Edit 1:
Dear Patient, Welcome to the asylum of your mind.
Let’s get rid of the boundaries to which you’re confined.
Let’s sit down and discuss your medical record:
Schizophrenic disorders, Anxiety, hemorrhages,
all documented in one-hundred-and-forty-nine pages.
There are some treatments we haven’t explored.
Do you feel like you’re in constant company?
People told me about your constant soliloquy.
Do you feel that someone’s around you, spectating?
The voices: are they advising or debating?
Is it more like a monologue or is it a dialogue?
To who is it that you do constantly talk?
Son, Why won’t you leave the dead behind?
Within the asylum of your mind?
----
Original:
Dear patient, welcome to the asylum of your mind.
Let’s rid you of those boundaries to which you’re confined.
But first, please sit down and let’s discuss your medical record.
Let’s see: Schizophrenic disorders, Anxiety and hemorrhages,
all documented in one-hundred-and-forty-nine pages.
There are so many treatments we haven’t yet explored.
Here it says that you feel like you’re in constant company,
the medical staff did tell me about your constant soliloquy.
May i ask, do you feel a presence around you, spectating?
And regarding those voices you hear; do they advise or are they debating?
When was it that you turned your monologue into dialogue?
Is it to your sister, or your parents to who you constantly talk?
Son, why won’t you leave the dead behind?
Within the asylum of your mind?
Hi four eyed cat, okay now I am going to be really honest. This poem screams creepazoid. I mean the persona of the four-eyed cat alone is enough to make me take three steps back, off a porch, into some pit that never ends, falling, falling and landing on Dr. Crazies island of bad science experiments where four-eyed cats are stretching on sills. I'm giggling. This piece of work is rich in weirdness and borderline maddening, but then strangely healing? "Always stay true to self" I always say, "remember who you are", should be my new motto (mantras scare me). Thankfully this is in mild critique because if it were in intensive, I may need care. Kudos on the wonder-filled write.
Dear patient, welcome to the asylum of your mind.
Let’s rid you of those boundaries to which you’re confined.
But first, please sit down and let’s discuss your medical record.
Let’s see: Schizophrenic disorders, Anxiety and hemorrhages, ~please tell me this is not Dr. No!
all documented in one-hundred-and-forty-nine pages.
There are so many treatments we haven’t yet explored. ~aint that the truth any sane person would run off screaming like
a mad man
Here it says that you feel like you’re in constant company,
the medical staff did tell me about your constant soliloquy. ~ in my new age, I had to look up soliloquy only to realize I actually
May i ask, do you feel a presence around you, spectating? knew the word, just forgot, I guess I had ignored it too long, hadn't
And regarding those voices you hear; do they advise or are they debating? used it enough, shoved it in a corner, thank you, fits nicely here
When was it that you turned your monologue into dialogue?
Is it to your sister, or your parents to who you constantly talk?
Son, why won’t you leave the dead behind? ~revealing
Within the asylum of your mind?
Thanks four-eyed cat. the poem really reveals what happens to our minds sometimes when someone we love departs. I always wondered why the Scripture says "sting of death, where is thy victory?", I mean I know it means the Resurrection and that will be a beautiful day, but there really IS a sting and it's like sometimes you can't get the stinger out. Best wishes and congrats on a wonderful rollercoaster poem, made me laugh, cry.
janine
Hi Janine!
I'm more than delighted to hear that my poem has sparked such emotions within you, I feel proud!
regarding the "sting of deat, where is thy victory", i always regarded it as a cynical statement of sorts - What does death (death being personified) gain from someone's passing?
Once again, thank you for the kind words!
Yes, that portion implies personification. Death can certainly take on many forms in poetry. I am thinking in that portion Death is represented as a separation from God, "where is thy victory?" in that believers are joined with God into life everlasting ("to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord"). I guess I look at death differently. I don't know why I allow it to be a sting, really. I guess I just miss the person who has gone on and that feels like a sting. I actually see death as an entry to real living, leaving this place called Earth where we only pass through, like a vapor. Once I leave this earthsuit, I step into REAL life. Where no sin is, no pain, no hurt, no war, no sadness. There shouldn't be a sting of death for me, but because I miss someone terribly, it feels like a sting. I've been stung and it lasts, lingers, then healing comes...hopefully. I'm saying too much. Wonderful, thought provoking, emotional write. Thanks again!
hi cat.
you almost have a sonnet at work though the meter needs some tender love if that was the aim. i do think you could cut it down to iambic pentameter without much trouble should you wish. personally i'd liked to see it have more punch and less verbiage. i've shown a couple of lines where words are removed [nothing added] to give you some idea of what i'm saying. if needed change out a big word for a shorter one. my last point, is it the therapists son? the last line indicates it to be. i know it's supposed to be the interaction between doc and patient and as it is the reader does see that's so. i think that's the main prob for me, it's too much like an inerview than a poem about an interview.
(06-27-2017, 12:43 AM)The Four-Eyed Cat Wrote: [ -> ]Dear patient, welcome to the asylum of your mind. is [of your mind] too obvious, can it be removed and by doing so would it strengthen that first line?
Let’s rid you of those boundaries to which you’re confined.
But first, please sit down and let’s discuss your medical record.
Let’s see: Schizophrenic disorders, Anxiety and hemorrhages,
all documented in one-hundred-and-forty-nine pages.
There are so many treatments we haven’t yet explored.
Here it says that you feel like you’re in constant company,
the medical staff did tell me about your constant soliloquy.
May i ask, do you feel a presence around you, spectating?
And regarding those voices you hear; do they advise or are they debating?
When was it that you turned your monologue into dialogue?
Is it to your sister, or your parents to who you constantly talk?
Son, why won’t you leave the dead behind?
Within the asylum of your mind?
Hi Billy!
Thank you for the feedback. I'll try to do my best in cutting it down to iambic pentameter (I still have to read up on it, as i only have a faint idea)
Regarding the son - If the therapist is the father, then the father is dead. I wanted to play on this, that the entire interview is just a
delirium of sorts. Eventually i just liked the ring of the amicably saying 'son', (like a police officer does every now and then to someone younger).
I'm not sure if i've done a right job on the adhering the meter, but here is the first edit:
Dear Patient, Welcome to the asylum of your mind.
Let’s get rid of the boundaries to which you’re confined.
Let’s sit down and discuss your medical record.
Schizophrenic disorders, Anxiety and hemorrhages,
all documented in one-hundred-and-forty-nine pages.
There are treatments we haven’t explored.
Do you feel like you’re in constant company?
People did tell me about your constant soliloquy.
Do you feel someone around you, spectating?
The voices: are they advising, are they debating?
Is it more like a monologue or is it a dialogue?
To who is it that you do constantly talk?
Son, Why won’t you leave the dead behind?
Within the asylum of your mind?
A few ideas to consider:
(06-29-2017, 10:57 PM)The Four-Eyed Cat Wrote: [ -> ]I'm not sure if i've done a right job on the adhering the meter, but here is the first edit:
Dear Patient, Welcome to the asylum of your mind.
Let’s get rid of the boundaries to which you’re confined.
Let’s sit down and discuss your medical record. Maybe a colon here before the list.
Schizophrenic disorders, Anxiety and hemorrhages, You might exchange "and" for a comma and end on a semicolon.
all documented in one-hundred-and-forty-nine pages. You could exchange "in" for a comma and go a hundred and fortynine pages, that just sounds better to me.
There are treatments we haven’t explored. This line is short and if intentional I would think the line length would be repeated in S2.
Do you feel like you’re in constant company?
People did tell me about your constant soliloquy. "Did" is awkward.
Do you feel someone around you, spectating? I say SOMEone and it makes a bump.
The voices: are they advising, are they debating? Possibly another act instead of the second "are they".
Is it more like a monologue or is it a dialogue?
To who is it that you do constantly talk? "Do" is a little awkward.
Son, Why won’t you leave the dead behind?
Within the asylum of your mind?
I'm no grammar or meter expert and shift things around frequently in my own work until I'm satisfied so don't take my notes as right/wrong, just some thoughts. I hope they help, or outrage another member so much that they step in, or at least confuse you enough to figure it out on your own.
These are actually some very solid suggestions. Regarding the repetition of 'are they', i thought it would add to the someone inquisitive/prying nature of shrinks. Thank you!
Edit: I've applied some minor changes
(06-29-2017, 11:28 PM)The Four-Eyed Cat Wrote: [ -> ]These are actually some very solid suggestions. Regarding the repetition of 'are they', i thought it would add to the someone inquisitive/prying nature of shrinks. Thank you!
Both are and they are soft stresses, I thought the line got away with it once but not twice.