Poetry Forum

Remembrances like scattered scraps
Floating like ashes from a fire.
White heat of passion burnt
The living flesh, leaving only
Insubstantial, cobweb skeletons.
I could only be to you
What soul required
You could not be to me
What flesh desired.
Forever on parallel lines
Joining only in some theoretical universe.

(02-06-2013, 01:22 AM)Bizzy Wrote: [ -> ]Remembrances like scattered scraps Could "like" in this line be replaced with a comma, just so you don't use two similes in a row?
Floating like ashes from a fire.
White heat of passion burnt
The living flesh, leaving only
Insubstantial, cobweb skeletons. These three lines, from "white heat" to "cobweb skeletons", are my favourite in the poem. They're perfectly grotesque, almost Edgar Allan Poe-ish. The mixing of sex and horror is superb.
I could only be to you
What soul required Should a "my" or "your" go before "soul"? It feels like a word is missing here.
You could not be to me
What flesh desired.
Forever on parallel lines
Joining only in some theoretical universe. Smashing close.

An imagistic poem, rich and elegant. I like it a lot. The way it talks about love while dipping into gory and cynical images is great. Thank you for the read.

(02-06-2013, 01:22 AM)Bizzy Wrote: [ -> ]Remembrances like scattered scraps
Floating like ashes from a fire.
White heat of passion burnt
The living flesh, leaving only
Insubstantial, cobweb skeletons.
I could only be to you
What soul required
You could not be to me
What flesh desired.
Forever on parallel lines
Joining only in some theoretical universe.

This overall has very rich imageries and I loved it! The word choices are good, with the whole poem oozing out the feeling of 'helplessness' (Can't recall the word I'm trying to find). The only problem I find is with 'what soul required', which I think can be better fleshed out or better worded. This is the only point in the poem where the imagery is weaker. Thanks for the really enjoyable read, and hope I'm of help! =)

Thanks for the feedback - helplessness in the face of a lack of chemistry between the couple is the tone I was going for so glad you sensed that. Might change to 'your soul' and 'my flesh' which, while not contributing much in terms of imagery underlines the theme.

it has a feel of unrequited love about it, an image or two more would help it a lot. the latter half of the poem feel a little to tell

(02-06-2013, 01:22 AM)Bizzy Wrote: [ -> ]Remembrances like scattered scraps i'm wonder if scattered scarps is a much stronger opening than what you already have.
Floating like ashes from a fire. is 'like' needed?
White heat of passion burnt
The living flesh, leaving only
Insubstantial, cobweb skeletons.
I could only be to you
What soul required
You could not be to me
What flesh desired.
Forever on parallel lines
Joining only in some theoretical universe. i like these last two lines a lot. they have a feel of pointlessness

Bizzy

heslopian

brandontoh

Bizzy

billy