Poetry Forum

This poem is a lot more simple and plain-worded than what I've been reading on this site, but I feel that sometimes you have to be concise to effectively get your meaning across. To me, it has a quality that you lose when you get too wordy. It has a lot of meaning to me, but in the end it's just about a girl that I used to know.

I've always planned on writing this
Although its been over a year.
Now I must admit the guilt I've felt,
Perhaps afraid of what I might hear.

Those many nights and days ago
Although I've tried to forget,
Creep upon me now in my land of snow
With ghostly whispers of regret.

Our locale was the infinite blue horizon,
Whose untold beauty I embraced,
And my ultimate goal was to convince you
That your trust in me was not misplaced.

With a triumphant grin I scaled the rocks,
Beseeching the gods of the sea,
But there you were 30 feet ashore
Worrying about my wellbeing.

You were afraid of the might of the ocean,
Of the waves and prehistoric sharks.
I pushed you past your boundaries
With lush fantasies of underwater meadowlarks.
Tweeting and singing and brightening the depths,
Upon your heart I wished to leave my mark,
Because when faced with undeniable truths like love
The universe is bare and stark.

So I pushed you past your boundaries
There was nowhere for you to hide.
And with your strong reluctance
You allowed me to be your guide.

So towards the murky ocean we went
Towards the very place you loathed.
I promised I would fend off the prehistoric sharks
If they snuck up on us while we roved.

Grabbing my arm for support
As wet sand sunk beneath our feet,
I was determined to help you conquer
The fears which made you admit defeat.

And although you wouldn't go
Further than ankle-deep,
I felt as though I had been your guide
Climbing the summit of a mountain most steep.

I've always planned on writing this
Although its been over a year.

"Although it's been over a year".... And you have to consider that you have "always" been doing something that's only been "over a year". Though people say that kind of stuff, so let it slide.

Now I must admit the guilt I've felt,
Perhaps afraid of what I might hear.

"Perhaps" doesn't seem right. It's obvious you're afraid. And you should be. Girls are tricky.

Those many nights and days ago
Although I've tried to forget,
Creep upon me now in my land of snow
With ghostly whispers of regret.

It doesn't flow so well. And you need a comma after "ago" because of the next line.

Our locale was the infinite blue horizon,
Whose untold beauty I embraced,
And my ultimate goal was to convince you
That your trust in me was not misplaced.

Your locale was the infinite blue horizon?

With a triumphant grin I scaled the rocks,
Beseeching the gods of the sea,
But there you were 30 feet ashore
Worrying about my wellbeing.

What were you beseeching them about? Which gods? It might not be important; but I was wondering if you considered these things.

You were afraid of the might of the ocean,
Of the waves and prehistoric sharks.
I pushed you past your boundaries
With lush fantasies of underwater meadowlarks.
Tweeting and singing and brightening the depths,
Upon your heart I wished to leave my mark,
Because when faced with undeniable truths like love
The universe is bare and stark.

Them sharks live a long time I guess. Maybe she's afraid of the archetypal sharks. The subject of getting her to trust you enough to follow you into the ocean and the subject of the undeniable truth of love are getting muddled. It might be one vast metaphor for the ocean of love, but I feel it literally about the ocean.

So I pushed you past your boundaries
There was nowhere for you to hide.
And with your strong reluctance
You allowed me to be your guide.

So towards the murky ocean we went
Towards the very place you loathed.

Unless she loathed love, you see? And maybe she did.

I promised I would fend off the prehistoric sharks
If they snuck up on us while we roved.

Grabbing my arm for support
As wet sand sunk beneath our feet,
I was determined to help you conquer
The fears which made you admit defeat.

And although you wouldn't go
Further than ankle-deep,
I felt as though I had been your guide
Climbing the summit of a mountain most steep.

The rhythm and rhyme aren't very good. You might have said that in your introduction. I don't remember. But you can work on that. And there are other things that, hopefully, others will point out.

(01-20-2013, 04:19 AM)totaltrainwreck Wrote: [ -> ]This poem is a lot more simple and plain-worded than what I've been reading on this site, but I feel that sometimes you have to be concise to effectively get your meaning across. To me, it has a quality that you lose when you get too wordy. It has a lot of meaning to me, but in the end it's just about a girl that I used to know.

I agree with being concise, and I believe that this poem can be made mroe impactful with some proper rephrasing.

I've always planned on writing this
Although its been over a year.
Now I must admit the guilt I've felt,
Perhaps afraid of what I might hear. --- The best advice to be given here is "Show, don't tell." You're explicitly telling the readers what is being presented, instead of showing and letting the emotions and feelings sink in. A simple rephrasing would be something like this:

Poem expired,
postponed day after day.
They eat away at conscience,
Words I refuse to hear.

Those many nights and days ago
Although I've tried to forget,
Creep upon me now in my land of snow
With ghostly whispers of regret. --- The last 2 lines are good, but the first 2 sound really cliche, and are more telling than showing.

Our locale was the infinite blue horizon,
Whose untold beauty I embraced,
And my ultimate goal was to convince you
That your trust in me was not misplaced. --- Laying it on a little thick with the last 2 lines here, but it works.

With a triumphant grin I scaled the rocks,
Beseeching the gods of the sea,
But there you were 30 feet ashore
Worrying about my wellbeing. --- Sounds a little too hyperbolic, but hey, I'm really sceptical about love, so maybe it's just me.

You were afraid of the might of the ocean,
Of the waves and prehistoric sharks.
I pushed you past your boundaries
With lush fantasies of underwater meadowlarks.
Tweeting and singing and brightening the depths,
Upon your heart I wished to leave my mark,
Because when faced with undeniable truths like love
The universe is bare and stark. --- Read my comments on the previous stanza

So I pushed you past your boundaries
There was nowhere for you to hide.
And with your strong reluctance
You allowed me to be your guide. --- This, I like.

So towards the murky ocean we went
Towards the very place you loathed.
I promised I would fend off the prehistoric sharks
If they snuck up on us while we roved. --- Now going back to the metaphor about the ocean and its dangers. I don't think you should stretch the metaphor any further. This stanza as a whole feels unnecessary and only serves to cheese up the whole poem.

Grabbing my arm for support
As wet sand sunk beneath our feet,
I was determined to help you conquer
The fears which made you admit defeat. --- Once again, show, don't tell. Good imagery though.

And although you wouldn't go
Further than ankle-deep,
I felt as though I had been your guide
Climbing the summit of a mountain most steep. --- It's a good finish for a poem about someone you lost.

Overall, your poem has its highs and lows, and well, do keep in mind not to overstretch a metaphor. Hope I'm of help. =)

totaltrainwreck

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