Poetry Forum

(07-26-2017, 03:42 AM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]Hunger brings us back.
Chewing is the way 
of the night flesh.
Worms teach us 
that the mouth
is not for words.
No one sleeps 
the long night.
When we eat your brains, 
we can remember
the sunrise and who
we were. Like you, 
we always want
to look back.

(07-26-2017, 11:39 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]This is very effective - sympathy engendered by a thoughtful buildup.

Structurally, the first part (before "[W]hen we eat")  consists of short (staggering?) lines reminiscent of the zombie gait.  The second part is grammatically more complex, establishing the sympathetic connection with the reader.  Has the speaker just dined, to be able to assemble it?

Suggestions for improvement are few.   Using a simple rule of thumb (as, with zombies, "Fire works!"),  instances of "the" could be removed without loss of clarity (though they do help the first part shamble).  The only ones that have to remain are "No one sleeps/the long night" and Line 2, though substituting "our" or the like could eliminate one.

Placing "we were. Like you," on one line is well done.

The speaker of course mischaracterizes the (conventionally) living, who look forward.  This is our tragedy; perhaps that could be alluded to, though it's a complex thought for the speaker.  Their virus leaves the undead only the past (and not their own), if that, and their hunger.  Their tragedy is that they can't even thank us for burning them to ash.

Political metaphors come to mind, but are not called for.  ("Swamp Thing" would be more like it    .)

In short, it's moving and could be made slightly more so.  Good read!

(07-26-2017, 03:42 AM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]Hunger brings us back.
Chewing is the way 
of the night flesh.
Worms teach us 
that the mouth
is not for words. Lines in italics could be compressed: "the night flesh" makes "the long night" seem repetitious, even when the latter holds more meaning; and "Worms teach us / that the mouth" interrupts the packed nature of the rest of this section's lines, their most meaningful terms isolated at single ends.
No one sleeps 
the long night.
When we eat your brains, 
we can remember Perhaps remove "can"?
the sunrise and who "and who" emphasizes "who", which only adds a meaningless rhyme. Better to remove "and", then move "who" to the next lines.
we were. Like you, 
we always want
to look back. The goal may be to make zombies more worthy of empathy, but the whole just runs a little cliche, especially as everything else delivers with visceral action. A suggestion is something more palpable, like contrast: "Unlike you, / we look back." That may change the meaning a bit, but I think the previous' lines emphasis on memories of twilight suggest the desire enough.

Overall, strong. 

(07-26-2017, 03:42 AM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]Hunger brings us back. -- I think you can do more with the verb than "brings." It's a little meh. It's bland. Drags?  Pulls? Just something stronger, is all. 
Chewing is the way 
of the night flesh. -- like these last two lines. I like the W's: chewing, way, worms.
Worms teach us -- wouldn't it be taught, if they've been resurrected then they're not in the ground anymore....?
that the mouth
is not for words. -- stanza break here?
No one sleeps 
the long night. -- "long" is also a bit weak, but I understand that it's a phrase, 'the long night,' so I'm torn about it.
When we eat your brains, 
we can remember
the sunrise and who -- not sold on the sunrise bit, if only because I would personally ban sunrises from all poetry ever. It's a bit overdone. It doesn't feel cliche here, but I don't know who longs for a sunrise. Maybe they do....I long for a juicy New York Strip. I'd choose something more carnal and basic like attachment, work, food, drink, sex, etc. Although, sunrise is far better than sunset, I must say.
we were. Like you, 
we always want -- this is the best bit for me: "Like you, we always want." I'd consider setting the last line ("to look back") on its own to make this line break really pop -- we all want want to look back, but we also just want. It's the craving of the zombies that we truly identify with.
to look back. -- I like that it's a metaphorical looking back over our lives and wanting things that once were, as well as an "OMG, I'm being chased by flesh eating zombies!"