My second post and first poem on the forum. Been dabbling with poetry for some time now, mostly fun little rhymes to make people laugh but some more serious stuff as well although it feels somewhat crude, hoping for some feedback and to develop further.
So close, I can see you clear
A step or two and we'll be near
The silent stream our divide
Seems, a few feet wide
I take a step, and another still
But the stream begins to fill
Not so calm, and not so narrow
It's a river, through my hart an arrow
It's foaming now, a wild wind blows
Like the stream, already knows
I must reach the other side
Pure emotion my only guide
But I am weak, all hope is lost
My arms and legs like winters frost
One last image, a sweet goodbye
Your smile, your face, before I die
(01-19-2013, 05:48 AM)Veki Wrote: [ -> ]My second post and first poem on the forum. Been dabbling with poetry for some time now, mostly fun little rhymes to make people laugh but some more serious stuff as well although it feels somewhat crude, hoping for some feedback and to develop further.
So close, I can see you clear -maybe cut the can
A step or two and we'll be near
The silent stream our divide
Seems, a few feet wide - not sure you need a comma here
I take a step, and another still
But the stream begins to fill
Not so calm, and not so narrow
It's a river, through my hart an arrow - is this supposed to be heart? or is it the animal hart?
It's foaming now, a wild wind blows
Like the stream, already knows - comma?
I must reach the other side
Pure emotion my only guide
But I am weak, all hope is lost
My arms and legs like winters frost - like this part
One last image, a sweet goodbye
Your smile, your face, before I die
Maybe cut some "ands" and think about putting periods or just removing some of the commas to improve the flow. Also think about some of the words used that might seem like they could use a punch. Emotion, for example, is a generic sort of word that doesn't tell us what's being felt really - only that there is a feeling. An old writing adage is "show don't tell". As an example:
It's foaming now
Feral winds blow
The stream, I think
Already knows
I can reach the other side
Pulsing blood my only guide
This is not a suggestion above but just an idea of the endless possibilities. There's some good stuff to work with here that you could have some fun editing and playing around with. Thanks very much for the read and I hope to see more.
(01-19-2013, 05:48 AM)Veki Wrote: [ -> ]My second post and first poem on the forum. Been dabbling with poetry for some time now, mostly fun little rhymes to make people laugh but some more serious stuff as well although it feels somewhat crude, hoping for some feedback and to develop further.
So close, I can see you clear
A step or two and we'll be near
The silent stream our divide
Seems, a few feet wide
I take a step, and another still
But the stream begins to fill
Not so calm, and not so narrow
It's a river, through my hart an arrow Should "hart" be "heart"?
It's foaming now, a wild wind blows
Like the stream, already knows
I must reach the other side
Pure emotion my only guide
But I am weak, all hope is lost
My arms and legs like winters frost Apostrophe before "s" in "winters."
One last image, a sweet goodbye
Your smile, your face, before I die
Are any of the commas needed? In my opinion poems which aren't heavily structured, with sentences enjambed and arranged to evoke rhythm, don't need them, as all they do is create stumbling blocks. Every time I hit a comma the poem sputtered like a faulty engine. JMHO, of course. Otherwise this was a very sweet poem. It felt almost like fantasy, or Medieval romance, with its seeming focus on natural images and thwarted love. Thanks for the read
So close, I can see you clear
A step or two and we'll be near
The silent stream our divide
Seems, a few feet wide
Put the comma after "silent stream"?
I take a step, and another still
But the stream begins to fill
Not so calm, and not so narrow
It's a river, through my hart an arrow
The rhymes are crude. The spelling of 'hart', is it a mistake? The wording isn't so good.
It's foaming now, a wild wind blows
Like the stream, already knows
I must reach the other side
Pure emotion my only guide
The comma after stream seems out of place. Maybe:
It's foaming now; a wild wind blows,
Like the stream already knows
I must reach the other side,
Pure emotion my only guide.
You can use punctuation to link meanings too. Like if you subtly wanted to link a wild wind with your emotions.
But I am weak, all hope is lost
My arms and legs like winters frost
One last image, a sweet goodbye
Your smile, your face, before I die
"Winter's frost"...
(01-19-2013, 06:21 AM)monablackbird Wrote: [ -> ]So close, I can see you clear -maybe cut the can
Seems, a few feet wide - not sure you need a comma here
Definitely has a better flow after your suggestions.
I actually don't like using punctuation in poems but sometimes get trapped trying to impose a specific rhythm.
Quote:It's a river, through my hart an arrow - is this supposed to be heart? or is it the animal hart?
Typing error, it was supposed to be heart.
Quote:Maybe cut some "ands" and think about putting periods or just removing some of the commas to improve the flow. Also think about some of the words used that might seem like they could use a punch. Emotion, for example, is a generic sort of word that doesn't tell us what's being felt really - only that there is a feeling. An old writing adage is "show don't tell". As an example:
It's foaming now
Feral winds blow
The stream, I think
Already knows
I can reach the other side
Pulsing blood my only guide
This is not a suggestion above but just an idea of the endless possibilities. There's some good stuff to work with here that you could have some fun editing and playing around with. Thanks very much for the read and I hope to see more.
Thank you for the feedback, I plan on expanding my vocabulary and use of imagery as I get more work done, seems like something that will come with experience.
(01-19-2013, 09:56 PM)Heslopian Wrote: [ -> ]My arms and legs like winters frost Apostrophe before "s" in "winters."
Yep another error, they kinda creep up, English is not my first language, and even though I've gone through the poem many times just missed some of the errors.
Quote:Are any of the commas needed? In my opinion poems which aren't heavily structured, with sentences enjambed and arranged to evoke rhythm, don't need them, as all they do is create stumbling blocks. Every time I hit a comma the poem sputtered like a faulty engine. JMHO, of course. Otherwise this was a very sweet poem. It felt almost like fantasy, or Medieval romance, with its seeming focus on natural images and thwarted love. Thanks for the read
I think I'll remove most of the commas, I agree and I'm trying to achieve rhythm through structure, rhyme and word flow. At this point I put most of the effort into rhymes but I'm looking to improve on using structure and word flow more and concentrate less on rhyme.
(01-20-2013, 12:47 AM)rowens Wrote: [ -> ]So close, I can see you clear
A step or two and we'll be near
The silent stream our divide
Seems, a few feet wide
Put the comma after "silent stream"?
The rhymes are crude. The spelling of 'hart', is it a mistake? The wording isn't so good.
Addressed the issues above, yeah I feel like I'm restricting myself a bit by trying to force rhymes and so they end up being unsophisticated.
Quote:It's foaming now, a wild wind blows
Like the stream, already knows
I must reach the other side
Pure emotion my only guide
The comma after stream seems out of place. Maybe:
It's foaming now; a wild wind blows,
Like the stream already knows
I must reach the other side,
Pure emotion my only guide.
You can use punctuation to link meanings too. Like if you subtly wanted to link a wild wind with your emotions.
But I am weak, all hope is lost
My arms and legs like winters frost
One last image, a sweet goodbye
Your smile, your face, before I die
"Winter's frost"...
Thanks for the feedback.
This is the type of feedback I was hoping for, thank you all.