Black dog,
Black dog,
what do you see?
She sees you,
keenly.
This black dog bites.
Deceiver, liar with
hidden demon face,
she feeds
her pup
poison milk from
bitter teat.
Then eats
what remains
and complains
of emptiness.
Sinewy, hungry with
saucer brown eyes
she stalks you
and your child.
(01-30-2016, 10:38 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]Black dog,
Black dog, Why the repetition here?
what do you see?
She sees you, Whose voice is this? Now that that the dog sees the speaker, his death is imminent
keenly.
This black dog bites.
Deciever Deceiver, liar with I'm sure is these first three lines are necessary, or they could be replaced with something more interesting
hidden demon face,
she feeds
her pup
poison milk from These lines suggest that the black dog is poisoning her pup purposefully. Is that part of the legend?
bitter teat.
Then eats
what remains what remains of what? hopefully not her pup!
and complains how do demon dogs complain? Howl?
of emptiness.
Sinewy, hungry with
saucer brown eyes Some say Black Shuck has only one eye like a cyclops. This would be a cooler image me thinks
she stalks you
and your child. why is line indented? Again maybe part of the Black Shuck folklore I'm missing. If the the speaker saw the demon shouldn't she be the one destined to die?
aschueler,
I like the idea of this poem. Black Shuck is definitely a frighteningly awesome subject for a poem. However, I think you can do a lot more with this. First, you could make your lines longer and more descriptive, maybe that's my stylistic preference, but I think when you have such a cool image as a demon dog of death there's room to scare the reader with some evil imagery. Second, I think you should make it more clear that Black shuck symbolizes death. You say in the last two likes that "she stalks you and your child," however, I don't think this gives the impression as a harbinger of death.
Overall, I like where you're going with this and look forward to a revised version.
Best
-Nick
(01-31-2016, 01:49 AM)Brujo Wrote: [ -> ] (01-30-2016, 10:38 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]Black dog,
Black dog, Why the repetition here?
what do you see?
She sees you, Whose voice is this? Now that that the dog sees the speaker, his death is imminent
keenly.
This black dog bites.
Deciever Deceiver, liar with I'm sure is these first three lines are necessary, or they could be replaced with something more interesting
hidden demon face,
she feeds
her pup
poison milk from These lines suggest that the black dog is poisoning her pup purposefully. Is that part of the legend?
bitter teat.
Then eats
what remains what remains of what? hopefully not her pup!
and complains how do demon dogs complain? Howl?
of emptiness.
Sinewy, hungry with
saucer brown eyes Some say Black Shuck has only one eye like a cyclops. This would be a cooler image me thinks
she stalks you
and your child. why is line indented? Again maybe part of the Black Shuck folklore I'm missing. If the the speaker saw the demon shouldn't she be the one destined to die?
aschueler,
I like the idea of this poem. Black Shuck is definitely a frighteningly awesome subject for a poem. However, I think you can do a lot more with this. First, you could make your lines longer and more descriptive, maybe that's my stylistic preference, but I think when you have such a cool image as a demon dog of death there's room to scare the reader with some evil imagery. Second, I think you should make it more clear that Black shuck symbolizes death. You say in the last two likes that "she stalks you and your child," however, I don't think this gives the impression as a harbinger of death.
Overall, I like where you're going with this and look forward to a revised version.
Best
-Nick
Thanks for your advice, Nick. This is obviously not clear but it's personification of someone ... I figured if I changed to female and a few other things (brown eyes) it would be more clear it's not The Dog.
Folks with kids will likely get the repetition, it mirrors a specific kid's books. The indentation is to pause and highlight a shift.
Here what I am working on is the metaphorical personification..and its not clear enough..meant to be considerably unflattering.... Perhaps title being "Like Black Shuck"?
(01-31-2016, 03:06 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ] (01-31-2016, 01:49 AM)Brujo Wrote: [ -> ] (01-30-2016, 10:38 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]Black dog,
Black dog, Why the repetition here?
what do you see?
She sees you, Whose voice is this? Now that that the dog sees the speaker, his death is imminent
keenly.
This black dog bites.
Deciever Deceiver, liar with I'm sure is these first three lines are necessary, or they could be replaced with something more interesting
hidden demon face,
she feeds
her pup
poison milk from These lines suggest that the black dog is poisoning her pup purposefully. Is that part of the legend?
bitter teat.
Then eats
what remains what remains of what? hopefully not her pup!
and complains how do demon dogs complain? Howl?
of emptiness.
Sinewy, hungry with
saucer brown eyes Some say Black Shuck has only one eye like a cyclops. This would be a cooler image me thinks
she stalks you
and your child. why is line indented? Again maybe part of the Black Shuck folklore I'm missing. If the the speaker saw the demon shouldn't she be the one destined to die?
aschueler,
I like the idea of this poem. Black Shuck is definitely a frighteningly awesome subject for a poem. However, I think you can do a lot more with this. First, you could make your lines longer and more descriptive, maybe that's my stylistic preference, but I think when you have such a cool image as a demon dog of death there's room to scare the reader with some evil imagery. Second, I think you should make it more clear that Black shuck symbolizes death. You say in the last two likes that "she stalks you and your child," however, I don't think this gives the impression as a harbinger of death.
Overall, I like where you're going with this and look forward to a revised version.
Best
-Nick
Thanks for your advice, Nick. This is obviously not clear but it's personification of someone ... I figured if I changed to female and a few other things (brown eyes) it would be more clear it's not The Dog.
Folks with kids will likely get the repetition, it mirrors a specific kid's books. The indentation is to pause and highlight a shift.
Here what I am working on is the metaphorical personification..and its not clear enough..meant to be considerably unflattering.... Perhaps title being "Like Black Shuck"?
Ahhhh that makes more sense. I see how this could be just a clever way to call an ex-wife a bitch lol. Still, if your going to use a folklore figure like black shuck you should take advantage of the legend -- you kind of do that with referencing a hidden demon face, but I think you can expand it a bit. Try something that shows she is a shadow hanging over the other parent or child.
Also who is the poem directed to? the parent? the child? At the beginning you do a nursery rhyme-type repetition as if someone's speaking to a child. But at the end, you say "she stalks you and your child" as if a third party is speaking to a parent. I would probably choose one direction, either child or parent. I think probably directing the message to the child would make it more interesting and fantastic.
Good idea