Recall what's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers—
somewhere, the tallest tree, elsewhere, the smallest.
What slow sound folds within the trees:
capillary action, water, turning
heartwood, call and response.
What's folded in this river valley:
chest beating personas, boys and girls seeking ways out
and ways in—doors or windows—
snake skins languishing silver on muddy banks,
a choir singing: steamboats, locomotives,
crickets, and lawnmowers.
Recall recall recall
what's folded in this river valley:
forgotten memorials, dead languages
suspended on signpost in public parks,
words like, Ohiyo, Miami, or Shawnee.
Recall glaciers splitting the heads of mountains—glaciers suicide-diving to the sea.
Recall cars driving through Route 50, Bridgetown, Dogtrot, Zion.
What's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers—
somewhere, the largest sound, elsewhere, the smallest.
And folded within a sound: the channels, the sediment,
the taste, and the runoff.
Hi Miley,
I found myself enjoying this one. While there were moments it flirted with being a list of concrete attributes I felt you really tied it together and made it work.
(04-26-2020, 01:00 AM)Miley Wrote: [ -> ]Recall what's folded in this river valley:--Good opening word Recall. It gives a layer of history and importance as if the reader should remember that there is a lot to be discussed. I like the idea folded also.
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers—Excellent details, I like the light introduction of glaciers. It makes the later lines feel earned.
somewhere, the tallest tree, elsewhere, the smallest.
What slow sound folds within the trees:
capillary action, water, turning
heartwood, call and response.--Normally, this sequence of rapid-fire words would throw me off, but I think by introducing them as the slow sounds within trees that have seen everything though mute in a way is a nice touch. I think if I were reading this aloud I would give even a slightly longer pause then the comma demands (though I'm not suggesting a punctuation shift, if I were reading it I would personally treat the commas as periods to full stop and emphasize each detail).
What's folded in this river valley:
chest beating personas, boys and girls seeking ways out--chest-beating probably needs a hyphen. I'm not of personas. It feels too artificial a word for this.
and ways in—doors or windows—--I think you could either cut doors or windows or you could demonstrate the action and cut the telling seeking ways out and ways in. I'm undecided I just think some cut should be here.
snake skins languishing silver on muddy banks,--Best standalone image in the poem.
a choir singing: steamboats, locomotives, --thought on parallel structure here below you have crickets (natural) lawnmowers (manufactured) you may want to follow that structure above and replace either steamboats or locomotives with a natural alternative.
crickets, and lawnmowers.
Recall recall recall
what's folded in this river valley:
forgotten memorials, dead languages
suspended on signpost in public parks,
words like, Ohiyo, Miami, or Shawnee.
Recall glaciers splitting the heads of mountains—glaciers suicide-diving to the sea.--This is a beautiful line. I would probably reverse these two and lead the cars because I think for this smaller strophe the glaciers as the second line would have more punch.
Recall cars driving through Route 50, Bridgetown, Dogtrot, Zion.
What's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers—
somewhere, the largest sound, elsewhere, the smallest.
And folded within a sound: the channels, the sediment,
the taste, and the runoff. --you bring back the echo of ideas, you earn the ending and the last two lines here are a solid conclusion.
I hope some of those opinions are helpful to you. If not, please ignore them.
Best,
Todd
(04-26-2020, 01:00 AM)Miley Wrote: [ -> ]Recall what's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers—
somewhere, the tallest tree, elsewhere, the smallest. Nice evocative opening.
What slow sound folds within the trees:
capillary action, water, turning very nice line break, captures water turning, and turning heartwood.
heartwood, call and response.
What's folded in this river valley:
chest beating personas, boys and girls seeking ways out I agree with Todd about persona's, I think you could find a better word or phrase as well. "hustlers" "big shots" "braggarts" "peacocks" a few suggestions off the top of the head.
and ways in—doors or windows— I love the ways out and ways in, again a great line break.
snake skins languishing silver on muddy banks,
a choir singing: steamboats, locomotives,
crickets, and lawnmowers. Beautiful.
Recall recall recall
what's folded in this river valley:
forgotten memorials, dead languages
suspended on signpost in public parks, This is a fantastic way of lending an image to a more abstract idea.
words like, Ohiyo, Miami, or Shawnee. This is a fine stanza, but I feel like it needs a second image or sound or smell that's concrete beyond the signpost - all the preceding stanzas were packed with real sensation, this one is more abstract. I think more concrete will improve the abstract.
Recall glaciers splitting the heads of mountains—glaciers suicide-diving to the sea. I like this, but I would remove the second "glaciers" in this line, it doesn't add anything and is just taking up space.
Recall cars driving through Route 50, Bridgetown, Dogtrot, Zion.
What's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers—
somewhere, the largest sound, elsewhere, the smallest. Before getting here, I had thought that cutting "somewhere" & "elsewhere" might improve the poem, I deleted that when I read this. For some reason, the call back here really works.
And folded within a sound: the channels, the sediment,
the taste, and the runoff. Great ending.
I really enjoyed reading this, thanks for sharing.
I grew up in Ohio, and really enjoyed this look back. Although I don't really remember much detail from my formative years, I did hang around the Ohio river sometimes, and this all seems to fit.
(04-26-2020, 01:00 AM)Miley Wrote: [ -> ]Recall what's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers—
somewhere, the tallest tree, elsewhere, the smallest.
What slow sound folds within the trees: I might not use the word "fold" here, because then fold would be used only to describe the river valley, until the last mention of fold within sounds
capillary action, water, turning
heartwood, call and response.
What's folded in this river valley:
chest beating personas, boys and girls seeking ways out
and ways in—doors or windows—
snake skins languishing silver on muddy banks,
a choir singing: steamboats, locomotives,
crickets, and lawnmowers.
Recall recall recall
what's folded in this river valley:
forgotten memorials, dead languages
suspended on signpost in public parks,
words like, Ohiyo, Miami, or Shawnee.
Recall glaciers splitting the heads of mountains—glaciers suicide-diving to the sea.
Recall cars driving through Route 50, Bridgetown, Dogtrot, Zion.
What's folded in this river valley:
honeysuckle, salt factories, glaciers—
somewhere, the largest sound, elsewhere, the smallest.
And folded within a sound: the channels, the sediment, here the word fold introduced for "sounds" for the first time might have more punch at describing layers within layers ... but I'm not an expert
the taste, and the runoff.