Last Independence
Will this be my last Independence Day
of vaunted solitary life
on two feet, two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in its spoke,
then walker-shuffling starts–
lame, nudging ruptured tennis balls?
If science can’t eternalize our youth,
it should at least secure us
unexpected passing in our sleep–
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
for another routine dream
of disappointed father-figures.
Please, not those months of intubated drowning
and dementia which can’t even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.
Hey duke.
Last Independence Day (July 4th, 2018)
Not keen on the title (particularly 'last),
it does too much, I think.
Will this year’s be my final Independence Day
- Don't like the opening sonics ('this year's')
my last of vaunted solitary living
life on two feet or two [pedalled] wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke
or six-point walker-shuffling starts:
two soft shoes
squeaking rubber stoppers
and a pair of ruptured tennis balls?
- It seems a bit overwritten to me.
Just a suggestion:
Is this my last Fourth of July,
my last Day living solitary,
before a cane puts it's spoke in
or six-point walker-shuffling starts?
(probably just me, but it seems to suit
something a bit formal/structured)
If science can’t maintain us young eternally
it should at least learn to ensure
- why is it the responsibility of 'science'?
an unexpected passing in one’s sleep
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
or his boss for ordinary dreams
of disappointed teachers and commanders
(not sure about 'and commanders')
without months of intubated drowning
- excellent line, like how you introduced
a real sense of darkness to the end of this.
and dementia fearing life
- 'fearing' a bit too tell, not show (maybe 'living'?)
which can’t even form a willingness
to end.
- strong finish.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
edit 1;
Last Independence Day
Will this be my last Independence Day
of vaunted solitary life
on two feet, two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke
or walker-shuffling starts:
lame, nudging ruptured tennis balls?
If science can’t eternalize our youth
it should at least learn to ensure
unexpected passing in one’s sleep
mistaking that first meeting
with Saint Peter for a routine dream
of disappointed father-figures
without months of intubated drowning
and dementia which can’t even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.
Thanks, @Knot - good critique. This edit doesn't trim it down as much as you might wish, but streamlines a bit, I hope.
Hey duke,
'shuffling' in the right direction, I think
edit 1;
Last Independence Day
Think you've got to do something
about the title, especially now you're
using/repeating it in the first line.
Will this be my last Independence Day
of vaunted solitary life
- ? 'a or my vaunted'?
on two feet, two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke
- perhaps 'its' for 'a'?
or walker-shuffling starts:
lame, nudging ruptured tennis balls?
- wonder if this is missing a line or two
of N's reaction to this prospect?
If science can’t eternalize our youth
it should at least learn to ensure
- still finding this (the argument) odd.
unexpected passing in one’s sleep
- not sure L3/4 work that well
(grammar, not semantics)
mistaking that first meeting
with Saint Peter for a routine dream
of disappointed father-figures
without months of intubated drowning
and dementia which can’t even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.
- I think the first six lines of this verse
need improving, so that they match the
very strong final lines. Also, I wonder
if switching away from the first person,
in this verse, is a mistake?
Best, Knot.
(07-08-2018, 06:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]Last Independence Day
Will this be my last Independence Day
of vaunted solitary life--I can see why you chose these words, but to me, it doesn't set up strong enough of a contrast with the following descriptions of elderly living to invoke much feeling.
on two feet, two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke--'puts' throws me off
or walker-shuffling starts:
lame, nudging ruptured tennis balls?
If science can’t eternalize our youth(,)
it should at least learn to ensure--would cut 'learn to'
unexpected passing in one’s sleep(,)
mistaking that first meeting
with Saint Peter for a routine dream--my favorite part, these few lines.
of disappointed father-figures
without months of intubated drowning
and dementia which can’t even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.--strong end (literally), in my opinion hindered only by the sentence structure. This whole stanza feels a bit clunky nearing the end, not because of the lines themselves but because of the syntax with which they are arranged; I would consider splitting into two sentences, or
If science can't eternalize our youth,
it should at least learn to ensure
unexpected passing in one's sleep,
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
for a routine dream of disappointed
father-figures, all who went after
months of intubated drowning and dementia
that couldn't even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.
(07-12-2018, 08:55 PM)nozaki Wrote: [ -> ] (07-08-2018, 06:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]Last Independence Day
Will this be my last Independence Day
of vaunted solitary life--I can see why you chose these words, but to me, it doesn't set up strong enough of a contrast with the following descriptions of elderly living to invoke much feeling.
on two feet, two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke--'puts' throws me off
or walker-shuffling starts:
lame, nudging ruptured tennis balls?
If science can’t eternalize our youth(,)
it should at least learn to ensure--would cut 'learn to'
unexpected passing in one’s sleep(,)
mistaking that first meeting
with Saint Peter for a routine dream--my favorite part, these few lines.
of disappointed father-figures
without months of intubated drowning
and dementia which can’t even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.--strong end (literally), in my opinion hindered only by the sentence structure. This whole stanza feels a bit clunky nearing the end, not because of the lines themselves but because of the syntax with which they are arranged; I would consider splitting into two sentences, or
If science can't eternalize our youth,
it should at least learn to ensure
unexpected passing in one's sleep,
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
for a routine dream of disappointed
father-figures, all who went after
months of intubated drowning and dementia
that couldn't even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.
Thanks, good critique. Your rewrite, in particular, brings up an unexpected interpretation
... not a misinterpretation, but one I need to work on squelching.
edit2;
Last Independence
Will this be my last Independence Day
of vaunted solitary life
on two feet, two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in its spoke,
then walker-shuffling starts–
lame, nudging ruptured tennis balls?
If science can’t eternalize our youth,
it should at least secure us
unexpected passing in our sleep–
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
for another routine dream
of disappointed father-figures.
Please, not those months of intubated drowning
and dementia which can’t even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.
Thanks to both critics. In particular, @nozaki for pointing out that point of possible confusion and ways to improve the phrasing, but also @knot for persistence.
quite fond of this now, i think subtly more concise (title as well). only had a few final thoughts for you.
(07-31-2018, 06:47 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]edit2;
Last Independence
Will this be my last Independence Day
of vaunted solitary life
on two feet, two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in its spoke,
then walker-shuffling starts–
lame, nudging ruptured tennis balls?--I admit I am still not a big fan of this stanza, is the mundane images? You must've been going for that feeling, but somehow I am in the mood for theatrics. Still works, however.
If science can’t eternalize our youth,
it should at least secure us--ah, nice. I like the new wording here.
unexpected passing in our sleep–
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
for another routine dream
of disappointed father-figures.
Please, not those months of intubated drowning--might change those to these, but that's just my (very small) opinion. Do you need the please?
and dementia which can’t even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.
Hi duke.
Still not convinced by the title,
and the repetition in the first line
doesn't help. (Why not;
'Will this be my last,
of [a] vaunted solitary life...' ?)
Alternatively, keep L1 and change the title
to 'Last Fourth of July' ?
I think you could cut 'lame', it's implied
(is 'nudging' the right word?)
I agree with nozaki about 'Please',
how about;
'Spare me those months...' ?
Maybe 'an easy' for 'unexpected' (which is
a bit harsh, sonically, amongst all those
esses)
Perhaps cut 'routine'? I like the sonics,
(sleep/meeting/routine/dream)
but does anyone use the phrase 'routine
dream'? (And, again, it is it's implied.)
Personal preference (L8)
'at least it should secure us'
Best, Knot.