What is it?
I ask myself this constantly.
A wave of doubt is haunting me.
What is it about me that has sealed this fate?
A quality I was not endowed?
Am I too driven
or too loud?
I feel as though I have been cursed,
forever solely
I'll roam the earth.
I try to place the fault outside
contracting walls that wrap my mind,
but the finger always points the same-
"I only have myself to blame."
I watch,
absorb sweet narratives,
convinced that's how I ought to live.
I grasp at air, distort what I see,
chasing a fable that's just beyond reach.
I know I should find peace inside of myself,
but god do I wish I had somebody else.
(09-18-2020, 01:55 AM)Lilly123 Wrote: [ -> ]What is it?
I ask myself this constantly. Might consider other possibilities for relationship between this and previous line - for example, place this on the first line after "it," or replace period with em-dash to connect with the following line.
A wave of doubt is haunting me.
What is it about me that has sealed this fate?
A quality I was not endowed? "Endowed" does not work here without "with" - that is, "with which I was not endowed." (Endowed is good, though, for the distant rhyme with "loud.")
Am I too driven
or too loud? good line break here
I feel as though I have been cursed,
forever solely
I'll roam the earth. suggest extending "I'll" into "I shall," perhaps then move "I" to end of previous line.
I try to place the fault outside
contracting walls that wrap my mind, good image here
but the finger always points the same- might consider colon here, or comma (leading into quote)
"I only have myself to blame." Initially thought this should be second person ("You only have yourself...") but on reflection this works better. And the sole (g) use of end rhyme is nice.
I watch,
absorb sweet narratives,
convinced that's how I ought to live. perhaps semicolon here, connecting the two sentences into one "how I live" description?
I grasp at air, distort what I see,
chasing a fable that's just beyond reach.
I know I should find peace inside of myself, could do without "of" here, or replace "inside of" with "within"
but god do I wish I had somebody else. perhaps "someone" instead of "somebody" for rhythm?
In moderate critique, first see above for detail.
In general, first off, the title. I take it to describe the thoughts which follow as "unsought," that is, didn't want or expect them, but there they are. That works, but there's also a distinct seeking in the body of the work for someone (else) - to blame, emulate, or just have. Could a title include that as well?
There are a few infelicities (they seem to me) pointed out above, but the basic idea of the poem is sound. It could use more showing - as in the shrinking room phrase - rather than telling. See if you can find more images of the seeking viewpoint.
What is it?
I ask myself this constantly.
A wave of doubt is haunting me.
What is it about me that has sealed this fate? ..... is it sealed?
A quality I was not endowed? ...... name the quality
Am I too driven
or too loud? ..............liked that
I feel as though I have been cursed,
forever solely
I'll roam the earth. .......this could be better.
I try to place the fault outside
contracting walls that wrap my mind,
but the finger always points the same-
"I only have myself to blame." ..............ok, that had a bit of strength
I watch,
absorb sweet narratives,
convinced that's how I ought to live.
I grasp at air, distort what I see,
chasing a fable that's just beyond reach.
I know I should find peace inside of myself, .........you know? or people say?
but god do I wish I had somebody else.
Hey,
You had a strong emotion to pull on. I think the understanding of limitations is a good mirror. Really good idea.
I think you can improve your wordsmithing. It needs some texture. Boil it down to fewer words. It would be more powerful. IMHO
Keep on it. Don't love the title. I get it, I just think there's a better word.
Jack
wow! a powerful poem....
I enjoyed reading for the painful honesty -schadenfreude?
roam - sounds twee...fable - not quite on it....
I would suggest breaking into four line stanzas - to give the reader a breather and slow up the the resolution.