In the Cottonwoods
In Cottonwoods the bluebirds sing
like all the world’s beneath their wings
with throats that won’t be choked with fear,
che-cheek my dear, che-cheek my dear,
I know you must be listening.
A moment’s silence for the king
who chirps, this is the prudent thing—
a vaccine for the atmosphere
and the Cottonwoods.
Its necessary evil stings
our every grandson’s neck, and brings
a swelling to the inner ear
that damps the last che-cheek my dear,
and tags the lofty bluebirds’ wings
in the Cottonwoods.
This looks like a form I've read in practice, and it reads very well. I dig the che-cheeks throughout. Why grandsons? And vaccine seems too scientific for the rest. By swelling to the inner ear, should I be dizzy?
(08-02-2017, 07:11 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]In the Cottonwoods
In Cottonwoods the bluebirds sing
like all the world’s beneath their wings - I don't know if I like the sing/wing rhyme. I already know bluebirds have wings, tell me more about their voices. The rest of the stanza is about their voices, I think you should stick to that theme.
with throats that won’t be choked with fear,
che-cheek my dear, che-cheek my dear,
I know you must be listening.
A moment’s silence for the king
who chirps, this is the only thing—
a vaccine for the atmosphere
and the Cottonwoods. - I don't like the king. I think that's what you're going for so I like this part a lot. This stanza breaks the poem in half, exactly how the king comes in with his chirp. It is demanded to be heard whether the audience wants it or not.
Its necessary evil stings - Necessary evil makes me think there should be a reason for the "vaccine", but you do not expound on that, unless I am missing something.
our every grandson’s neck, and brings
a swelling to the inner ear
that damps the last che-cheek my dear,
and tags the lofty bluebirds’ wings
in the Cottonwoods.
Your poem makes me long for childhood. I like it a lot and I'd like to see the Cottonwoods when the bluebirds are singing.
(08-02-2017, 07:11 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]In the Cottonwoods
In Cottonwoods the bluebirds sing
like all the world’s beneath their wings
with throats that won’t be choked with fear,
che-cheek my dear, che-cheek my dear,
I know you must be listening.
A moment’s silence for the king
who chirps, this is the only thing—
a vaccine for the atmosphere
and the Cottonwoods.
Its necessary evil stings
our every grandson’s neck, and brings
a swelling to the inner ear
that damps the last che-cheek my dear,
and tags the lofty bluebirds’ wings
in the Cottonwoods.
Was very intrigued by the poem. The contrast between the ideation of whiteness that comes from the concept of a cottontree (one immediately thinks of this sharp and blank color) with the actual color of the same tree is an interesting relief to the observations of the poet. One wonders if the poet was watching humans or at least human behavior and replacing his observations of them with the mysteries of the science of ornithology; or had the poet, somewhat like Audobon who came before, made close and detailed drawings of bluebirds in any kind of tree---it need not be cottonwood. The poem is very refreshing and cathartic.
First off, I have to admit I'm not entirely sure what this poem is about. Not a criticism, just my own ignorance. I'm taking a stab and thinking maybe some sort of insecticide that is sprayed, a "necessary evil," but harms the birds?
If this is true, I like it. It's a nice contrast between the carefree and melodic nature of a songbird and humanity's struggle with "necessity."
I suppose the king could be any powerful human; the vaccine could be any necessity that considers utility over beauty. Could be way off though.