Edit 1
We share an alarm clock,
getting dressed and undressed,
A pillow, and a mouth—
coming into our own
Ouroboros.
Love is not
tinder, spark, flame,
But abundance, abundance, abundance
abundance, aurora borealis.
Original
We share
an alarm clock,
getting dressed and un-
dressed, a pillow, and a mouth—
coming into our own
Ouroboros.
Love is not
tinder, spark, flame,
But abundance, abundance, abundance
abundance—we share
aurora borealis.
Hey Miley, lots to like here. A few thoughts below...
(02-19-2021, 11:44 AM)Miley Wrote: [ -> ]We share an alarm clock, personally like this better as one line. Starts off with a strong statement.
getting dressed and un-
dressed, a pillow, and a mouth— a sexy enjambment here
coming into our own
Ouroboros.
Love is not
tinder, spark, flame, "tinder" plays a cheeky role here. Nice
But abundance, abundance, abundance
abundance—we share
aurora borealis.
I almost want the poem to end after "abundance, abundance, abundance, abundance" but if not I might suggest "Wawatay" as a title.
Thanks for the read,
Paul
Paul's suggestion about ending: how about just dropping "we share" and leaving "aurora borealis"
i think the sharing is understood. Love use of "ouroboros" but maybe it shouldn't be capitalized if "aurora borealis" is not.
Hey Miley,
This was really a soft well written piece.
I like the structure and the well-thought out line breaks....it really set the mood for this and made it more interesting because it’s hard to write a good love poem. It’s been done thousands of times in thousands of different ways so it’s hard to write one that’s really unique.
I kinda wish the second stanza had more to it because the first stanza was so strong with a sensual romantic imagery. I was kinda hoping the second stanza followed that same tone.
Since “we share” was one line in the first stanza, it would really emphasize the second stanza like the first if you made it one line. And since sharing seems to be the main idea behind the poem.
Overall, this was eloquent and lovely. I enjoyed it very much.
Hi Miley,
enjoyed the read : ) comments below
(02-19-2021, 11:44 AM)Miley Wrote: [ -> ]We share
an alarm clock, I personally liked this better as one line. It felt more to-the-point
getting dressed and un- don't understand the line break here. I think what's going on is that you're trying to arrange this poem into a certain "shape" I guess? But you may be compromising the flow of the poem for aesthetics. If you're okay with that you can leave it as is, but as a reader I feel it takes away from the reading experience.
dressed, a pillow, and a mouth—
coming into our own
Ouroboros.
Love is not if you want to make a somewhat sly reference to pop culture, you could bump "tinder" up to this line and break it there. You'll probably roll some eyes though lol
tinder, spark, flame,
But abundance, abundance, abundance
abundance—we share
aurora borealis. This image felt pretty abrupt and unrelated to me, but it's probably because there is context behind the poem that I'm simply not aware of. Maybe it's something to do with the similarities in pronunciation between "ouroboros" and "aurora borealis"? But I still can't articulate a sound connection between the two that ties the poem together.
All the best,
Alex
Thank you for reading, and offering you feedback everyone, I appreciate it!
I'm not sure why I'm drawn to the stilted linebreaks/enjambment. I've edited it to make it read smoother. I look forward to looking at both versions in the future when I've got some distance. At any rate, very minor changes.. I may make a few more, unsure.
I don’t think you need the “aurora borealis” at the end. It reads too much like casual stream of consciousness speak.
.
Hi Miley,
improved with the revision, but I agree with Tiger et al, you don't the the aurora (which doesn't feel like a conclusion to tinder, spark etc).
I think L7 is the main weakness, for me. Whatever love is, shouldn't relate to the sharing of L1?
Also, perhaps switch the opening two lines
getting dressed and undressed,
We share an alarm clock,
A pillow, and a mouth—
coming into our own Ouroboros.
Best, Knot
.