I hear
water dripping from
wet bodies
they leave the lake
Breath
still stumbling
splashing small feet
What a funny sound
I hear
breath
approching normality
as if sun convinces
to calm.
Warmth
on my skin
like sparkling cider
I hear
teeth scratching
over stone pits
flesh torn from body
Red
my only memory
of colour.
Is it a cherry ?
Eating them
on our porch
my childhood
spit, the joyful rain
Everywhere
I hear
talk and laughter
not too far away
Now they rest and sit.
Listening,
I am a part of it
I have answers
If I could only
He saw her sitting there
still staring in their direction
no movement in her face
as if something took
all of her concentration
She rose gently
her hand groping
for
A leash.
Her dog
his dark eyes
guided her
led her slowly
too slow
As if she could not
see
There's a lot I really like here. There were all sorts of interpretations I had until the end. Here are some comments for you to consider.
I think this might work better if you pulled out the I hears and either made it your title or blend it in with Summer Lake. I'd be tempted to simply do "I hear" though.
(01-15-2013, 02:57 AM)strawhatted Wrote: [ -> ]I hear
water dripping from
wet bodies
they leave the lake--this isn't something that you can necessarily hear. Water dripping from wet bodies though is stellar. If you wanted to pull summer lake out of the title you could modify (maybe, wet bodies leaving Summer/lakes) (/ indicate breaks) I still hold to my original objection to that though as it's more of a statement than what you hear
Breath
still stumbling
splashing small feet
What a funny sound--consider cutting and stay in the moment
I hear
breath
approching normalityThis should probably be a sound (metronome, something rhythmic) not the interpretation of a sound
as if sun convinces
to calm.
Warmth
on my skin
like sparkling cider--love this image
I hear
teeth scratching
over stone pits
flesh torn from body
Red
my only memory
of colour.
Is it a cherry ?
Eating them
on our porch
my childhood
spit, the joyful rain--this entire part was so very good
Everywhere
I hear
talk and laughter
not too far away
Now they rest and sit.
Listening,
I am a part of it
I have answers
If I could only
He saw her sitting there
still staring in their direction
no movement in her face
as if something took
all of her concentration
She rose gently
her hand groping
for
A leash.
Her dog
his dark eyes
guided her
led her slowly
too slow
As if she could not
see
I'm going to hold off on the rest of this as we're in the mild forum. I don't like the point of view transition. I'd rather she heard the dog, and we were given clues that she was blind.
This was a very nice read. I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
Thank you very much for your consructive critique. I read a view of your comments on other poems in this forum before, and I liked how you took everything apart and offered some actual inspirational thoughts.
Especially your suggestion to put a rather rhythmic line in the stanza is a great idea! I will rewrite as soon as I have time.
I didn't have a view transition in the first place, but nobody figured out the woman was blind. I will try again though.
So thank you!
strawhatted