Poetry Forum

My second offering here.  

I know there are few fans of the rhyme here, but I find it fun and challenging.

This ones supposed to be light-hearted.  




Knock, knock.
 
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Why, it’s a beauty of a maiden with perfumed hair.
It’s best we take her in as it’s so cold out there.
Invite her to toast her chilly derriere.
I just might take it from there.
 
Hey there,
Young thing.
I just adore the hand that comes without a ring.
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.
Follow me for dancing where the crickets all sing.
And I just might take it from there.
 
 
I insist you needn’t bother with the tales from your father,
I’m a nice guy.
 
But you are such a cutie that it’s practically my duty,
To beg for a lullaby.
 
What’s up?
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move is a complete checkup.
Deposit all your troubles in this Dixie cup.
And I just might take it from there.

Hey Jack,
I'm pretty much as anti-rhyming as anyone you're going to find, so I'll restrain from commenting on the rhyming. I found that this poem had nice flow to it, and felt like something that needed to be performed. Perhaps it might even be fun to toy around with as a slam poem, but I'm hardly an expert at the type of poetry. I'll go into some more detail below:

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]My second offering here.  

I know there are few fans of the rhyme here, but I find it fun and challenging.

This ones supposed to be light-hearted.  




Knock, knock.
 
Knock, knock.
Who’s there? -The first three lines reminded me of the start of a knock, knock joke. I just wish you would have played with that idea more and added more wording from that type of joke.
Why, it’s a beauty of a maiden with perfumed hair. -Why is her hair perfumed? To me, it seems like a trivial detail. I would suggest dropping "perfumed" from this line.
It’s best we take her in as it’s so cold out there.
Invite her to toast her chilly derriere.
I just might take it from there.
 
Hey there,
Young thing.
I just adore the hand that comes without a ring. -I get what you mean here. It just makes me wonder if her other hand has a ring.
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.
Follow me for dancing where the crickets all sing. -I like the image in this line. I just have no idea what it means.
And I just might take it from there. -This line gets repeated a bit throughout the poem. I feel like you need to add something to this line to give it more punch if it's going to be repeated.
 
 
I insist you needn’t bother with the tales from your father,
I’m a nice guy. -These two lines are my favorite in the poem. They're worded in a way that creates an interesting image.
 
But you are such a cutie that it’s practically my duty,
To beg for a lullaby. -I don't understand why the speaker is begging for a lullaby. May be I'm missing something. It wouldn't be the first time.
 
What’s up?
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move is a complete checkup.
Deposit all your troubles in this Dixie cup. -For some reason, I find this line incredibly dirty. May be that's just my sense of humor showing.  I do like this line, and the whole playing doctor imagery works with the tone of your poem.
And I just might take it from there.

Overall, I think you have a start here. It feels to me like there's more you could say here, and I would be interested to read it.

Keep writing,
Richard

congrats...these are my first poems read on this forum......
it is a cluster of poems....right?

anyway...the childishness is light and appreciated....
I would have found it 'funner' it the meter was more
symmetrical

J4

So, when you start out I'm getting old-timey, Snow White vibes. My mind immediately pictures a cabin in the woods with snow all around it.

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]Knock, knock.
 
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Why, it’s a beauty of a maiden with perfumed hair.

"a beauty of a maiden" feels like an awkward way to say she's a pretty girl. It feels forced, like you're adding syllables to flesh the sentence out & get to the rhyming word.

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]It’s best we take her in as it’s so cold out there.
Invite her to toast her chilly derriere.
I just might take it from there.

You went from "we" to "I" — as a reader, I feel like I'm a fixture in this scene. So why forget about me in that last line?
 

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]Hey there,
Young thing.

I don't know why it seems weird that "Young" is capitalized but it does.

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]I just adore the hand that comes without a ring.
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.

How is she surrendering if her hand doesn't have a ring? Why should I make that assumption?

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]Follow me for dancing where the crickets all sing.

 

I don't know what this means, but I like the imagery!

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]And I just might take it from there.

 
 This is starting to feel like repetition just for the sake of repetition.

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]I insist you needn’t bother with the tales from your father,
I’m a nice guy.

"Tales about your father" would make a bit more sense. Unless you mean her father is passing on a warning to you via his daughter. If so, I didn't get that at all.
 

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]But you are such a cutie that it’s practically my duty,
To beg for a lullaby.

Why? There's a disconnect here — how does he being cute mean you need to ask for a lullaby? I feel like this is a really slick way of asking her to bed, and I like the idea, but the execution is lacking.
 

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]What’s up?
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move is a complete checkup.
Deposit all your troubles in this Dixie cup.
And I just might take it from there.

When did we get back to the 21st century? We went from perfumed hair to Dixie cups. This last stanza is my favorite, especially because it's a nice play on a commonly known pickup line. But what does playing doctor have to do with a Dixie cup?

Overall, I like it. I just think it needs to be tightened up so that it isn't so abstract/makes a bit more sense.

Cheers!
naeshelle

(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: [ -> ]My second offering here.  

I know there are few fans of the rhyme here, but I find it fun and challenging.

This ones supposed to be light-hearted.  




Knock, knock.
 
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Why, it’s a beauty of a maiden with perfumed hair.
It’s best we take her in as it’s so cold out there.
Invite her to toast her chilly derriere.
I just might take it from there.
 
Hey there,
Young thing.
I just adore the hand that comes without a ring.
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.
Follow me for dancing where the crickets all sing.
And I just might take it from there.
 
 
I insist you needn’t bother with the tales from your father,
I’m a nice guy.
 
But you are such a cutie that it’s practically my duty,
To beg for a lullaby.
 
What’s up?
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move is a complete checkup.
Deposit all your troubles in this Dixie cup.
And I just might take it from there.

Not so much the rhymes that bug me but the "gimmick" of the "Knock/Knock" joke. But, ya' know, I'm back reading this for a second day and it's growing on me. I might be tempted to get rid of the knock/knock approach and concentrate more on the fairy tale approach. The combination bugs me b/c you don't have the time to fully develop both.

Just my thoughts....take them or leave them.

I did enjoy the buttercup/Dixie cup images. Cute comes to mind. And that's okay b/c you're not trying to make this poem into something profound.

71degrees

Hi Yjack123.
I've no issues with rhyme,
but for me there are problems with the rhythm of the piece.

The opening is fine, but if the title is 'knock, knock'
then why have it as a first line,
just keep going straight from the title.
Here's some cut 'n' paste suggestions:

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?
Why, it’s [the beautiful] maiden with perfumed hair,
best we take her in as it’s cold out there.
Invite her to [the fire], toast her chilly derrière.
[Now if it's all the same to you]
I [will] take it from there.
I think this should be 'here', not 'there'.

Hey there,
Young thing.
[I couldn't help but notice] your hand without a ring
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.
I don't think this line makes any sense
Follow me for dancing where the crickets all sing.
why? This (dancing) undercuts the final verse
And I just might take it from there.
I like the repetition, but shouldn't it have moved on by here - no longer 'just' but 'will' or whatever?
Also, in the first verse this line rhymed, now it doesn't and there seems to be no reason for that.

I insist you needn’t bother with the tales from your father,
I’m a nice guy.
I don't think these do anything for the piece. Also, their form is entirely different.
But you are such a cutie that it’s practically my duty,
To beg for a lullaby.

What’s up?
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move [my dear] is a complete checkup.
[Here] Deposit all your troubles in this [missing two syllables] Dixie cup.
And I just might take it from there.


Hope there's something you can use.


Best, Knot.