Bedtime Clichés
Her liver-spotted hands
run warm water through our dried-out hair,
massaging soap into our scalps until
we wince as lather dribbles in our eyes
(its fragrance of green apple promises
new renditions of today, wrapped in linen).
Before we whine, she takes both thumbs
to wipe away the bubbles, crooning
"You Are My Sunshine". Today's clothes
are strewn across ceramic tiles; their fabric
is a phrase full of sand, smelling of the sea,
and ketchup-stained. Airplane and
mermaid princess-patterned incarnations,
picked by her, are folded on the sink.
Laughing like there's always a tomorrow,
our juvenescence has convinced us that
we are the idea.
This is lovely. For me, all the white space slowed the read down effectively. Some notes:
(12-31-2018, 01:57 PM)alexorande Wrote: [ -> ]Bedtime Clichés
Her liver-spotted hands
run warm water through dry hair,
massaging soap into our scalps
until lather dribbles over wincing eyes.
The fragrance of green apple promises The scent draws me into the scene.
a new age of creation. Before we whine,
she takes both thumbs to wipe away
the bubbles while she hums a lullaby. Great image, I can feel the movement and now you've got the audio going too.
Today's clothes are strewn across
ceramic tiles; its fabric is a phrase I believe "today's clothes" is plural, "their fabric" sounds right to me. I like "a phrase full of sand..." again it pulls in the senses.
full of sand, smelling of the sea, and
ketchup-stained. Incarnations picked by her
are folded on the sink. And the guise
of childhood convinces us that
we are the idea. Lovely end, it's the rare person, if one exists, that ever truly shakes that.
Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it.
Hi Alex,
difficult to argue with anything Ellajam said,
so...
I think it deserves a better title, this one doesn't
fit well with the tone/mood of the piece.
S1 maybe name 'her', it's not the strongest of
openings.
Consider cutting S2, or coming up with a better
alternative to 'dribbles' (which does not work
well with 'wincing').
Just a suggestion:
Her liver-spotted hands
run warm water through dry hair,
the fragrance of green apple[s] promis[ing]
a new age of creation. Before we whine,
she takes both thumbs to wipe away
the bubbles[, humming] a lullaby.
Is there anything better than 'hums' in S4?
(Though thumbs/hums is quite nice)
S5, as Ella said, 'their fabric is...'
S6 the period after 'ketchup-stained' spoils the flow
for me, could you insert a modifier for 'incarnations'?
S7 'guise' seems a poor choice, would it work as
are folded on the sink, and childhood
convinces us that we are the idea ?
Best, Knot.
.
Yes, agree with a title change. I missed that, doesn't do the poem justice.
I had a hard time with the amount of passive voice in the poem. Perhaps consider addressing that issue.
Best,
Todd
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I’ll try to make some tweaks around your suggestions. Todd, I’m still trying to understand the passive voice critique. Maybe you could point out the lines where this issue stands out?
Kind regards,
Alex
Hey Alex,
I like the overall idea here. I do have some thoughts though:
(12-31-2018, 01:57 PM)alexorande Wrote: [ -> ]Bedtime Clichés -I think the title is okay. However, why not go into more detail about the cliches? Maybe even play around with the idea of what is cliched here more?
Her liver-spotted hands -I like this as an opening. It caught my attention, and made me want to know where this poem was going to take me.
run warm water through dry hair,
massaging soap into our scalps -Perhaps reword to something like : "soap massaged into our scalps/ until lather dribbles, eyes wince". This just sounds stronger to me.
until lather dribbles over wincing eyes.
The fragrance of green apple promises
a new age of creation. Before we whine, -I like the enjambment here. It emphasizes an important word, "whine". This words sums up the speaker's powerlessness well.
she takes both thumbs to wipe away
the bubbles while she hums a lullaby. -Now the lullaby could tie back to the cliches in the title. However, you need to go into more detail. Maybe pick a specific lullaby, or play around with how the lullaby sounds to the speaker?
Today's clothes are strewn across
ceramic tiles; its fabric is a phrase
full of sand, smelling of the sea, and
ketchup-stained. Incarnations picked by her -I quite like the image of the ketchup stain. The "phrase full of sand" sounds almost magical/carefree, but then it gets taken back to reality by the stain. Good stuff.
are folded on the sink. And the guise
of childhood convinces us that
we are the idea. -I love this ending. The spacing gives it the proper emphasis, but it's also so sad. It ties back to the cliche in the title too because most children would think like this, and there is something tired/cliched about a scene like that described in the poem. In my opinion, the ending strengthens the title. The only thing missing with the title is that you could describe them being tucked into bed as well, so the title is fully accurate. Just a thought.
I like this first draft, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.
Thanks for the read,
Richard
(12-31-2018, 01:57 PM)alexorande Wrote: [ -> ]Bedtime Clichés
Her liver-spotted hands
run warm water through dry hair,
This is a strong image. What's difficult for me is the unpossessed hair. Is it ours or hers? The question itself isn't the problem; it's just awkward phrasing. I know there's a pretty good two beat rhythm going here though and that a possessive pronoun would throw it out a little, but it's sort of strange to see phrases like these without a possessive. One almost imagines inanimate hair. Like a wig on a mannequin or something like that.
Quote:massaging soap into our scalps
until lather dribbles over wincing eyes.
Here we are again with oddly disembodied eyes. Other than that it's striking.
Quote:The fragrance of green apple promises
a new age of creation. Before we whine,
The new age of creation bit went kinda out there for me. Just threw a huge abstraction into the mix with a clumsy metaphor. I think if you stay in the concrete the symbolism associated with these images will do the heavy work for you. I absolutely love the first line of the two, as well as "Before we whine " at the break. Very powerful image invocation here.
Quote:she takes both thumbs to wipe away
the bubbles while she hums a lullaby.
Today's clothes are strewn across
ceramic tiles; its fabric is a phrase
full of sand, smelling of the sea, and
ketchup-stained. Incarnations picked by her
are folded on the sink. And the guise
of childhood convinces us that
we are the idea.
All very good for me, except the last line. We are the idea? I was hoping for something real. Something solid. Something tangible.
Thanks for posting.
silly me read all the feedback of others first and now i'm tainted; that said i do like the title. in it i see cliche actions as opposed to cliche phrasing, things most kids have gone through. As it is the poem feels somewhat dispassionate where i expected it to be full of warmth and gooey stuff. call her mum or sister something or something else. show us the person behind the bath and hands. i think you have a great base on which to flesh your poem out. doesn't need any drastic edits.
(12-31-2018, 01:57 PM)alexorande Wrote: [ -> ]Bedtime Clichés
Her liver-spotted hands while i see a grans hand i'd like the warmth of knowing it was. for all we know it could be grand dad though you do say 'she' later on i the piece.
run warm water through dry hair,
massaging soap into our scalps
until lather dribbles over wincing eyes. ripe for a simile [over wincing eyes like...]
The fragrance of green apple promises
a new age of creation. Before we whine, this couplet works really well for me, thought the 'we whine' was an excellent sound that fitted the rest of the couplet.
she takes both thumbs to wipe away
the bubbles while she hums a lullaby. no need for [the] and you could change [while she] to [and] thereby removing one of the 'she's'
Today's clothes are strewn across
ceramic tiles; its fabric is a phrase don't get the latter part of the couplet.
full of sand, smelling of the sea, and
ketchup-stained. Incarnations picked by her i think incarnations is trying to hard to be clever
are folded on the sink. And the guise
of childhood convinces us that
we are the idea. last line feels forced as though you just picked any old end line. it needs to be better i think.
Alex, I think you got the explanation of Todd’s comment with this additional crit.
Welcome back, True, fine crit.
Thanks to all who gave feedback. I made some pretty notable compromises, hopefully good compromises, in this edit. With that being said, here's the revision.