Poetry Forum

Nightmares and the Safety of Sunlight

I am still burned and fearing the flame that nearly torched my existence. 




But who are you again, dear? 

(10-03-2016, 10:05 AM)Cadence_CS Wrote: [ -> ]Nightmares and the Safety of Sunlight

I am still burned and fearing the flame that nearly torched my existence. ----------- > As a reader "still" takes me back two steps, making it somewhat daunting. I think you could enhance this line by removing it.

She is like fire in the soul and you go back to heat your hands every time my winter skin gets to be too much. ---------> "to be" is wordy and awkward and the shift between the first and second person doesn't help. 

Sipping her in like cocoa, mumbling through chattering lips how you hate these icy months. -------> Sipping her is even you may consider dropping  "in"

But who are you again, dear? 

You look like you and sound like you, but what has become of your heart? -------> this line has a "big bad wolf" undertone

Surely this dream has compared you to another past work of art. ------> When I read this line a song goes off in my head. But when I read it omitting surely I don't have the problem.

An ex lover with wondering green eyes, swinging ways, and a broken smile I believed every time. ----> juxtaposition and punctuation come to mind; this line is a bit wordy too.

These dreams have a funny way of making me miserable, 

taunting me to relive every heartbreak 

and painting your beautiful face on the sins of thieves. 

Cadence,

I'm not sure how the title relates to the poem or where the "safety of sunrise" comes into play, but the theme is clear. I like the poem and think that you have a good piece to work with, and I hope my insights help during revision.

Good work.

Luna

Hi Cadence,

Welcome to the site! 

What drew me in mostly was your excellent title.

Let me give you some comments below.

(10-03-2016, 10:05 AM)Cadence_CS Wrote: [ -> ]Nightmares and the Safety of Sunlight

I am still burned and fearing the flame that nearly torched my existence. --There are a few too many fire references in the opening line for my taste. The repetition doesn't seem to make the line stronger. It instead tends to weigh it down. I also wonder when I consider the title, this doesn't have a nightmare sense to it. The sunlight is actually the part of the title that I would equate with fire. If I made that connection then I might say that the flame that the speaker fears is the revelation that comes when the illusions of night are burned away in the morning. I don't think that's entirely your intent here, though.

She is like fire in the soul and you go back to heat your hands every time my winter skin gets to be too much. --The warming the hands, the winter skin parts are all good. I wonder though if you could make this less static. She is... Byron for instance had "She walks in beauty, like the night." Is there something the she of this poem could do or a way she could act that drives us from just the flat sense of her existence?

Sipping her in like cocoa, mumbling through chattering lips how you hate these icy months. --I like the imagery of the first phrase. There are moments where less is more would help you.  The first phrase is great. The second two phrases less so in my opinion.

But who are you again, dear? 

You look like you and sound like you, but what has become of your heart? 

Surely this dream has compared you to another past work of art. 

An ex lover with wondering green eyes, swinging ways, and a broken smile I believed every time. 

These dreams have a funny way of making me miserable, 

taunting me to relive every heartbreak --Everything from "But who are you... to here" feels like it loses its way. This has gotten more introspective and has lost its sipping cocoa imagery. 

and painting your beautiful face on the sins of thieves. --I don't really understand sins of thieves in the context but beautiful face is a shorthand throwaway phrase.

So, great title. Interesting enough to read. I'd consider going further with your imagery. I don't want to go to over the top with my comments in novice so I'll leave it at that. I hope some of this is helpful in some way.

Best,

Todd

(10-04-2016, 04:39 AM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Cadence,

Welcome to the site! 

What drew me in mostly was your excellent title.

Let me give you some comments below.

(10-03-2016, 10:05 AM)Cadence_CS Wrote: [ -> ]Nightmares and the Safety of Sunlight

I am still burned and fearing the flame that nearly torched my existence. --There are a few too many fire references in the opening line for my taste. The repetition doesn't seem to make the line stronger. It instead tends to weigh it down. I also wonder when I consider the title, this doesn't have a nightmare sense to it. The sunlight is actually the part of the title that I would equate with fire. If I made that connection then I might say that the flame that the speaker fears is the revelation that comes when the illusions of night are burned away in the morning. I don't think that's entirely your intent here, though.

She is like fire in the soul and you go back to heat your hands every time my winter skin gets to be too much. --The warming the hands, the winter skin parts are all good. I wonder though if you could make this less static. She is... Byron for instance had "She walks in beauty, like the night." Is there something the she of this poem could do or a way she could act that drives us from just the flat sense of her existence?

Sipping her in like cocoa, mumbling through chattering lips how you hate these icy months. --I like the imagery of the first phrase. There are moments where less is more would help you.  The first phrase is great. The second two phrases less so in my opinion.

But who are you again, dear? 

You look like you and sound like you, but what has become of your heart? 

Surely this dream has compared you to another past work of art. 

An ex lover with wondering green eyes, swinging ways, and a broken smile I believed every time. 

These dreams have a funny way of making me miserable, 

taunting me to relive every heartbreak --Everything from "But who are you... to here" feels like it loses its way. This has gotten more introspective and has lost its sipping cocoa imagery. 

and painting your beautiful face on the sins of thieves. --I don't really understand sins of thieves in the context but beautiful face is a shorthand throwaway phrase.

So, great title. Interesting enough to read. I'd consider going further with your imagery. I don't want to go to over the top with my comments in novice so I'll leave it at that. I hope some of this is helpful in some way.

Best,

Todd

Hello Todd! 
Thank you for the welcome and the advise!
The poem is about a nightmare I had where I was reliving something painful. It was a relief to wake up from this dream and find everything back to normal. My title was just a reference to the feeling of safety when waking from an unsettling dream. I have too much fun with my titles and I realize it's vague and may not relate to the poem as much as I thought. I see where there are a few parts that would be better if I shortened them. 
Thank you, again, for analyzing my poem! I will need to change a few things for sure. I put it on novice because it is my first post and I'm a bit nervous about criticism. Haha.

---

(10-03-2016, 10:47 PM)LunaDeLore Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-03-2016, 10:05 AM)Cadence_CS Wrote: [ -> ]Nightmares and the Safety of Sunlight

I am still burned and fearing the flame that nearly torched my existence. ----------- > As a reader "still" takes me back two steps, making it somewhat daunting. I think you could enhance this line by removing it.

She is like fire in the soul and you go back to heat your hands every time my winter skin gets to be too much. ---------> "to be" is wordy and awkward and the shift between the first and second person doesn't help. 

Sipping her in like cocoa, mumbling through chattering lips how you hate these icy months. -------> Sipping her is even you may consider dropping  "in"

But who are you again, dear? 

You look like you and sound like you, but what has become of your heart? -------> this line has a "big bad wolf" undertone

Surely this dream has compared you to another past work of art. ------> When I read this line a song goes off in my head. But when I read it omitting surely I don't have the problem.

An ex lover with wondering green eyes, swinging ways, and a broken smile I believed every time. ----> juxtaposition and punctuation come to mind; this line is a bit wordy too.

These dreams have a funny way of making me miserable, 

taunting me to relive every heartbreak 

and painting your beautiful face on the sins of thieves. 

Cadence,

I'm not sure how the title relates to the poem or where the "safety of sunrise" comes into play, but the theme is clear. I like the poem and think that you have a good piece to work with, and I hope my insights help during revision.

Good work.

Luna

Hi Luna! 
Thank you for the advise. Now that you have pointed it out I agree that there are some words I could do without! Some of the lines sound better in my head than they do out loud and your suggestions do make it run smoother. My poem title was about a nightmare I had where I was reliving something painful and when I woke up I was relieved and no longer felt empty. I do get carried away with my titles. Also, the Big Bad Wolf line..I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. I never thought of it that way, but I love Fairy Tales. Especially their darker origins.  

Cadence

(10-03-2016, 10:05 AM)Cadence_CS Wrote: [ -> ]Nightmares and the Safety of Sunlight

I am still burned and fearing the flame that nearly torched my existence. 

She is like fire in the soul and you go back to heat your hands every time my winter skin gets to be too much. 

Sipping her in like cocoa, mumbling through chattering lips how you hate these icy months. 

But who are you again, dear? 

You look like you and sound like you, but what has become of your heart? 

Surely this dream has compared you to another past work of art. 

An ex lover with wondering green eyes, swinging ways, and a broken smile I believed every time. 

These dreams have a funny way of making me miserable, 

taunting me to relive every heartbreak 

and painting your beautiful face on the sins of thieves. 

Without reading other critiques already posted...

This is quite nice, avoiding many traps and tropes of newer members.  Stream of consciousness, sometimes addressing another person, other times the reader or self.  Double spacing adds to the dream-like ambience with its pauses... could it be single-spaced when addressing a person (stanza 2)?

As I read, I stumble in a few places.  Mostly, they could perhaps be smoothed by cutting and modifying words (though if you intend a halting, uncertain voice they help with that).  For example, L1 might change to "I'm still burned and feel the flame..."

A minor problem:  in L3, teeth chatter, not lips:  lips get numb, blue, chapped; they could shiver or quiver, though.

Gentle cliche alert on the first line of stanza 3, "have a funny way" - also more informal than the rest of the poem.  Perhaps "These dreams cause me [adjective] misery," or the like (please pardon the rewrite).

Having already sinned twice, I won't rewrite the last line but suggest "paint" rather than "painting" and a shorter adjective than "beautiful" for your consideration.  The thought in this line is excellent and arresting, it needs a fitting cadence for punch.

A good read - thank you!

(10-03-2016, 10:05 AM)Cadence_CS Wrote: [ -> ]Nightmares and the Safety of Sunlight

I am still burned and fearing the flame that nearly torched my existence. 

She is like fire in the soul and you go back to heat your hands every time my winter skin gets to be too much. 

Sipping her in like cocoa, mumbling through chattering lips how you hate these icy months. 

But who are you again, dear? 

You look like you and sound like you, but what has become of your heart? 

Surely this dream has compared you to another past work of art. 

An ex lover with wondering green eyes, swinging ways, and a broken smile I believed every time. 

These dreams have a funny way of making me miserable, 

taunting me to relive every heartbreak 

and painting your beautiful face on the sins of thieves. 

For some strange reason this reads like im in an art gallery, your words really has that feel that an artist could paint, do you know any artist that can paint, very imagined words of thought, wonderful read thank you.

(10-03-2016, 10:05 AM)Cadence_CS Wrote: [ -> ]Nightmares and the Safety of Sunlight

I am still burned and fearing the flame that nearly torched my existence. 

She is like fire in the soul and you go back to heat your hands every time my winter skin gets to be too much.  oh she would burn if weren't for your icy exterior. Love this line too

Sipping her in like cocoa, mumbling through chattering lips how you hate these icy months. 

But who are you again, dear? 

You look like you and sound like you, but what has become of your heart? 

Surely this dream has compared you to another past work of art. ahh she is being compare to the greatest of past art, the past line seem to suggest a difference in dream her and real her.

An ex lover with wondering green eyes, swinging ways, and a broken smile I believed every time. 

These dreams have a funny way of making me miserable, 

taunting me to relive every heartbreak 

and painting your beautiful face on the sins of thieves.  like saying your face on every stealing of my heart. I love this line so much

The only line i dont understand is the ex lover line. what is the purpose of this line might I ask? Otherwise the entire piece have so many imagery that make this such a masterpiece-like to me.