So... you guys like break-up poems? Or, as I like to call the series of fragmented phrases and and poems that spilled from myself in the aftermath, "There are so many ways to say, 'Narcissist.'" Probably better kept in my notebook; let me know ;P.
You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees;
the clearing from my dreams.
But love,
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep?
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me.
Oh Pal this is very great! Im totally in the mood to hear this kind of poem and also to write my own. It's one precious consolation of romantic pain that one's artistic creativity can really flourish sometimes.
I don't really have anything to crit. I love this, I love the progression and the final angry reaction, the naivety that we all resort to in these painful times, of trying to purge out an emotion that simply cannot be purged.
(03-10-2016, 06:25 PM)ephemerald Wrote: [ -> ]So... you guys like break-up poems? Or, as I like to call the series of fragmented phrases and and poems that spilled from myself in the aftermath, "There are so many ways to say, 'Narcissist.'" Probably better kept in my notebook; let me know ;P.
You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees;
the clearing from my dreams.
But love,
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep?
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me.
Hmmm...this is really pretty. I like the earthen reprieve and the softened thoughts in the chambers of sleep. My thoughts are to truly express the narcissism there needs to a death, the thief to die admiring his fire.
I think it is good you didn't leave it in your notebook. It reads kind of dreamy.
I liked this. A few thoughts/comments
You made yourself out to be Is the poem in past or present tense? The rest of the poem is present tense so should this be "You make yourself...."?
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees; Should this be "from my grasping through trees"
the clearing from my dreams. This doesnt seem to make sense. There is a place/role for love in the dreams so this role needs to be clarified/consolidated. Did you mean ""in my dreams"? Also seems to give the impression that the dreams are in need of a clearing. If so that's fine; otherwise how about "meaning" instead of "clearing"?
But love,
liar, fool, thief; "Liar" yes but why "fool" and "thief"? perhaps just elaborate on the "liar"?
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep? Very nice
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me. Great ending
(03-10-2016, 06:25 PM)ephemerald Wrote: [ -> ]...the series of fragmented phrases and and poems that spilled from myself in the aftermath, "There are so many ways to say, 'Narcissist.'" Probably better kept in my notebook; let me know ;P.
Definitely better out than in! Love is the greatest of the emotions that inspire poetry, scientifically speaking. The dopamine rush that love brings, and the withdrawal symptoms when that fix is denied, are probably the most intense experiences we go through in our lives. The only other comparable emotion I can think of is religious ecstasy.
The memory of that pleasure and pain remains with us long after we fall out of love. So these past experiences become a deep source of inspiration for writing throughout our lives. Yeats and Maud Gonne, Dante and Beatrice, Shakespeare and Gwyneth Paltrow...
Having said that, poetry is all about disciplined chaos, so fragments and bits and bobs must be made to fit in a structure that makes for a pleasant read.
Quote:You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees; ....she's like a patch of grass to rest on, a reprieve through your grasping through the trees? You have two metaphors here (she, the lush ground and your grasping through the trees), which are not connected in any logical way.
the clearing from my dreams. ...the clearing (i assume you're talking about the neat patch of grass metaphor) from, or in your dreams?
But love,
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep? ...a chamber is a room, so the sleep can be a chamber of your dreams, but I fail to see how the metaphor works the other way round
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me. ...but weren't your dreaming about lush ground and grasping through a forest just before this? Confusing
(03-10-2016, 06:25 PM)ephemerald Wrote: [ -> ]You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest, -- I'd cut this line. Going straight from "feet" to the "reprieve" line gives you a nice bit of assonance, and this line doesn't add much at all
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees;
the clearing from my dreams. -- though the ambiguity of "clearing" is quite nice, I'm not sure it gives the most evocative image. Have you thought about something like "glade"?
But love, -- maybe capitalise Love and give it a colon. Then you'd need to change the semi-colon in the next line, probably to a comma. Alternatively, a set of em-dashes.
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep? -- though "chambers of my sleep" is a pretty phrase, I find its use a bit heavy-handed. You've used up three lines telling us you're haunted by love in your dreams.
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me. -- I like this close, but I think it occurs too abruptly. How do we go from sleep to burning? This really needs an epiphany or you've got two separate poems.
(03-10-2016, 06:25 PM)ephemerald Wrote: [ -> ]So... you guys like break-up poems? Or, as I like to call the series of fragmented phrases and and poems that spilled from myself in the aftermath, "There are so many ways to say, 'Narcissist.'" Probably better kept in my notebook; let me know ;P.
You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees; like lost in the woods until they came along?
the clearing from my dreams. cause your dreams are a forest
But love,
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts, the softened thoughts seem only after he came along, the place he made. The dreams were a restless forest before.
these chambers of my sleep?
Scorched earth, these last four are great, burn it down move along, cleansing
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me.
maybe a little as to how the forest turned into a reprieve, that the creator should be banished from.
I guess they're your dreams.
(03-10-2016, 06:25 PM)ephemerald Wrote: [ -> ]So... you guys like break-up poems? Or, as I like to call the series of fragmented phrases and and poems that spilled from myself in the aftermath, "There are so many ways to say, 'Narcissist.'" Probably better kept in my notebook; let me know ;P.
You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees;
the clearing from my dreams.
But love,
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,
these chambers of my sleep?
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me.
"lush ground beneath my feet /a place to rest / an earthen reprieve" is redundant. Something's got to go.
"what business have you in my dreams / my softened thoughts / these chambers of my sleep" ditto
"Scorched earth / smoke rising" ditto
I like the poem but it is a broken record.
Hi ephemeral,
this is a fine write -
(03-10-2016, 06:25 PM)ephemerald Wrote: [ -> ]So... you guys like break-up poems? Or, as I like to call the series of fragmented phrases and and poems that spilled from myself in the aftermath, "There are so many ways to say, 'Narcissist.'" Probably better kept in my notebook; let me know ;P.
You made yourself out to be
lush ground beneath my feet,................reminds me of what once a gal said to me. She promised to be as compliant as grass. At the time
I was tempted to fall into her power, but I remembered in time how grass can tangle and strangle while rocking you to sleep.
I like the pithiness of this statement, and all it implies.
a place to rest,
an earthen reprieve
to my grasping through trees;
the clearing from my dreams...............Can't see the woods for the trees analogy? Sex is a reprieve, you nailed this. Love is a great way to
hide what comes next, but it's the door worth going through. I like how you compare 'grasping' and 'clearing'. Clearing has multiple
meanings here for the reader. A clearing in the woods may indicate a moment of clarity of course.
But love,
liar, fool, thief;
what business have you in my dreams,
my softened thoughts,...........................Here you deftly imply the vulnerability of dreams, those softened places where the body/mind can be stolen into an erotic realm where consequence and reality have no sway.
Scorched earth,
smoke rising;
this is the cleansing of you
from me.......................................I like this stanza but it all ends too abruptly for me. I feel you need a few lines before these
stark conclusions. Something to put more meat into the narrative.
I enjoyed this.
Hi, I'm new here, this is my first ever critique, and I hardly feel qualified to give feedback bc I don't feel like I know enough about poetry. I really only know what I like and don't like.
Sorry, long into all to say that I really, really like this poem! The opening 2 lines are my favorite. I love the image it creates of having though you landed in a safe, welcoming place. It makes the betrayal/hurt that much worse in the end. The only thing I might change would be to get rid of one of these lines or somehow combine them: a place to rest/an earthen reprieve. They feel repetitive to me. But as I said, I'm no expert.
Thanks for sharing. I agree with everyone else that this is one that should venture out of the notebook.