Leader
lead
full
power
Follower
follow
following
flower
O.W.N.E.R.
were
all
empowered
were all witnesses
to something
beautiful
What do you cry out for?
(12-09-2012, 04:39 PM)aaron Wrote: [ -> ]Leader
[ind]lead
[ind][ind]full
[ind][ind][ind]power
Follower
[ind]follow
[ind][ind]following
[ind][ind][ind]flower
O.W.N.E.R.
were is this line needed?
all
empowered
were all witnesses
[ind]to something
beautiful
What do you cry out for?
in a word...sex
hi aaron. the problem i have with the poem is the title. i see the poem as leader and follower.
the way the poem's set up i'd have gone for the opposites route you almost have
leader/follower, lead/follow, then the thins becomes different; full/following. flower/power do have associative meanings so they get through. but i can't see the point of owner done that way. and you could have had owned in the other stanza. all in all it's okay but i found it too simplistic. if you want to indent just click on reply and see how i did it.
thanks for the read.
(12-09-2012, 05:03 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ] (12-09-2012, 04:39 PM)aaron Wrote: [ -> ]Leader
[ind]lead
[ind][ind]full
[ind][ind][ind]power
Follower
[ind]follow
[ind][ind]following
[ind][ind][ind]flower
O.W.N.E.R.
were is this line needed?
all
empowered
were all witnesses
[ind]to something
beautiful
What do you cry out for?
in a word...sex
hi aaron. the problem i have with the poem is the title. i see the poem as leader and follower.
the way the poem's set up i'd have gone for the opposites route you almost have
leader/follower, lead/follow, then the thins becomes different; full/following. flower/power do have associative meanings so they get through. but i can't see the point of owner done that way. and you could have had owned in the other stanza. all in all it's okay but i found it too simplistic. if you want to indent just click on reply and see how i did it.
thanks for the read.
hey billy im kindof a noob to poetry forums i wrote this wile listening to an ambient post rock musician. his music put me in a trance and i was trying to capture the impression each piece of his set had on me. he ended by creating very cool sounds by yelling into a microphone. i know this is a simple poem but i just wanted to see if someone would actually read it. i reeeaally appreciate your feedback.. ive been writing for years but my work always sucked. just recently i realize that i can fix that problem. thanx for showing me how to indent.
hi aaron, if you're a newb at it, or want to improve on the suck part
try out the novice forum for a while. the feedback is geared up to be less forceful/in-depth and doesn't come across as too harsh. simple poetry can be some of the best so don't knock it for being simple. if you want any help just ask for it in the novice forum. it's the best way to improve.