leaning pond burdens a weary easel
in the hearth's generous stream-
a refuge from the back and forth
a place to recite imaginary diatribes
and stroke rosy memories into a frigid scene
normally unfinished
half-painted skaters once
leathered in a slow blink
leaving behind rusted chemistry
when 'old together' sounded like brass
drowning death's faint tinkling
pink parka splattered with sad confetti
in a spill of color and spirit
and an insincere struggle
to take a memory along
A bit of a puzzle for me, notwithstanding the title. My brother has a studio where he paints, sculpts, writes, does wood-carvings and so on. It reminded me of that. I completely missed 'old to-gether' - growing old to-gether, perhaps. C+
A soft, sweetly melancholic piece. I think you did a good job with this. I got the gist of it, though some lines were harder to discern than others (I had trouble with the second stanza in particular). Nevertheless the overall mood and effect the imagery gave was entrancing, and worked well for me. Many lines were, for me, spectacular ("pink parka splattered with sad confetti" is a favorite of mine, among others), and I really liked the final stanza. I think the first stanza could be edited as well, though I really like the cleverness of the first line and find it a strong opener (maybe remove the "a refuge from the back and forth" line altogether? I might have more concrete suggestions later)
Thanks very much for the read
abu nuwas,
Thanks for the feedback and the grade. Particularly the +
addy,
I'll take a look at making my associations more clear. Your feedback is very helpful.
Thanks to both of you for reading.
i purposely didn't respond till now. the reason is, i wasn't sure what to say.
i wasn't sure what my take on the poem actually was. the last stanza feels like a degas, the opening stanza, a Monet; at least the first line does. i think you gave the reader too much and in doing so, too little in the 2nd stanza. (mainly L3 and 4 of it) i like that it pulls me towards painters i know but hate that i'm not sure why. remember Don McLean's "Vincent" ? this feels like it wants to be similar but doesn't achieve the act as much. i wasn't to like it but am still on the fence and not sure if i should pick one side over the other. jmo.
wish i could have been more helpful mark
thanks for the read.
Thanks for the feedback, Billy. I'm not sure what to say to that though. I guess that means it sucks, but I can't tell from the way you said it as to what sucks about it.
I think from addy's comments and yours together that it is too vague. I can't say I'm completely happy with the poem as-is, but that's one of the reasons I posted it. Sometimes I'm afraid to be too direct . . . maybe to the point that I come off as inane.
it's far from sucking hehe. i think some work can be done on the 2nd verse L3 and 4.
for me it just needs a bit of clarity. but that jmo.
anyway it certainly doesn't suck
I'll have another look at it when I get free. Thanks Billy.
My initial response to this was puzzlement. What the heck does it all mean? On further reading I became intrigued and enjoyed trying to piece to-gether the meaning.
So, this bloke is entering old age and isn't in a happy marriage and he hides in his hobbies, he has an unfinished painting of himself and his wife skating on a pond in happier times. He thought that growing older together would deaden his fear of death...but, it hasn't turned out that way. This is my best guess at the poem's meaning.
"in the hearth's generous stream-
leathered in a slow blink
leaving behind rusted chemistry".........I love the sound of these but have no idea what they mean.
That's pretty much it Jill. Thanks for being the only one (besides addy) to get it
but jill and addy had trouble wit the 2nd as well
i don't think that its we don't get it. i'm most of us did i fact get it or a lot of it.
i just think most of us saw a part that wasn't as clear as we thought it should be.
it happens all the time with my stuff, they don't understand me
I just feel lucky if anyone can understand where I am coming from. As soon as I get some free time I will look into it.