Not usually one for form or even rhyme always - I thought I'd try to write within a structure & found it much more difficult than I thought it would be!
What sense is there if you, my love, are gone -
And with you take the colour of my world?
The same key were we pitched, our song was one,
In arms wrapped tight, each one was safely furled.
Bright promise draws you further from my sight
Old story tattered with the telling owned -
Pale, insubstantial moth drawn to the light
Of youth and beauty, lissom limbs unknown.
By this false dawn, enraptured, hand in hand
You leave me to my world of black and white
I fear you may not make it safe to land -
For princess is she not, nor you a knight.
Old love is often valued less than new
Yet there is life and strength where once it grew
what is the title?
some lines went off the iambic pentameter but i think they did so in a good way. i think its a good sonnet. the end rhyme are good though i'm not sure about owned/unknown. a bit more imagery would have added to it but it's a great effort.
(12-06-2012, 11:44 PM)Bizzy Wrote: [ -> ]Not usually one for form or even rhyme always - I thought I'd try to write within a structure & found it much more difficult than I thought it would be!
What sense is there if you, my love, are gone -
And with you take the colour of my world?
The same key were we pitched, our song was one, i like the extended metaphor in this line
In arms wrapped tight, each one was safely furled.
Bright promise draws you further from my sight
Old story tattered with the telling owned - good solid line.
Pale, insubstantial moth drawn to the light
Of youth and beauty, lissom limbs unknown.
By this false dawn, enraptured, hand in hand
You leave me to my world of black and white
I fear you may not make it safe to land -
For princess is she not, nor you a knight. she is not
Old love is often valued less than new
Yet there is life and strength where once it grew
Decided on a title - which then made me change the last couplet and couldn't find a new rhyme for owned without changing everything. Thanks for the feedback.
Your choice
What sense is there if you, my love, are gone -
And with you take the colour from my world?
The same key were we pitched, our song was one,
In arms wrapped tight, each one was safely furled.
Bright promise draws you further from my sight
Old tattered story now in telling owned -
Pale, insubstantial moth drawn to the light
Of youth and beauty, lissome limbs unknown.
By this false dawn, enraptured, hand in hand
You leave me to my world of black and white
I fear you may not make it safe to land -
For princess she is not, nor you a knight.
When novelty is old and blood has cooled
Regret not what you chose when your heart ruled
(12-06-2012, 11:44 PM)Bizzy Wrote: [ -> ]Not usually one for form or even rhyme always - I thought I'd try to write within a structure & found it much more difficult than I thought it would be!
What sense is there if you, my love, are gone -
And with you take the colour of my world?
The same key were we pitched, our song was one,
In arms wrapped tight, each one was safely furled.
Bright promise draws you further from my sight
Old story tattered with the telling owned -
Pale, insubstantial moth drawn to the light
Of youth and beauty, lissom limbs unknown.
By this false dawn, enraptured, hand in hand
You leave me to my world of black and white
I fear you may not make it safe to land -
For princess is she not, nor you a knight.
Old love is often valued less than new
Yet there is life and strength where once it grew