Your shadow dancin, on my wall
chips and scars, where the headboard falls
Toil my belle, with drunken intention
i'm intensified, by your separation
You engulfed my bed, with moisted heat
now we're laying still, on love stained sheets.
~ck~
hi craig,
for me it needs to relate
to the reader. the last two lines succeed to a point
but the lines 1 through 4 need a bit of clarity.
thanks for the read
(07-25-2011, 05:01 PM)ckeo Wrote: [ -> ]Your shadow dancin, on my wall
chips and scars, where the headboard falls
Toil my belle, with drunken intention
i'm intensified, by your separation
You engulfed my bed, with moisted heat
now we're laying still, on love stained sheets.
~ck~
Two words stand out: "laying" (you lay bricks--you lie down)
"moisted" (moistened)
Beyond that, I know you have this picture in your head of this particular
experience you wish to share, but it will not necessarily translate as easily to your readers without more effective visuals...not that I care for an explicit description mind you...I prefer the subtle approach myself.
Sid
(07-27-2011, 03:35 AM)ICSoria Wrote: [ -> ] (07-25-2011, 05:01 PM)ckeo Wrote: [ -> ]Your shadow dancin, on my wall
chips and scars, where the headboard falls
Toil my belle, with drunken intention
i'm intensified, by your separation
You engulfed my bed, with moisted heat
now we're laying still, on love stained sheets.
~ck~
Two words stand out: "laying" (you lay bricks--you lie down)
"moisted" (moistened)
Beyond that, I know you have this picture in your head of this particular experience you wish to share, but it will not necessarily translate as easily to your readers without more effective visuals...not that I care for an explicit description mind you...I prefer the subtle approach myself.
Sid
You are right, lying would have been a better choice...
Moistened is what I thought I wrote.
I have to learn how much I need to reveal to make people understand it like I do... I dont like being overly explicit, I think a piece should make people think about it a little. Like a puzzle, once its solved, how often do you go back and do it over ? But thats just my preference, not everything has to be that way
You're getting there.
Gotta tell ya tho.
I love honesty in poetry.
The Wet Spot.
How honest is that!
David
p.s. Go on line and get a spellcheck for your toolbar, they're free.
http://www.iespell.com/