Edit3 (title change)
Cleaning Out My Desk
Don’t turn away in shame, my friend. You learned
the ropes from me, so now they’ve cut me loose.
You’re young, well-educated, and you spurned
your native land - flew here to be of use.
Your English jars, imperfect, though you speak
and read four languages - three more than I;
your hard-earned pay’s a pittance, and will peak
at less than mine however hard you try.
But what you earn, what you will learn here makes
you half as golden as a Party hack
back in your homeland. For your kindred’s sakes
work well, although you’re why I got the sack.
It’s not your striving, friend, that I resent;
what wounds us both is faithless government.
Edit2
Jobs: Americans Won’t Do II
Don’t turn away in shame, my friend. You learned
the ropes from me, so now they’ve cut me loose.
You’re young, well-educated, and you spurned
your native land - flew here to be of use.
Your English jars, imperfect, though you speak
and read four languages - three more than I;
your hard-earned pay’s a pittance, and will peak
at less than mine however hard you try.
But what you earn, what you will learn here makes
you half as golden as a Party hack
back in your homeland. For your kindred’s sakes
work well, although you’re why I got the sack.
It’s not your striving, friend, that I resent;
what wounds us both is crony government.
Edit1
Don’t turn away in shame, my friend. You learned
the ropes from me, so now they’ve cut me loose.
You’re young, well-educated, and you spurned
your native land - you flew to be of use.
Your English jars, imperfect, though you speak
and read four languages - three more than I;
your hard-earned pay’s a pittance, and will peak
at less than I got, not two-thirds as high.
But what you earn, what you will learn here makes
you half as golden as a Party hack
back in your homeland. For your kindred’s sakes
work well, although you’re why I got the sack.
This magic kingdom won’t embrace its own
while it’s allowed to import and to clone.
Original ;
Jobs: Americans Won’t Do
You ask, young students, old economists,
“Why won’t you bosses hire Americans?”
To see, just put yourselves here in my place
instead of trying to put me in mine.
It’s not that natives’ attitudes are bad
as some say, or because they’re so unskilled -
although malingerers are worth less than
they sponge by claiming “disability.”
But mainly it’s because each native comes
with such a vesting of surprise-bomb “rights”
that he or she can’t shed no matter what
they’d give to have the job, and yearn to work.
Those “rights,” unalienable, explain
why aliens, illegals, H1Bs,
are sought with smiles, to dodge catastrophes
of lawsuit, union grievance, baited traps
of racial hypersensitivity,
religious lags, strange genders, all with chips
nailed to their shoulders by bureaucracies
that lust to ruin any who employ
Americans, each cursed with bear-trap “rights.”
In my place you would hire a criminal
whose faults you knew, before a native son
whose tender feelings, hurt, could make you one.
I'll try and provide some feedback on the poem itself sometime later, but for starters bluring the distinction between legal and illegal immigrants dilutes the cedibikity of the poem's thesis
This reads more like a diatribe than a poem. In fact, it reads only like a diatribe and not like a poem at all, so, while I am hesitant to get in to the "this is a poem/this isn't a poem debate" I am dependent on the author to distinguish the difference between the two. As for improvement? Well, instead of telling your readers the what's and whys, you could write a poem that demonstrates them and let your readers form their own conclusions.
Good luck.
Thanks for posting.
Thanks to both critics, so far - very valuable insights on a type of poetry which seems to be unusual on this forum.
Quote:I'll try and provide some feedback on the poem itself sometime later, but for starters bluring the distinction between legal and illegal immigrants dilutes the cedibikity of the poem's thesis
Excellent criticism: a subsidiary point I was trying to make is that both of two particular types of immigrant (illegal and semi-legal [H1Bs aren't legally authorized if Americans can do the work, but this is very often, corruptly, ignored by those issuing and requesting those visas]) are preferred for the same reason (my main point) though for different jobs. Your critique indicates that I've failed to get this across. But how to explain that - or, better, *show* it - in a work that's already very wordy? Are the only effective poems on this kind of subject short-form (i.e. bumper stickers)? I'll keep trying.
(04-10-2016, 02:01 AM)milo Wrote: [ -> ]This reads more like a diatribe than a poem. In fact, it reads only like a diatribe and not like a poem at all, so, while I am hesitant to get in to the "this is a poem/this isn't a poem debate" I am dependent on the author to distinguish the difference between the two. As for improvement? Well, instead of telling your readers the what's and whys, you could write a poem that demonstrates them and let your readers form their own conclusions.
Good luck.
Thanks for posting.
"[I]t reads ... like a diatribe" is a powerful clue to what I'm doing wrong here. Looking up "diatribe" turns up many references to length and hostility, but
Urban Dictionary may have it best:
Quote:A neverending flow of words, phrases, sentences, and opinions from a speaker whose agenda was crystal clear in the first ten seconds of speech.
That is, I began with the frank admission that I'm trying to explain something, which instantly puts a modern reader on alert that he will have to make an immediate decision of political correctness or incorrectness ("in the first ten seconds") and either cheer or tune out. This might, at one time, have been considered honest, but in today's environment it's a recipe for failure. We're all spring-loaded to reject anything we don't want to hear. Perhaps the poem could sidle up to the topic via history:
Quote:The Inquisition's in my shop again.
They don't mind Moors or Hebrews working here
but let me hire one Christian, who informs
the Holy Office that I've impure thoughts in mind... etc.
More hints, please! Perhaps politico-economic poetry is still possible in this best of all possible worlds. Edits to follow; here's a thought: can the whole idea be expressed with the first and last verses?
Quote:You ask, young students, old economists,
“Why won’t you bosses hire Americans?”
To see, just put yourselves here in my place
instead of trying to put me in mine:
In my place you would hire a criminal
whose faults you knew, before a native son
whose tender feelings, hurt, could make you one.
I'm very interested in this discussion, and hesitating to post as I am not sure I can offer a decent critique. I'm no scholar (not that I think that's needed for critique, mind) and a poet more by virtue of stubborn need than any skill.
I think, to make this kind of thing work, you have to write from the wound. Get right inside where the injustice hurts the worst, and speak that in poetry. Drop all the technical terms, because that's far too much for the poem to carry in addition to reaching the gut response.
I do believe there is a place for didactic poems but I also believe they are excruciatingly hard to do well. They have to be so damn good that the reader forgives you for teaching them something they didn't like to hear of. (This is not meant as a slur on anyone's response here but only as a general comment from my own failures with this type of writing.)
Personally, I'd like to see this reworked.
(04-10-2016, 06:37 AM)bedeep Wrote: [ -> ]I'm very interested in this discussion, and hesitating to post as I am not sure I can offer a decent critique. I'm no scholar (not that I think that's needed for critique, mind) and a poet more by virtue of stubborn need than any skill.
I think, to make this kind of thing work, you have to write from the wound. Get right inside where the injustice hurts the worst, and speak that in poetry. Drop all the technical terms, because that's far too much for the poem to carry in addition to reaching the gut response.
I do believe there is a place for didactic poems but I also believe they are excruciatingly hard to do well. They have to be so damn good that the reader forgives you for teaching them something they didn't like to hear of. (This is not meant as a slur on anyone's response here but only as a general comment from my own failures with this type of writing.)
Personally, I'd like to see this reworked.
Write from the wound - very good point (and good critique). It's more or less what I was attempting, but in the poem too dry and theoretical, ideological. Need to get into the wounded life of a manager who's hurt (and lost his job) because some fool kid who couldn't do the work called him a racist and heterobigot, or one of the Disney employees who was forced to train his own semi-legal replacement while being fired because the replacement was cheaper. [Aside: that actually happened to me, though not with Disney, and my understudy was not the nationality you might expect. Company discovered its error in a few months. But I'm too easy-going to have made a fuss - felt a failure, yes, but not actually wounded. Hmmm.]
How could it go... "You're sad, my friend, to watch me empty out/the desk where we sat while I taught you how/to do my job - don't worry, I won't pout/..."
Thanks for the read! Heavier edit needed - or just neutron-bomb it, leaving only the title, and start over.
Jobs: Americans Won’t Do II
Don’t turn away in shame, my friend. You learned
the ropes from me, so now they’ve cut me loose.
You’re young, well-educated, and you spurned
your native land - you flew to be of use.
Your English jars, imperfect, though you speak
and read four languages - three more than I;
your hard-earned pay’s a pittance, and will peak
at less than I got, not two-thirds as high.
But what you earn, what you will learn here makes
you half as golden as a Party hack
back in your homeland. For your kindred’s sakes
work well, although you’re why I got the sack.
This magic kingdom won’t embrace its own
while it’s allowed to import and to clone.
@mods/adms - This is a complete reboot, placed here entirely because it responds to critiques of the original... with which it has only a very general theme in common. Please punch another of my critique chits
. (Or it can be moved to its own thread.)
@bedeep - Dramatizing a wound which really didn't seem so deep at the time, though it now seems to have been on the leading edge of a Trend... and conflating it with a more recent and much more wounding example.
@milo, @achebe - Does this sneak the message in more effectively - a stealth Western Union messenger?
This reads a whole lot stronger. Even so, the final couplet loses the emotional connection, for me. Throughout and up to that point, I feel you and I feel your trainee/replacement, as human. The narrator displays a genuine connection to both points of view that feels real. Then it goes into analytical mode with the last two lines. And I am not convinced; the body of the poem says something different to me, than those two lines do. It speaks of two sides of the same injustice. The ending couplet somehow dehumanizes the people involved and sets them against each other.
Edit 2
Don’t turn away in shame, my friend. You learned
the ropes from me, so now they’ve cut me loose.
You’re young, well-educated, and you spurned
your native land - flew here to be of use.
Your English jars, imperfect, though you speak
and read four languages - three more than I;
your hard-earned pay’s a pittance, and will peak
at less than mine however hard you try.
But what you earn, what you will learn here makes
you half as golden as a Party hack
back in your homeland. For your kindred’s sakes
work well, although you’re why I got the sack.
It’s not your striving, friend, that I resent;
what wounds us both is crony government.
Thanks again for the laser focus on what's wrong with the poem; during rewrite it had turned into a sonnet by L10, but the volta was such a sharp turn that the couplet became no more than an
ex parte remark. In the above edit, I'm torn (on the last line) between "crony" (more exactly to the point, though unsupported for the speaker elsewhere) and "faithless," which has the same problem worse, but more impact. Which works better (if either)?
(04-11-2016, 10:44 AM)bedeep Wrote: [ -> ]This reads a whole lot stronger. Even so, the final couplet loses the emotional connection, for me. Throughout and up to that point, I feel you and I feel your trainee/replacement, as human. The narrator displays a genuine connection to both points of view that feels real. Then it goes into analytical mode with the last two lines. And I am not convinced; the body of the poem says something different to me, than those two lines do. It speaks of two sides of the same injustice. The ending couplet somehow dehumanizes the people involved and sets them against each other.
Oh, I much prefer "faithless" there, and the rewrite is, to me, very satisfying. Well worked!
Edit: I do think it needs a different title, now.
Edit3 (title change)
Cleaning Out My Desk
Don’t turn away in shame, my friend. You learned
the ropes from me, so now they’ve cut me loose.
You’re young, well-educated, and you spurned
your native land - flew here to be of use.
Your English jars, imperfect, though you speak
and read four languages - three more than I;
your hard-earned pay’s a pittance, and will peak
at less than mine however hard you try.
But what you earn, what you will learn here makes
you half as golden as a Party hack
back in your homeland. For your kindred’s sakes
work well, although you’re why I got the sack.
It’s not your striving, friend, that I resent;
what wounds us both is faithless government.
You're right, of course (aside from the compliment, which 'twere vain to confirm). And simplest may be best for the title, too.
Very, very helpful in getting from diatribe to sorry truth. Thanks once more!
(04-12-2016, 01:25 AM)bedeep Wrote: [ -> ]Oh, I much prefer "faithless" there, and the rewrite is, to me, very satisfying. Well worked!
Edit: I do think it needs a different title, now.
You're welcome; my pleasure.