Second Edit:
Wednesday Night Drunk
For Gord Downie
If you didn't die yesterday,
my high school memories could have stayed dead.
With each glass I taste
the stale beer on her breath again
and smell her flicked cigarettes.
She wore Canadian flags in her hair,
her lips rougher because of my inexperience.
I had never heard of "Ahead By a Century"
before our first kiss.
I can't even remember what I said
when we broke up,
but that song is like an old friend,
who sounds better with each drink
and is still there when I wake up.
If you didn't die yesterday,
I wouldn't be hung over today.
First Edit:
Wednesday Night Drunk
For Gord Downie
I wouldn't be hung over today
if you didn't die yesterday.
High school memories resurrected
with each glass, until I can taste
the stale beer on her breath again
and smell her flicked cigarettes.
She wore Canadian flags in her hair,
her lips softer because of my inexperience.
I had never heard of "Ahead By a Century"
before our first kiss.
I can't even remember what I said
when we broke up,
but that song is like an old friend,
who sounds better with each drink
and is still there when I wake up.
Original:
Wednesday Night Drunk
For Gord Downie
I wouldn't be hung over today
if he didn't die yesterday.
High school memories are further now:
her breath tasting like stale beer,
also smelled of flicked cigarettes.
She wore Canadian flags in her hair,
her lips seemed smoother
because of my inexperience,
"Ahead by a Century" our narration.
I can't even remember her last name,
but that night the chorus move into my brain,
eager for new neighbors.
I never shook the man's hand,
wasn't even close enough for an autograph,
yet his voice, you, always soothed
like a friend, when needed the most.
The music left behind haunts a country
that mourns him just as much as you.
Where did "she" come from & what relevance does she have to "his" death?
I really like how you lead into the second stanza. It really punches the melancholic opening in further. But when you start talking about a woman & don't provide any relevance or connection to the man you started off with, you lose me.
Then, in the third stanza, you say "his voice, you,..." and I'm reading that as the man you're referencing & the person this is addressed to are the same person. Is that your intention? I haven't googled Gord Downie so, assuming he's famous or at least the subject of your work, I'm providing the perspective of someone who has no idea who you're talking about. I just know that part read a little strange to me.
The last stanza didn't really help clear things up for me. Are there now three people in this poem? Or four? I love the tone you've set here. Its wistful and forlorn. It's just confusing because I have a lot of he, I, you and hers but I don't actually know who is being referenced at any given time & what they contribute to the poem.
Richard
Like naeshelle I know nothing about Downie (other than he died and made the BBC news)
or "Ahead by a Century" (which I googled) so;
Strong opening, though I think you should refer to him as 'you', as in
I wouldn't be hung over today,
if you [hadn't] died yesterday.
The focus should be on how his death affected you.
My first problem is I find it too big a leap from S1 to S2.
You might bridge the gap by suggesting that each glass/bottle consumed
took you further back in time until 'High School memories...'
I don't know what 'are further now' means, 'further from' or 'further away' than what?
I think S2 is very confused, just a suggestion;
[This glass a] high school memory
She tasted like beer and flicked cigarettes,
her lips [softer] because of my inexperience
[wearing] Canadian flags in her hair,
"Ahead by a Century" became our [song]
That night the chorus move[d] into my brain
eager for new neighbours,
and though I can't remember her last name,
[I remember how disappointing her got me down]
'eager for new neighbours' - I think I understand what you're trying to say,
but I don't think this phrase (unless it's another lyric reference) works.
S3 I think sentiment has (understandably) got the better of you here,
perhaps consider trimming;
I never got to shake your hand
or ask for an autograph,
but your voice
was my friend
(And then say why)
S4 doesn't work for me, too clearly an epitaph, and I have no idea who 'you' is.
Keep the focus on the narrator, leave the 'country' to itself.
Condolences, Knot
Hey naeshelle and Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. This one was a struggle, so I appreciate the suggestions. I hope to get around to an edit for this some time later in the week.
Thanks again,
Richard
Hey all,
I made some changes. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.
Thanks in advance,
Richard
Hi Richard,
Some comments for you.
(10-22-2017, 04:37 AM)Richard Wrote: [ -> ]First Edit:
Wednesday Night Drunk
For Gord Downie--while I'm not acquainted with this singer, I do understand the high school moments of connection over music and having that lead somewhere. It does give the poem a universal feel.
I wouldn't be hung over today
if you didn't die yesterday.--Nothing wrong with this opening but I do have an edit suggestion that you can use or ignore (like everything else). What if you moved this idea to the end of the poem and bracketed everything by perhaps making these changes:
If you didn't die yesterday
I wouldn't remember (or something like this)
High school memories resurrected--if you made the above change you could shorten to High school resurected
with each glass, until I can taste
the stale beer on her breath again--This is a good sequence. It plays on the sense aspect of memory and sets the scene.
and smell her flicked cigarettes.
She wore Canadian flags in her hair,--good specific details
her lips softer because of my inexperience.--I've had to think back to first kisses. I would think her lips may feel harder because you tensed a bit due to inexperience and didn't move into the kiss. I'm overthinking I know. Perhaps you keep the same idea and sidestep the only in my mind inconsistency by substituting "because of" with "despite"
I had never heard of "Ahead By a Century"
before our first kiss.
I can't even remember what I said--Nice break leading into the next line.
when we broke up,
but that song is like an old friend,
who sounds better with each drink
and is still there when I wake up.--I like the end sequence.
Here's where I think you do a strophe break and invert your original opening:
If you didn't die yesterday,
I wouldn't be hung over today.
It's got a lot of promise. I hope the comments help.
Best,
Todd
Cutting all of the "he" and "his" made a world of a difference. Especially for the second stanza, which is a lot clearer to me. The original poem was nice but your simple edit elevated it that much more.
Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. You gave me something to think about with the structure, and it's nice to hear this one is heading in the right direction.
Thanks again,
Richard
Hey all,
Todd's suggestions get me thinking, so I made another edit. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.
naeshelle, I apologize that I missed your comments between doing this this edit and last. I have to agree with you that the original lacked clarity. I think it was one of those times when I knew what I meant, but didn't express it well enough because I got caught up in the emotion of the piece.
Thanks again,
Richard
Much stronger intro. I really like the new opening.
Thanks Todd. I think I'm getting close to almost finished with this one.
Thanks again,
Richard