunch of dashes after the poem and include things like the feeling I hope to get across, and if it's a personal poem, why I use certain terms/names.

Alone in this room without a light,
I can't escape so I will not try,
there's nothing in me willing to fight,
My only thought is in asking "why?" -- The first 3 lines are a little weak. Not that they don't work, it's just that they're too 'telling'. You don't introduce the setting and the mood, but they're not powerful enough in my opinion. Is it because you're trying to rhyme?

You seem to think that I am weak,
that is why I am in this place,
but I will never admit defeat,
I'm the one you cannot replace. -- The feeling I get from this poem is one of obsession. Good stanza. This actually sets up a mystery and makes readers interested to read on. Personally I'd scrape the first stanza entirely, instead using this provocative one to start out.

I can't hold on I'm starting to slip,
Why can't I go and leave you behind?
Hear my plea and just release your grip,
There is nothing here for you to find. -- This stanza feels a little cliche, but it serves to further the mystery and leave small hints. Just be careful not to drag the mystery out too much, and make sure to answer it at the end! =)

Try as you might you won't forget,
so long as I am meant to live,
there is hope don't give up just yet,
Take this love and start to forgive. -- This stanza is kind of weak, mainly because of how forced the rhymes sound like. However, I do like how with each stanza, the fog clears out more and more. I'm starting to see the ending!

But I am unworthy to receive,
I obviously don't deserve you,
it was I who I tried to deceive,
now please tell me what should I do?

Take these emotions and learn to feel,
build up the strength and open the door,
once I am inside your wounds will heal,
and here i'll remain forever more.

You fought to stay where you belong,
now I have found my missing part,
you were always with me all along,
for I cannot live without my heart. -- The overall problem with the poem I find is the imagery being too weak. Your word choices are appropriate, but not good. The mystery is set up well, and I'll be honest, I didn't manage to get what you're trying to say. That may be just me though. Try to reword some lines and make the imageries more powerful is my suggestion. I think the culprit of this piece is the rhyming. It feels like in your attempt to rhyme, you had to sacrifice strong imageries. Never a good trade off. I did enjoy the read though, so there's definitely potential there. Hope I'm of help! =)

(02-06-2013, 03:54 PM)brandontoh Wrote: [ -> ]

(02-06-2013, 01:09 PM)jonathan1787 Wrote: [ -> ]We are allowed to explain the story. Just keep it AFTER the poem. That's what I do. I put a bunch of dashes after the poem and include things like the feeling I hope to get across, and if it's a personal poem, why I use certain terms/names.

Alone in this room without a light,
I can't escape so I will not try,
there's nothing in me willing to fight,
My only thought is in asking "why?" -- The first 3 lines are a little weak. Not that they don't work, it's just that they're too 'telling'. You don't introduce the setting and the mood, but they're not powerful enough in my opinion. Is it because you're trying to rhyme?

You seem to think that I am weak,
that is why I am in this place,
but I will never admit defeat,
I'm the one you cannot replace. -- The feeling I get from this poem is one of obsession. Good stanza. This actually sets up a mystery and makes readers interested to read on. Personally I'd scrape the first stanza entirely, instead using this provocative one to start out.

I can't hold on I'm starting to slip,
Why can't I go and leave you behind?
Hear my plea and just release your grip,
There is nothing here for you to find. -- This stanza feels a little cliche, but it serves to further the mystery and leave small hints. Just be careful not to drag the mystery out too much, and make sure to answer it at the end! =)

Try as you might you won't forget,
so long as I am meant to live,
there is hope don't give up just yet,
Take this love and start to forgive. -- This stanza is kind of weak, mainly because of how forced the rhymes sound like. However, I do like how with each stanza, the fog clears out more and more. I'm starting to see the ending!

But I am unworthy to receive,
I obviously don't deserve you,
it was I who I tried to deceive,
now please tell me what should I do?

Take these emotions and learn to feel,
build up the strength and open the door,
once I am inside your wounds will heal,
and here i'll remain forever more.

You fought to stay where you belong,
now I have found my missing part,
you were always with me all along,
for I cannot live without my heart. -- The overall problem with the poem I find is the imagery being too weak. Your word choices are appropriate, but not good. The mystery is set up well, and I'll be honest, I didn't manage to get what you're trying to say. That may be just me though. Try to reword some lines and make the imageries more powerful is my suggestion. I think the culprit of this piece is the rhyming. It feels like in your attempt to rhyme, you had to sacrifice strong imageries. Never a good trade off. I did enjoy the read though, so there's definitely potential there. Hope I'm of help! =)