You are my peaceful place,
All I have to do is imagine your face.
Who would have ever known,
That you would be the one for which I would long.
Ripples upon the lake,
Wanting it all to be fake.
Wind blowing my hair,
Screaming out this isn’t fair.
I jump as the cranes sing their songs,
Wishing that you were not gone.
For you were the one by my side,
Now in whom am I to confide.
The water lapping against the shore,
Wondering what am I doing this for.
Searching for some hidden meaning,
The sound of your voice is what I am feining.
Blue skies linger above,
Forever seeking your love.
Green grass dancing in the wind,
On this day I am missing my friend.
I send my rock across the lake,
Only doing this for your sake.
Two no three times it skips,
If only I could touch your lips.
I wander along the shore,
Never wanting you more.
I stop and fall to my knees,
Come back to me I’m begging you please.
Not there to answer my call,
No one to catch me as I fall.
Looking down at the sand,
I can almost feel you reach for my hand.
You are my sunshine is what you would say,
Don't be sad for me another day.
Forever keep me in your heart,
And there we will never be apart.
I force myself to stand,
Pretending that you grabbed my hand.
I take one last glance around,
Feeling as if it is peace that I have found.
hi purple pixie and thanks for posting your poem.
have to rush now but will reply proper when i get back
Hello there, and welcome! This is very heartfelt and moving, with the imagery of the lake setting the mood nicely. There are a few lines that could do with a bit of work, so I'll just touch on some of those here.
(09-09-2011, 05:57 AM)purplepixie Wrote: [ -> ]You are my peaceful place,
All I have to do is imagine your face.
Who would have ever known,
That you would be the one for which I would long. -- should really be "for whom", but this line itself is too long, you could try "that it would be you for whom I would long".
Ripples upon the lake,
Wanting it all to be fake.
Wind blowing my hair,
Screaming out this isn’t fair.
I jump as the cranes sing their songs, -- I really like this image
Wishing that you were not gone.
For you were the one by my side,
Now in whom am I to confide.
The water lapping against the shore,
Wondering what am I doing this for.
Searching for some hidden meaning,
The sound of your voice is what I am feining. -- do you mean this word to be "feigning"? If so, are you sure it's exactly the right word for what you mean to say?
Blue skies linger above,
Forever seeking your love.
Green grass dancing in the wind,
On this day I am missing my friend.
I send my rock across the lake,
Only doing this for your sake.
Two no three times it skips,
If only I could touch your lips.
I wander along the shore,
Never wanting you more.
I stop and fall to my knees,
Come back to me I’m begging you please.
Not there to answer my call,
No one to catch me as I fall.
Looking down at the sand,
I can almost feel you reach for my hand.
You are my sunshine is what you would say,
Don't be sad for me another day.
Forever keep me in your heart,
And there we will never be apart.
I force myself to stand,
Pretending that you grabbed my hand.
I take one last glance around,
Feeling as if it is peace that I have found. -- you could take out "that" here
This is a really good start, thanks for posting
Hi purplepixie,
Welcome to the forums! It's nice to see you posting a poem.
Rhyme is a good device in poetry. It makes a poem easier to remember and recite. It falls out of favor from time to time but in general I think we could and should use anything we like when creating a poem.
I think the fun in using rhyme is making people think of unusual connections as you link two words. Lake and fake do this for me. It makes me wonder what does the speaker wish were fake. Has a death occured? Is it the pain of a remembered relationship that failed?
There are tricks to working with rhyme but what I mainly want to discuss is that sometimes we get engrossed in making the rhymes work and the content suffers by staying too on the surface.
So to that point, I like that you developed a setting here: I like the ripples on the lake contrasting with that peaceful place. I love the cranes, the skipping stone, and the possible significance of the setting. I'd like though for the poem to go deeper and surprise me. It might even be valuable to try to write a version without rhyme and than reinsert it later (just a possibility).
I mean as an example just look at putting your first few lines together in a poem and consider the content (just illustrating not suggesting this as a rewrite):
You are my peaceful place
Ripples upon the lake
I jump as the cranes sing their songs
The water lapping against the shore
Blue skies linger... (well you get the idea)
I think you could really develop this.
Again, glad to have you here.
Best,
Todd
thanks for your first poem purple,
some of our feedback may be a bit overpowering but if you bear with us,
i promise it will be to your advantage as far as writing poetry goes, as i know it was advantageous for me
i'll concentrate on imagery.
as leanne pointed out, this;
I jump as the cranes sing their songs
is a great image. it feels original and we can see it. the following;
You are my peaceful place,
All I have to do is imagine your face.
Who would have ever known,
That you would be the one for which I would long.
is what we call "tell," "tell" is where you speak about something without showing an image.
you have some imagery in the poem but work on changing some of the "tell" for the "show"
maybe work just one or two verse at a time till you get the hang of what people have said.
like leanne, i love the crane image. the theme of the poem is genuinely loving and works well.
looking forward to more of your work. great first post
You have some nice imagery here, as the others pointed out --- the skipping stone, the water, the cranes (the cranes, I feel, is an especially nice touch, since in several cultures cranes are seen as symbols of longevity and fealty, and are also regarded as travelers/ messengers / heralds)
I think this poem could still be shortened. Not for the sake of shortening it, mind you... but imo from here you can cherry-pick which images/lines will help you tell the most cohesive story with your subject. Currently the problem I see with it is that you try to mention too many things---
lake, wind, sky, grass, shore, rock, sand, sun --- that it ends up reading more like a running tally of stuff you see in nature, thus making it a bit generic. I say stick with a combination of elements that best allow you to tell the story you want to tell: just as an example, ---a rock, ripple, wind, birdsong --- I associate the combination of those elements with loneliness, a sense of quiet pining, seeing signs and chasing shadows... you get the idea LOL
So pick any combination of elements you want, something that you think best distills the mood and sentiment you wish to express... it will make the piece that much tighter and give it more impact. Just a suggestion purplepix
Thanks guys. Todd..I see what you are saying about making it deeper, and I do like the idea of not using rhyme. I will try that. So the lake and fake...making you wonder what I was meaning. Do you think that is something that I should specify? I appreciate your feedback.
Leanne...I like the shorting of line four. That does sound much better. I will try to find a better way to word line
16. Billy and Addy...thanks for your feedback as well. All of the things you guys said are very helpful. I'm gonna work on revising it soon..and see how it goes. Look forward to sharing more and reading more.
=)