As parabolic cloud drifts race overhead
And haloes of extinction whiplash his eyes
“It isn’t paradisial,”
He wryly observes,
“Those crows washing up in my dreams.”
“Fill their horrid beaks with what,
--- My dripping ribs?
Wraith flesh and blood is delightful I hear,
The Styxians later will feast on its bones
And slice through its rinds without a thought…”
In a doppelganger's dream world
Where nobody enters and nobody leaves,
They’ll exhibit my remains---in a doppelganger’s
Dream world, I’ll be free!
(12-07-2012, 06:52 AM)pound526 Wrote: [ -> ]As parabolic cloud drifts rise overhead the syntax is struggling in this line a suggestion would be: cloud-drifts, i's also suggest dropping 'as'
And haloes of extinction whiplash his eyes
“It isn’t paradisial,”
He wryly observes,
“Those crows spewing up in my dreams.”
“Fill their horrid beaks with what,
My liquid ribs?
Wraith flesh and blood is delightful I hear,
The Styxians later will feast on its bones
And slice through its rinds without a thought…”
In a doppelgangers dream world
Where nobody enters and nobody leaves, is 'where' needed?
They’ll exhibit my remains---in a doppelganger’s
Dream world, I’ll be free! this line feels too forced, for me the poem ended on the one above.
it's a bit freaky
but you have a good basis for a small edit.
thanks for the read.
hey pound,
parabolic is pretty cool. something of the parable there. also the focusing thing. yeah the poem seems pretty focused. there's a lot of enthusiasm and some of it tongue-in-cheek. you might want to take a step back and expand this. or maybe you already have? btw read up on ted hughes'
crow. i think you'll enjoy it. all the ebst
arka
(12-07-2012, 06:52 AM)pound526 Wrote: [ -> ]As parabolic cloud drifts race overhead
And haloes of extinction whiplash his eyes
“It isn’t paradisial,”
He wryly observes,
“Those crows washing up in my dreams.”
“Fill their horrid beaks with what,
--- My dripping ribs?
Wraith flesh and blood is delightful I hear,
The Styxians later will feast on its bones
And slice through its rinds without a thought…”
In a doppelganger's dream world
Where nobody enters and nobody leaves,
They’ll exhibit my remains---in a doppelganger’s
Dream world, I’ll be free!
(12-08-2012, 07:12 PM)arka Wrote: [ -> ]hey pound,
parabolic is pretty cool. something of the parable there. also the focusing thing. yeah the poem seems pretty focused. there's a lot of enthusiasm and some of it tongue-in-cheek. you might want to take a step back and expand this. or maybe you already have? btw read up on ted hughes' crow. i think you'll enjoy it. all the ebst
arka
(12-07-2012, 06:52 AM)pound526 Wrote: [ -> ]As parabolic cloud drifts race overhead
And haloes of extinction whiplash his eyes
“It isn’t paradisial,”
He wryly observes,
“Those crows washing up in my dreams.”
“Fill their horrid beaks with what,
--- My dripping ribs?
Wraith flesh and blood is delightful I hear,
The Styxians later will feast on its bones
And slice through its rinds without a thought…”
In a doppelganger's dream world
Where nobody enters and nobody leaves,
They’ll exhibit my remains---in a doppelganger’s
Dream world, I’ll be free!
Thanks for the healthy feedback! I enjoy letting my dark imagination out of its cage now and then.