Poetry Forum

(12-04-2016, 01:07 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]Armistice Wind


On Friday last, an hour before  
the sun reached its meridian
I waited indoors for the sound "waited" kept tripping me up, only a little, but it feels squeezed in somehow.  And then "sound" is actually a soundless word, I would like something stronger to describe the voice of the guns.  Even something like "thunder" which gives a reverse metaphor as the rest of the poem compares the storm to the sound of guns and war. But really just something noisier would be nice.  
of guns.

Policemen shoot them on this day
each year in my town’s graveyard, blanks
to symbolize an armistice ~
not peace.

I didn’t hear them, only acorns’ personal opinion, but I feel it spoils the end to tell us now that the narrator never heard the guns at all.  I would love to experience the waiting and to listen alongside him through all the noise and have the final epiphany together.
rattle like spent bullets on
hunched helmets as they struck my roof and I just love how throughout you meld the nature sounds with the war images they are mimicking.
and rolled.

Between, wind stirred dead leaves and limbs
to rustle, flutter, softly thunder,
warning ghost of distant drumfire LOVE drumfire. Love this whole stanza.
waking.

Then louder, rushing past, that breeze breeze seems too gentle for the sounds you are describing.  Breezes generally gently waft, they brush the hair into your eyes.  Something stronger is needed to be so forceful and loud.  gust, gale, blast, tempest ...?
blew high demanding pan-pipe notes ~ something is off in the punctuation here, but I can't put my finger on it.  Commas are the bane of my existence, but the wrong words are sticking together, so something is needed somewhere. Perhaps after "high"??
trench whistles calling men to rise
and fall.

So Friday last I never heard
those guns proclaiming armistice ~
some wind had carried their reports
away.

Metric  variations in S3&4 are intentional, but open to criticism.

Seasonal, from last month.

(12-04-2016, 01:07 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]On Friday last, an hour before Last Friday?
the sun reached its meridian Before noon. Is there any specific significance to meridian? A reference to any treaties? If none, it's awkward.
I listened indoors for the crash
of guns.

Policemen shoot them on this day I don't think "on this day" is necessary -- "every year" should be enough.
each year in my town’s graveyard, blanks
to symbolize an armistice ~ I find the tension here a little false, since the armistice did mean peace. Perhaps an armistice does not typically mean a lasting peace, but in this context, it did --- well, that's excluding World War II, but that particular piece of commentary I don't think is here discussed.
not peace.

At first no shots, just acorns falling
rattled like spent bullets on 
hunched helmets as they struck my roof
and rolled. I find the construction of this whole stanza particularly awkward, not because of the change in the first line (in fact, I think you could bend the meter a greater deal), but because this sentence is a fragment. It communicates, sure, but not -harmoniously.

Between, wind stirred dead leaves and limbs Between what?
to rustle, flutter, softly thunder,
warning ghost of distant drumfire
waking.

Then louder, rushing past, that gale
blew shrill, demanding pan-pipe notes ~ Besides exceeding its usual purpose, the tildes here are just too loopy -- instead of suspense, I get playfulness. Better here a colon or an em dash (in fact, I read this as having the potential to go wild with em dashes, but better not), earlier a comma, and later a period or semicolon.
trench-whistles calling men to rise
and fall.

So Friday last I never heard So last Friday? Again, awkward.
those guns proclaiming armistice ~
some wind had carried their reports
away.
Otherwise, fair enough.

(12-13-2016, 10:34 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: [ -> ]Change in meter question...


[quote='dukealien' pid='221425' dateline='1480781232']
...
I guess my question is why the meter change?  I don't want to misinterpret your intentions, the edits you've made really enhanced the piece, but I think you mentioned it in a spoiler and I'm curious.

(12-04-2016, 01:07 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]Armistice Wind


On Friday last, an hour before (in contrast to previous remark, I love this word order and how it reads with l2)
the sun reached its meridian (comma? Full stop? Unsure how you read this but visually on paper I felt some punc needed)
I listened indoors for the crash
of guns.

Policemen shoot them on this day
each year in my town’s graveyard, blanks
to symbolize an armistice ~
not peace. 
Can you do better than the opening statement/2 lines of this stanza? 
As mentioned, I do like this as is, but this part is pretty simple/lazy going compared to the rest? You throw strong language at the reader with crash of guns, then use a really weak word: "them" referring to guns that are already in the reader's mind/understanding. Anything more descriptive here and reader still knows you are talking about the aforementioned guns, but you can enforce the progression of the poem rather than stay stuck at the end of first stanza.
Maybe something more descriptive, more visual, more forceful: "Policemen fire, enforce this day" - "Policemen shoot to mark this day". 
Brief ill thought out examples, but sure you get my idea.   

At first no shots, just acorns falling
rattled like spent bullets on change a weak "like" with a stronger word?
hunched helmets as they struck my roof
and rolled.
Love the sounds and read-aloud quality- from "acorns falling" to rolled is great! So nice off the tongue, and on paper.
Though the chronology now raises questions- clear enough to me being honest, but to hit home to wider audience it's nice to be progressive rather than going back to "at first". 
I'm not sure if pushing the "policemen shoot them on this day" then to "at first no shots" is as progressive as you could be?

Between, wind stirred dead leaves and limbs
to rustle, flutter, softly thunder, Make these two lines smoother? Did like them as is, though, initially. Think you could make better, "to rustle" is odd use of language to me especially with"to" in L2. 
Not sure if you could link this together without losing your projected meaning. Cutting "dead" and changing "to" to "do" is better for me: Between, the wind stirred leaves and limbs // do rustle, flutter, softly thunder". Between is the only other word I'd consider in line with the rest of the poem. Potentially could personify the acorns...
warning ghost of distant drumfire should leaves and limbs mean pluralising ghost to ghosts? Which if taken into account might give you an opp for an adjective before waking or even actually a couple of words before, or a rhyme with thunder after?
waking.

Then louder, rushing past, that gale 
blew shrill, demanding pan-pipe notes ~
trench-whistles calling men to rise
and fall.
First two lines are awesome! Maybe look at the v.liberal use of tenses here? "Then" "rushing" "that" "blew" "demading" "calling""and fall". Not sure if a firmer grasp of this will help, or hinder. 


So Friday last I never heard
those guns proclaiming armistice ~
some wind had carried their reports "some" and "their" could be looked at.
away.

Hope something there helps. As mentioned,  I did enjoy the read.

On Friday last, an hour before
the sun reached its meridian
I waited indoors for the sound
of guns.

Policemen shoot them on this day
each year in my town’s graveyard, blanks
to symbolize an armistice ~
not peace.

I didn’t hear them, only acorns’
rattle like spent bullets on
hunched helmets as they struck my roof
and rolled.

Between, wind stirred dead leaves and limbs
to rustle, flutter, softly thunder,
warning ghost of distant drumfire
waking.

Then louder, rushing past, that breeze
blew high demanding pan-pipe notes ~
trench whistles calling men to rise
and fall.

So Friday last I never heard
those guns proclaiming armistice ~
some wind had carried their reports
away.

Metric  variations in S3&4 are intentional, but open to criticism.

Seasonal, from last month.

(12-10-2016, 02:14 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]@Quixilated - Thanks for the excellent critique.  I've addressed each of your valuable criticisms in the edit.

BTW, for those unfamiliar with the term, "drumfire" is a real thing.  Before precision munitions, to reliably damage a target it was necessary to fire many rounds from many tubes as rapidly as possible for a period of time.  When frequency of shots and impacts reached that of a drumroll, "drumfire" resulted (also a point at which some men become insane from the sound).  When the sounds all merge together, a preferred term is "hurricane bombardment" which is conducive to shock and apathy...  from what I've read.

Edit1

Armistice Wind


On Friday last, an hour before
the sun reached its meridian
I listened indoors for the crash
of guns.

Policemen shoot them on this day
each year in my town’s graveyard, blanks
to symbolize an armistice ~
not peace.

At first no shots, just acorns falling
rattled like spent bullets on
hunched helmets as they struck my roof
and rolled.

Between, wind stirred dead leaves and limbs
to rustle, flutter, softly thunder,
warning ghost of distant drumfire
waking.

Then louder, rushing past, that gale
blew shrill, demanding pan-pipe notes ~
trench-whistles calling men to rise
and fall.

So Friday last I never heard
those guns proclaiming armistice ~
some wind had carried their reports
away.

(12-14-2016, 01:35 AM)dukealien Wrote: [ -> ]@RiverNotch - Your critique is particularly valued, though the edit complies with its recommendations the least.  They lead in the direction of a better poem, but I'm caught up in the story and how I set about telling it.  If I were a better poet, I could do both!

Though ponderously expressed, the bit about the meridian is to indicate the hour of 11:00am at which the llistening vigil commenced.  This is a reference to the Great War's armistice, which took effect on the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour, eleventh day of the eleventh monnth.  Itself, perhaps, a labored attempt by the negotiators to express their sense that this was the very last (eleventh hour) opportunity to save some kind of civilization from a dark age or mere anarchy.  Similarly, "Friday last" is an archaic expression which was current in the early 20th century.  Aside from that, it helps out with the meter and Armisitice Day did happen to be a Friday this year.  But, as this all requires explanation, it does constitute a stumble and criticism is warranted.

edit2;

Armistice Wind


On Friday last, an hour before
the sun reached its meridian The context above makes me appreciate this a good deal more. "the sun reached its meridian" still reads particularly belabored, but not too bad, and it's in the service of a meter that is justified. The softness of the whole thing, enhanced by the meter, is a thing I neglected to mention, though I definitely felt it....
I listened indoors for the crash
of guns.

Police shoot volleys on this day
each year in my town’s graveyard, blanks
to symbolize an armistice - ....just as I felt what the speaker meant in separating armistice from peace, beyond any semantic tensions or specific references. I guess I'm now fine with the piece not treating that bit of history with as much care.
not peace.

Little heard, just acorns falling
rattled like spent bullets on
hunched helmets as they struck my roof
and rolled. The image is there, just as it was before, but the fragmentary nature of the stanza still bothers, and "like spent bullets on / hunched helmets" still reads misplaced.

An east wind stirred dead leaves and limbs
to rustle, flutter, softly thunder,
warning ghost of distant drumfire
waking. But the removal of "between" here is an improvement, and "warning ghost of distant drumfire" remains well appreciated.

Then louder, rushing past, that gale
blew shrill, demanding pan-pipe notes -
trench-whistles calling men to rise
and fall.

So Friday last I never heard
those guns proclaiming armistice:
wind must have carried their reports
away.
Lovelier, though, as noted, the third still bothers, and the first being a bit too much is still noticeable. The third really needs some restructuring -- I would suggest something more radical, like smushing 1 and 3 together, but I realize that would be too much for this piece. 

Quote:Police shoot volleys on this day
each year in my town’s graveyard, blanks
to symbolize an armistice - ....just as I felt what the speaker meant in separating armistice from peace, beyond any semantic tensions or specific references. I guess I'm now fine with the piece not treating that bit of history with as much care.
not peace.