Look at me! I’m the queen of everything!
(And the queen of nothing inside)
It’s amazing what a tight, low-cut crop top can hide.
Come and watch! Watch the manic pixie party princess.
Watch me balance my life on stilettos and shots,
five inches high but I wish I was higher, ‘cause
I can’t laugh any harder.
I can’t laugh any harder, I can’t grin any wider,
I’m drowning in lights, I’m a fucking delight.
I’m the queen of everything and a mess inside,
I’m the queen of everything and a scared little girl inside.
I’m sharp as my eyeliner and bold as my lipstick,
but all my makeup’s waterproof for a reason, 'cause
what’s the point of mascara that can’t mask the fact
that you were crying just now in the back?
So look at me! I’m an introvert’s nightmare,
an introvert’s wet dream,
a queen of self-hatred who can act like a prom queen.
If you dance hard enough, you can fake self-esteem.
If you laugh hard enough, you can fake anything!
I can’t laugh any harder, can’t anyone see?
I’m the queen of everything and masked anxiety.
I’m the queen of false bravado and the counterfeit scene.
hello,
firstly, before i start, i just want to say i think this is really good. you have taken an idea that could possibly be quite boring and predictable and made it interesting and unique. i mean, we've all heard of insecurity posing as confidence [seriously, if you could sell that shit, i'd be making bank!], but you manage to express this idea without cliche. . . almost.
ok, so firstly, the title is useless. one cliche is bad enough but adding a second in parenthesis is 'oh dear'. especially when the poem itself is relatively cliche-free [from what i remember].
(07-12-2016, 05:48 PM)SnarlingThroughOurSmiles Wrote: [ -> ]Look at me! I’m the queen of everything! -- i have to say, i love hyperbole. i also love a well-placed exclamation mark. they are not used nearly enough! this line sets up our expectations that will be confounded later. i would remove the 'look at me!' though.
(And the queen of nothing inside) -- this is a bit on the nose. it shows a lack of trust in the reader to follow the more subtle implications; which in turn shows a lack of self-confidence in your own ability to give a subtle message
It’s amazing what a tight, low-cut crop top can hide. -- this is a great use of paradox [hiding by revealing--very nietschean]. it hints at what the previous line expressed explicitly. and shows that you can do it, so be confident.
Come and watch! Watch the manic pixie party princess.
Watch me balance my life on stilettos and shots, -- i wish i had written this line. it is very good.
five inches high but I wish I was higher, ‘cause
I can’t laugh any harder. -- i think 'because' would be better. also, why bother with the line breaking at that point? regardless, again, a great idea expressed beautifully. [just had an after thought, this is fucking reallly good
I can’t laugh any harder, I can’t grin any wider,
I’m drowning in lights, I’m a fucking delight. -- i didn't like the 'fucking delight' at first. still not entirely sure about it. i do swear in my own poems, but even with my own stuff it bothers me. i would also cut down on the 'I's.
I’m the queen of everything and a mess inside, -- again, on the nose. you have already shown a good deal of 'the mess inside' we need not be told.
I’m the queen of everything and a scared little girl inside. -- ditto.
I’m sharp as my eyeliner and bold as my lipstick, -- 'i'm as sharp as my eyeliner' another one i wish i'd written. really good.
but all my makeup’s waterproof for a reason, 'cause
what’s the point of mascara that can’t mask the fact
that you were crying just now in the back? -- a lot of this stanza feels like filler. i think this idea can be expressed far more concisely.
So look at me! I’m an introvert’s nightmare,
an introvert’s wet dream, -- again, a bit tellish. . .? telly. . .? i don't know. it tells too much is what i'm saying
a queen of self-hatred who can act like a prom queen.
If you dance hard enough, you can fake self-esteem.
If you laugh hard enough, you can fake anything!
I can’t laugh any harder, can’t anyone see?
I’m the queen of everything and masked anxiety.
I’m the queen of false bravado and the counterfeit scene. -- yeah, this last stanza is explaining everything [not in a good way]. i like 'the conterfeit scene' as a phrase. but the rest could be jettisoned.
in sum, i think what i would do, is radically cut everything that explicitly states the negative. for example, 'a queen of self-hatred'--cut. 'masked anxiety'--cut. etc. and try to express this idea more subtly, like you did in the first stanza. make the play between confidence and insecurity more ambiguous. oh also, maybe try it out in the 3rd person. an ironic poem about supperficiality in the first person sounds just a tad pop.
anyway, i enjoyed it. thanks.
"All that glitters is not gold (Or, Fake It til you Make It)"
AH! Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice" Although the two phrases don't have the same meaning exactly. Might want to stick with one. Personally I'd go with the Shakespeare ( Chaucer) quote, as it adds a nice twist on it.
Look at me! I’m the queen of everything!
(And the queen of nothing inside) (this seems a bit awkwardly worded)
It’s amazing what a tight, low-cut crop top can hide.
Come and watch! Watch the manic pixie party princess.
Watch me balance my life on stilettos and shots,
five inches high but I wish I was higher, ‘cause
I can’t laugh any harder.
I can’t laugh any harder, I can’t grin any wider, (maybe move the grin line to the line above as it has more to do with S1 than S2)
I’m drowning in lights, I’m a fucking delight.
I’m the queen of everything and a mess inside,
I’m the queen of everything and a scared little girl inside. (drop one of these two lines or restate, "inside", followed by "inside" doesn't worked sonically, or any other way)
I’m sharp as my eyeliner and bold as my lipstick,
but all my makeup’s waterproof for a reason, 'cause
what’s the point of mascara that can’t mask the fact
that you were crying just now in the back?
So look at me! I’m an introvert’s nightmare,
an introvert’s wet dream,
a queen of self-hatred who can act like a prom queen.
If you dance hard enough, you can fake self-esteem.
If you laugh hard enough, you can fake anything!
I can’t laugh any harder, can’t anyone see?
I’m the queen of everything and masked anxiety.
I’m the queen of false bravado and the counterfeit scene.
A good idea but too much repetition and too much restatement.
Best,
dale
(07-13-2016, 01:10 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: [ -> ]hello,
firstly, before i start, i just want to say i think this is really good. you have taken an idea that could possibly be quite boring and predictable and made it interesting and unique. i mean, we've all heard of insecurity posing as confidence [seriously, if you could sell that shit, i'd be making bank!], but you manage to express this idea without cliche. . . almost.
ok, so firstly, the title is useless. one cliche is bad enough but adding a second in parenthesis is 'oh dear'. especially when the poem itself is relatively cliche-free [from what i remember].
(07-12-2016, 05:48 PM)SnarlingThroughOurSmiles Wrote: [ -> ]Look at me! I’m the queen of everything! -- i have to say, i love hyperbole. i also love a well-placed exclamation mark. they are not used nearly enough! this line sets up our expectations that will be confounded later. i would remove the 'look at me!' though.
(And the queen of nothing inside) -- this is a bit on the nose. it shows a lack of trust in the reader to follow the more subtle implications; which in turn shows a lack of self-confidence in your own ability to give a subtle message
It’s amazing what a tight, low-cut crop top can hide. -- this is a great use of paradox [hiding by revealing--very nietschean]. it hints at what the previous line expressed explicitly. and shows that you can do it, so be confident.
Come and watch! Watch the manic pixie party princess.
Watch me balance my life on stilettos and shots, -- i wish i had written this line. it is very good.
five inches high but I wish I was higher, ‘cause
I can’t laugh any harder. -- i think 'because' would be better. also, why bother with the line breaking at that point? regardless, again, a great idea expressed beautifully. [just had an after thought, this is fucking reallly good
I can’t laugh any harder, I can’t grin any wider,
I’m drowning in lights, I’m a fucking delight. -- i didn't like the 'fucking delight' at first. still not entirely sure about it. i do swear in my own poems, but even with my own stuff it bothers me. i would also cut down on the 'I's.
I’m the queen of everything and a mess inside, -- again, on the nose. you have already shown a good deal of 'the mess inside' we need not be told.
I’m the queen of everything and a scared little girl inside. -- ditto.
I’m sharp as my eyeliner and bold as my lipstick, -- 'i'm as sharp as my eyeliner' another one i wish i'd written. really good.
but all my makeup’s waterproof for a reason, 'cause
what’s the point of mascara that can’t mask the fact
that you were crying just now in the back? -- a lot of this stanza feels like filler. i think this idea can be expressed far more concisely.
So look at me! I’m an introvert’s nightmare,
an introvert’s wet dream, -- again, a bit tellish. . .? telly. . .? i don't know. it tells too much is what i'm saying
a queen of self-hatred who can act like a prom queen.
If you dance hard enough, you can fake self-esteem.
If you laugh hard enough, you can fake anything!
I can’t laugh any harder, can’t anyone see?
I’m the queen of everything and masked anxiety.
I’m the queen of false bravado and the counterfeit scene. -- yeah, this last stanza is explaining everything [not in a good way]. i like 'the conterfeit scene' as a phrase. but the rest could be jettisoned.
in sum, i think what i would do, is radically cut everything that explicitly states the negative. for example, 'a queen of self-hatred'--cut. 'masked anxiety'--cut. etc. and try to express this idea more subtly, like you did in the first stanza. make the play between confidence and insecurity more ambiguous. oh also, maybe try it out in the 3rd person. an ironic poem about supperficiality in the first person sounds just a tad pop.
anyway, i enjoyed it. thanks.
Hi! First of all, thank you SO MUCH for the hella in-depth review. I totally understand what you're saying about leaving things implicit instead of saying them outright regarding the negatives, but I needed a way to make the rhythm continue and I ran out of ways to be subtle while still maintaining rhyme and rhythm. But I shall put more thought into in future poems. I wrote it intentionally in the first person because I took a lot of influence for this piece from The 1975's "Love Me" and Bo Burnham's work in general, where he does a lot of self-expositional songs that are really bitter while sounding super-cheerful, so I guess you could say the pop feel was intentional as well, to add to the fakeness of it all.
(07-13-2016, 06:33 AM)JDofing Wrote: [ -> ]All that glitters is not gold (Or, Fake It til you Make It) -- I would have stopped at "gold". The rest disagrees, even when meant in jest.
Look at me! I’m the queen of everything! --Nice boasting out of the chute, even if we're already looking when reading.
(And the queen of nothing inside) --Perfect, catchy.
It’s amazing what a tight, low-cut crop top can hide.
Come and watch! Watch the manic pixie party princess. --Sounds like a carnival barker, "Step right up!" or ELO's Come and See the Show.
Watch me balance my life on stilettos and shots, --Really good, I saw knives and guns together, hopefully intentionally
I actually meant "stilettos and shots" as in like "heels and alcohol," hence "five inches high" later on in the same stanza, but I guess the double meaning works pretty cool!
five inches high but I wish I was higher, ‘cause
I can’t laugh any harder. --
I can’t laugh any harder, I can’t grin any wider, -- I get the repeating due to excess, but unnecessary for this reader
I’m drowning in lights, I’m a fucking delight. -- lights and delight as a rhyme?
Dunno, kind of works pretty well if you say it out loud
I’m the queen of everything and a mess inside,
I’m the queen of everything and a scared little girl inside. -- Could the two queen lines be merged into one?
Genuinely asking, how would you merge them? Also I wrote the lines "twice," essentially, because the rhythm worked better if it was two separate lines
I’m sharp as my eyeliner and bold as my lipstick, -- Great here, a mask as a person, but...
but all my makeup’s waterproof for a reason, 'cause - killed by a lot of wordiness.
So I get that my poems are usually pretty wordy, and I think it's because a lot of it is influenced by rap music, where some of the best verses I've ever seen have a huge number of words fitted into a rapid-fire staccato while somehow managing to maintain a rhythmic pattern, and I really try to emulate that in my poems. Also because this poem was meant to be said out loud, like a breathless, near-hysterically-cheerful rant delivered under Hollywood street lights with your arms flung wide open.
what’s the point of mascara that can’t mask the fact
that you were crying just now in the back?
So look at me! I’m an introvert’s nightmare,
an introvert’s wet dream, -- Deleting "wet" would better match the adjective-free "nightmare" and flow better.
a queen of self-hatred who can act like a prom queen. -- How about "Self-hatred behind prom queen sheen"
It wouldn't work well with the rhythm
If you dance hard enough, you can fake self-esteem.
If you laugh hard enough, you can fake anything!
I can’t laugh any harder, can’t anyone see?
I’m the queen of everything and masked anxiety.
I’m the queen of false bravado and the counterfeit scene. --Lots of rhymes enforce the feeling of faked perfection.
--------It's interesting that the subject of this poem fully knows her (his?) falseness and angst. I'm glad
--------there's no mention of getting out of the trap, or even wanting to. Makes me wonder deep things
---------about psychology and addiction.
Thanks so much for your critique as a whole! Regarding the end of your critique, there's no mention of getting out or wanting to get out because it's not so much an addiction as like, you've worked so hard to make yourself look perfect and untouchable and extroverted and exuberant, polishing away all your outward cues of social anxiety, that you can't bear going back to what you were. Because you didn't like what you used to be and even though you're emotionally exhausted now, you hate the idea of the people who care about you worry as you display signs of distress, hate the idea of feeling like one of a thousand introverts that seem to be all the rage amongst intellectuals and artists, hate the perpetuated idea that you can't be smart and artistic and also a social butterfly and party girl.