Poetry Forum

Edit 1.  Todd.  Not totally convinced about some of the changes.  Particularly the added in stanza split from one into two new.

How to weave a donkey.
 
First find the mobius strip,
a thread of many silvered fibers,
beyond the reach of all that is.
 
At the extreme edge,
exists a knot;
an umbilical entry port
of timed deployment.
 
The weave first forms
where the chords split,
raw and red from the separation.
Skeins of skin that cross a wide divide.
 
In the far distance, along the linear lines
an end stop
can be conceived;
 
a second knot, in the tongue
that speaks to idle lies.
Beyond this – only one,
perfect white weft, persists.
 
Now allow the shuttle to move
the warps.  Omer fed; fifty
fires of passion will pass
before it changes over.

Infinite colour combinations
can be woven together.
But the design remains the same.
 
The weaver controls the pattern,
the draw-boy delivers the drop.
Tension strops surround the frame;
a body found, the bolt is wound.
 
Shades of brown and grey,
displayed upon a subtle mélange
of sunlit life, amid a palette of decay.
The donkey dominates the page.
 
 




Long time since I last wrote anything, thanks to Todd, Keith and Ella for waking me from my apathy. 
Woke at 3am last night with this wondering around in my head!


How to weave a donkey.
 
First find a mobius strip
full of countless threads,
that is beyond the reach of all that is.
 
At the extreme edge of this,
exists a knot;
an umbilical entry port
of timed deployment.
 
The weave first forms
where the chords split,
raw and red from the separation.
Skeins of skin that cross the wide divide.
 
In the far distance, along the linear lines
an end stop
can be conceived;
 
a second knot, in the tongue
that speaks to idle lies.
Beyond this – only one,
perfect white weft, persists.
 
Next, allow the shuttle to work
with each available warp.
The weaver controls the pattern,
the draw-boy delivers the drop.
 
Infinite colour combinations
can be woven together.
But the design remains the same.
 
Various shades of brown and grey,
displayed upon a subtle melange
of sunlit life, amid a palette of decay.
The donkey dominates the page.

I would like to say I like it, very thought provoking for me.
i really enjoyed this part

Quote:The weave first forms
where the chords split,
raw and red from the separation.
Skeins of skin that cross the wide divide.

In the far distance, along the linear lines
an end stop
can be conceived;

I cant express really why,but it draws me in the most. As much as i would like to critise you i dont feel i know enough to do so but if pointing out parts that draw me in helps you in any way i hope you liek the feedback

Hi AJ,

I don't know if I'll be very helpful to you. I found this to be a fun, imaginative piece. Here are some comments:

(02-07-2016, 11:27 PM)cidermaid Wrote: [ -> ]Long time since I last wrote anything, thanks to Todd, Keith and Ella for waking me from my apathy. 
Woke at 3am last night with this wondering around in my head!


How to weave a donkey.
 
First find a mobius strip
full of countless threads,
that is beyond the reach of all that is.--Maybe a few cuts to tighten it. Evocative opening.
 
At the extreme edge of this,--Another cut to emphasize the great "e" sounds
exists a knot;--molecular knot I assume.
an umbilical entry port--Your first use of a cord (biological) moving to a music chord later. You blend music into creation in interesting ways in the poem.
of timed deployment.--Timed seems to work with the music.
 
The weave first forms
where the chords split,--Musical chords. dyads?
raw and red from the separation.--This blends back in a visceral physical sense.
Skeins of skin that cross the wide divide.--Again great use of sonic devices throughout. The sonics help to reinforce the creation aspect of music that you touch on in the piece--sort of a subtly played metaphor for creation.
 
In the far distance, along the linear lines
an end stop--Wonderful break for what it is.
can be conceived;--Now we have slid back to theoretical, creator/composer area. 
 
a second knot, in the tongue
that speaks to idle lies.--The physical creation leads to moral consequence.
Beyond this – only one,
perfect white weft, persists.
 
Next, allow the shuttle to work
with each available warp.
The weaver controls the pattern,
the draw-boy delivers the drop.--The specific weaving language is blended in nicely without detracting.
 
Infinite colour combinations
can be woven together.
But the design remains the same.--A statement on intelligent design but not preachy.
 
Various shades of brown and grey,--unnecessary word.
displayed upon a subtle melange--melange is a versatile word. I love the medley part of its definition.
of sunlit life, amid a palette of decay.--Sounds like what you may name a painting.
The donkey dominates the page.--Good ending.

I hope some of those comments help you. Enjoyed it.

Best,

Todd

Thanks advocate & Todd for the encouragement and editing ideas.
This one is still very much on the drawing board, I was expecting to have to do big edits but perhaps I will just tween it for now.
Thanks for the comments. AJ

Edit done