in the event of moon disaster
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved leeches, they
Leap from vein to vein,
For from the marrow of
Mankind do they suckle
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
Hi Joyful Noise,
Really enjoyed this. Comments below
(08-07-2020, 10:56 PM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]in the event of moon disaster
One, splitting tension, creates a I don't think the commas are necessary. I saw in your other poem "hummingbird" how you experimented with form and I was wondering if you'd want to try that here. Maybe to achieve the pauses I think you were going for around "splitting tension" you could add more space around the word. Just a thought. Otherwise, I like the start
Small disturbance in the fore- 2-3 dashes for an em dash
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them I like these last two lines but I don't really understand the structure of the sentence. My confusion starts at "step of giants". That being said, it might be more helpful to the reader if you only capitalized like you normally would instead of at the beginning of every line.
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved leeches, they
Leap from vein to vein,
For from the marrow of
Mankind do they suckle I'm unclear about who "they" is but I think I have a vague idea
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
Thank you for the read and welcome to the site!
Alex
(08-08-2020, 12:15 AM)alexorande Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Joyful Noise,
Really enjoyed this. Comments below
(08-07-2020, 10:56 PM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]in the event of moon disaster
One, splitting tension, creates a I don't think the commas are necessary. I saw in your other poem "hummingbird" how you experimented with form and I was wondering if you'd want to try that here. Maybe to achieve the pauses I think you were going for around "splitting tension" you could add more space around the word. Just a thought. Otherwise, I like the start
Small disturbance in the fore- 2-3 dashes for an em dash
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them I like these last two lines but I don't really understand the structure of the sentence. My confusion starts at "step of giants". That being said, it might be more helpful to the reader if you only capitalized like you normally would instead of at the beginning of every line.
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved leeches, they
Leap from vein to vein,
For from the marrow of
Mankind do they suckle I'm unclear about who "they" is but I think I have a vague idea
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
Thank you for the read and welcome to the site!
Alex
Thank you, Alex! I
love your suggestion about creating space around “splitting tension.” Will most likely implement. There is a reason I chose to capitalize the first word of each line…maybe read once more and see if you can spot it ;)
Perhaps a hint would be to tell you that the em dash you suggested really is meant to be a hyphen (thought I had to look it up to be sure). The full word is meant to be forestep.
Anyone have thoughts on the final three lines? I like the jumping from vein to vein image, but I also recognize that it doesn’t really fit with the idea of the marrow… The first word of each line should stay the same...
(08-07-2020, 10:56 PM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]in the event of moon disaster
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them
I do like the imagery of the sinkhole, and bravery in relation to the moonlanding
One distant dust speckle, this stanza kinda confused me, seems totally different not a quick connection, especially in relation to the quote. Is this dust earth? Me? A star?
Giant to its beloved leeches, they leeches can be anything that sucks the blood of me or earth or a star...
Leap from vein to vein, leaping leeches?
For from the marrow of so this is the man who is dust And being leeched upon why? I'm lost in the image, the mission failed but why leeches?
Mankind do they suckle am I the leech?
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
(08-09-2020, 11:00 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: [ -> ] (08-07-2020, 10:56 PM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]in the event of moon disaster
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them
I do like the imagery of the sinkhole, and bravery in relation to the moonlanding
One distant dust speckle, this stanza kinda confused me, seems totally different not a quick connection, especially in relation to the quote. Is this dust earth? Me? A star?
Giant to its beloved leeches, they leeches can be anything that sucks the blood of me or earth or a star...
Leap from vein to vein, leaping leeches?
For from the marrow of so this is the man who is dust And being leeched upon why? I'm lost in the image, the mission failed but why leeches?
Mankind do they suckle am I the leech?
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
The quote was more of a jumping off point, and not all of the poem is meant to reflect it pointedly. I see your point about the leaping leeches…Leap has to stay the same, maybe I can change the bug. The second stanza is more from the POV of the man on the moon, looking back to earth (the dust speckle).
(08-07-2020, 10:56 PM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]in the event of moon disaster
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved leeches, they
Leap from vein to vein,
For from the marrow of
Mankind do they suckle
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
I think the metaphor lost its way towards the end, from dust speckles to veins and from leeches feeding on blood to sucking on marrow.
I'm also not sure about what you mean by sinkholes being as large as the diver. It can make sense if sinkholes are a metaphor for something else, because it obviously doesn't make sense literally, and there's something lost in that abstraction. I come away from it initially pleased, but then I wonder what the heck I just read.
[quote="busker" pid='250107' dateline='1597060152']
[quote="Joyful Noise" pid='250049' dateline='1596808597']
in the event of moon disaster
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For sinkholes are only as large as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved leeches, they
Leap from vein to vein,
For from the marrow of
Mankind do they suckle
*The title of this poem is pulled from the header of a 1969 speech prepared in the event that the Apollo 11 crew did not return from their lunar mission.*
[/quote]
I think the metaphor lost its way towards the end, from dust speckles to veins and from leeches feeding on blood to sucking on marrow.
I'm also not sure about what you mean by sinkholes being as large as the diver. It can make sense if sinkholes are a metaphor for something else, because it obviously doesn't make sense literally, and there's something lost in that abstraction. I come away from it initially pleased, but then I wonder what the heck I just read.
[/quote]
Thanks busker. Only realized just this moment that I used “large” instead of “deep,” which I’m sure only obscured the message more. I agree that the metaphors are a little all over the place. The leeches bit especially. The sinkholes are meant to be representative of the moon’s craters, and their comparison to the diver is more a reflection of man’s willingness to explore and discover than the literal size of the sinkholes/craters. Perhaps replacing sinkholes with craters would help a bit. Think I got a little caught up in my personal additions—had just spoken with a friend who told me she got her scuba diving license in an 80 ft sinkhole in Mexico. Thought it would be cool to incorporate that, but I think it really just ended up feeling forced. Will rework.
[quote="Joyful Noise" pid='250049' dateline='1596808597']
in the event of moon disaster: edit #1
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For craters are only as deep as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its beloved primates, they
Leap from branch to branch,
For from the fruit of the canopy of
Mankind do they suckle
Big changes in stanza 2. Not sure how to feel… L9 is a little wordy.
A reminder that my form is derived from the necessity of the first word of each line to remain the same.
'sinkholes as deep as the diver' is actually quite good, and makes sense. at least, to me.
don't be in a hurry to revise. let it marinade. the revised version betrays haste (and is significantly worse than the original)
(08-11-2020, 08:03 AM)busker Wrote: [ -> ]'sinkholes as deep as the diver' is actually quite good, and makes sense. at least, to me.
don't be in a hurry to revise. let it marinade. the revised version betrays haste (and is significantly worse than the original)
I appreciate your straightforwardness, busker. My revisions are meant more to be a fitting room excursion and less a final sale. Really I just wanted to “try on” a new metaphor (particularly in the second stanza). Not necessarily wanting to stick with it.
(08-08-2020, 12:32 AM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you, Alex! I love your suggestion about creating space around “splitting tension.” Will most likely implement. There is a reason I chose to capitalize the first word of each line…maybe read once more and see if you can spot it 
Perhaps a hint would be to tell you that the em dash you suggested really is meant to be a hyphen (thought I had to look it up to be sure). The full word is meant to be forestep.
I noticed why shortly after rereading your poem, but I think it could be handled more subtly and cause less of a distraction to the reader if the capitalization is done normally. Just my opinion
Warm regards,
Alex
in the event of moon disaster: edit #2
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For craters are only as deep as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its kingly children; they
Leap from land to land,
For from the marrow of
Mankind do they unwittingly suckle
(08-13-2020, 11:47 PM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]in the event of moon disaster: edit #2
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For craters are only as deep as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its kingly children; they
Leap from land to land,
For from the marrow of
Mankind, though they know it not, do they suckle To conserve words, you could just simply say something like "Mankind unknowingly suckles."
Admittedly, I'm still a little unclear about who is "they" in the last stanza. It seems like "they" is referencing mankind, but then the final lines are about how they suckle from mankind's marrow? Sorry, not following.
Also, for easier reading of other members on the site, you can hide previous drafts in your original post by typing both "pre verse" then "/pre verse" in brackets and leaving your old draft in between so it looks like:
Afterwards you can update your original post to have your new draft, as opposed to adding it as a comment to your thread.
(08-14-2020, 04:26 AM)alexorande Wrote: [ -> ] (08-13-2020, 11:47 PM)Joyful Noise Wrote: [ -> ]in the event of moon disaster: edit #2
One splitting tension creates a
Small disturbance in the fore-
Step of giants
For craters are only as deep as the
Man who dives down into them
One distant dust speckle,
Giant to its kingly children; they
Leap from land to land,
For from the marrow of
Mankind, though they know it not, do they suckle To conserve words, you could just simply say something like "Mankind unknowingly suckles."
Admittedly, I'm still a little unclear about who is "they" in the last stanza. It seems like "they" is referencing mankind, but then the final lines are about how they suckle from mankind's marrow? Sorry, not following.
Also, for easier reading of other members on the site, you can hide previous drafts in your original post by typing both "pre verse" then "/pre verse" in brackets and leaving your old draft in between so it looks like:
Afterwards you can update your original post to have your new draft, as opposed to adding it as a comment to your thread.
Great feedback as always. Super helpful tip—definitely still a newbie. As for “they” yes, it is referring to mankind, which I can see how that would cause some confusion. However, it is the idea that I am attempting to convey. That mankind may eventually resort to the moon because by destroying the earth we are in fact and in turn depleting ourselves. In a nutshell.
So mankind suckles from the marrow of mankind is the idea you're trying to convey? I think you might want to give those last few lines a bit more consideration. If that's what you're trying to say, then yes that's very confusing to me at least. If it's a line about our self-destructiveness then I think there could be better, less confusing ways to put it while sticking to that clever word scheme you have going on.