There is no way to know if any word
is the right word given our shared saliva,
my insipid insomnia. My libido is a given.
You ache in me.
Your breath crushes me.
Come another summer, each dawn will bring your color
to my skin.
You are my personal stairway
and as I climb Up you and Down you
looking for the exit, I fear it will be my death.
Hi 71,
I don't have much to say, but thought this was lovely.
The first stanza was mildly confusing for me. I don't know what "word" the narrator is searching for, a word of love? A pre-breakup apology? A post-breakup apology? There is an implied time limit on the romance with the double mention of "summer" ... is the word "stay?" Is it "goodbye?" Since the narrator doesn't know the word, we probably aren't meant to know either, but it didn't stop me from trying to solve the riddle, which was distracting from the rest of the poem.
The rest, however was lovely and evocative. I thought the last stanza was was beautiful and could stand alone.
--Quix
(06-15-2016, 12:13 AM)Quixilated Wrote: [ -> ]Hi 71,
I don't have much to say, but thought this was lovely.
The first stanza was mildly confusing for me. I don't know what "word" the narrator is searching for, a word of love? A pre-breakup apology? A post-breakup apology? There is an implied time limit on the romance with the double mention of "summer" ... is the word "stay?" Is it "goodbye?" Since the narrator doesn't know the word, we probably aren't meant to know either, but it didn't stop me from trying to solve the riddle, which was distracting from the rest of the poem.
The rest, however was lovely and evocative. I thought the last stanza was was beautiful and could stand alone.
--Quix
Glad you liked this. Your words are encouraging. FYI: more like "for" love, rather than "of" love. Something like that.
Hi 71,
I have read this thru several times. I find the start of it ....confusing. The first three lines I find too vague. I'm sorry to say I really don't like the word saliva in there. And I like it when people shake things up or do the unexpected in a poem. But that was unexpected in a bad way for me.
I like it better from the 'you ache in me....' line on down. I think from there it's a kind of 'I'm so into you poem'..but I like those . I keep reading the 'bring your color to my skin' line....over and over...I admit, I'm confused by it, but it doesn't stop me from liking that bit. I also agree with the previous reviewer that the last three lines are your strongest.
Good luck! V
I feel an echo of
American Beauties in this one, particularly in the seasonal relation. S1 is a little wordy, but it sets a tone that makes the wordiness seem to fit, so I forgive that. S2 lacks impact for me, which makes it unjustifiably short -- I fail to see how breath is crushing to the speaker. I'm not sure of the line break in S3. I don't see the reason for it, so at the moment it seems arbitrary. I like the ideas that a stairway brings in S4, but the image feels incomplete in the end. This leaves the ending rather unsatisfying, which might be saying something of its own about the relationship.
Nice poem, my only thought for you is to switch the words Libido and Insomnia. I think Insipid better discribes a Libido. Just a thought.
(06-12-2016, 09:49 AM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]There is no way to know if any word
is the right word given our shared saliva,
my insipid insomnia. My libido is a given.
You ache in me.
Your breath crushes me.
Come another summer, each dawn will bring your color
to my skin.
You are my personal stairway
and as I climb Up you and Down you
looking for the exit, I fear it will be my death.
(06-16-2016, 06:04 PM)Vanity Wrote: [ -> ]Hi 71,
I have read this thru several times. I find the start of it ....confusing. The first three lines I find too vague. I'm sorry to say I really don't like the word saliva in there. And I like it when people shake things up or do the unexpected in a poem. But that was unexpected in a bad way for me.
I like it better from the 'you ache in me....' line on down. I think from there it's a kind of 'I'm so into you poem'..but I like those . I keep reading the 'bring your color to my skin' line....over and over...I admit, I'm confused by it, but it doesn't stop me from liking that bit. I also agree with the previous reviewer that the last three lines are your strongest.
Good luck! V
Sorry if the start is confusing and vague. Sharing someone's saliva is pretty specific so not sure what you are saying. Glad you like the ending.
(06-16-2016, 09:40 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: [ -> ]I feel an echo of American Beauties in this one, particularly in the seasonal relation. S1 is a little wordy, but it sets a tone that makes the wordiness seem to fit, so I forgive that. S2 lacks impact for me, which makes it unjustifiably short -- I fail to see how breath is crushing to the speaker. I'm not sure of the line break in S3. I don't see the reason for it, so at the moment it seems arbitrary. I like the ideas that a stairway brings in S4, but the image feels incomplete in the end. This leaves the ending rather unsatisfying, which might be saying something of its own about the relationship.
This is the second poem I've written where someone has mentioned a commonality w/ "American Beauties"...thank you. And thanks for your other comments. They are valid. But since, so far, you are the only one who doesn't care for the ending, I'm not sure I will make any changes there.
(06-17-2016, 11:54 AM)homer1950 Wrote: [ -> ]Nice poem, my only thought for you is to switch the words Libido and Insomnia. I think Insipid better discribes a Libido. Just a thought.
(06-12-2016, 09:49 AM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]There is no way to know if any word
is the right word given our shared saliva,
my insipid insomnia. My libido is a given.
You ache in me.
Your breath crushes me.
Come another summer, each dawn will bring your color
to my skin.
You are my personal stairway
and as I climb Up you and Down you
looking for the exit, I fear it will be my death.
This is a valid comment. Thank you. I will make this change.
Ha! Fatalistic and funny.
The punctuation at the end of L2 seems a tad confusing, a semi-colon might make it more clear. Of course as I am unsure exactly what you mean by what follows, that could be off.
L4 is a bit of a cliche and L5 edges that way, but would probably be OK if not paired with the more obvious L4.
The capitalization of "up" and "down" seems to serve little purpose to me and was disruptive in terms of the reading.
I like the melodramatic punch line in L10. I could easily envision someone leaning back with the back of the hand to the brow. Good one.
dale
(06-12-2016, 09:49 AM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]There is no way to know if any word ----------I'm not sure how this fist line fit the rest of the poem
is the right word given our shared saliva,
my insipid insomnia. My libido is a given. ------- L2 & L3 contain some vital elements: shared saliva, insipid insomnia but why would any word be a problem with this type intimate relationship.
You ache in me.
Your breath crushes me.
Come another summer, each dawn will bring your color
to my skin.
You are my personal stairway
and as I climb Up you and Down you ------ ...as I climb up and down you would be enough here
looking for the exit, I fear it will be my death. I like how you ended
71degrees,
I like short poems like this one, and I enjoyed reading your work. My biggest concern for revision is L1. I think you should go with something that doesn't conflict with the intensity of the relationship. And the use of "Another" in the title may be a poor choice. I say this because "another" is a lame transition and the content of the poem doesn't come off lame, really.
Good work.
Luna
(06-25-2016, 01:45 AM)LunaDeLore Wrote: [ -> ] (06-12-2016, 09:49 AM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]There is no way to know if any word ----------I'm not sure how this fist line fit the rest of the poem
is the right word given our shared saliva,
my insipid insomnia. My libido is a given. ------- L2 & L3 contain some vital elements: shared saliva, insipid insomnia but why would any word be a problem with this type intimate relationship.
You ache in me.
Your breath crushes me.
Come another summer, each dawn will bring your color
to my skin.
You are my personal stairway
and as I climb Up you and Down you ------ ...as I climb up and down you would be enough here
looking for the exit, I fear it will be my death. I like how you ended
71degrees,
I like short poems like this one, and I enjoyed reading your work. My biggest concern for revision is L1. I think you should go with something that doesn't conflict with the intensity of the relationship. And the use of "Another" in the title may be a poor choice. I say this because "another" is a lame transition and the content of the poem doesn't come off lame, really.
Good work.
Luna
Folks can have a crushing, physical, saliva filled relationship and still have a problem saying, "I love you"...or maybe one of them might. A conflict needs to be there, especially at the beginning. "Another" is an indication that this has been going on for multiple years. Am glad (for the most part
) that the poem is coming through for you. Thanks for your comments.