Poetry Forum

One of my first poems. The rhythme needs to be worked on, but I installed many symbols I would like to know what i should change and also if you can spot the symbols.




U

Interesting piece, with a great mood in it. I think it's about a funeral/graveyard? Though I could be mistaken.

I noticed several words were capitalized (Sun, Witnesses, Air, Mound, etc). Was this a stylistic choice? Also, I'd be careful of some of the word choices (in the first verse third line, I don't think "clatter" is the word you want). But overall, there's a fascinating air to the scenario that I enjoyed.

Thanks very much for posting this

(10-26-2010, 04:49 PM)addy Wrote: [ -> ]Interesting piece, with a great mood in it. I think it's about a funeral/graveyard? Though I could be mistaken.

I noticed several words were capitalized (Sun, Witnesses, Air, Mound, etc). Was this a stylistic choice? Also, I'd be careful of some of the word choices (in the first verse third line, I don't think "clatter" is the word you want). But overall, there's a fascinating air to the scenario that I enjoyed.

Thanks very much for posting this

Close what I wanted was what at first seems like a walk through a park, n=but after you notice he is dead, he if going into enternal rest withour acomplishing his dreams.He has many regrets.

Symbols

Symbols

Sun: the sun represents life in most stories, the sun gives warmth and life to all living creatures on earth, but with the quote “The Sun shines on all but him” it means he is lifeless

Stone Crowd: gravestones and the dead people in the graveyard: cold= dead, no pace or sound= not living

Trees: Mourners and other living beings or earth when put into context of leaves (lives) falling off of it.

Leaves: other life’s (DEAD leaves) which are falling or the tears of the trees

Path: the journey of life: (worn, messy)

Guide: death/ angel: (bitter, hymn= holy)

Air: the realisation of life

Mound: weight of burdens

is it okay if we call you mb?
first off we normally don't give an in depth crit to poems posted in the mild critique section. you can always repost it in the serious critique forum if you wish

clutter not clatter in L3

reiteration; the use of the same word or phrase more than once within the poem. when it works it works, when it doesn't it doesn't.
leaves, worn, trees, cold, break (breaks), calm (calms), time.
where ever possible use a different word unless you're trying to echo or trying to emphasise.

halfway through the poem we switch from being the 2nd person to the first. the crossover does jar a little.

from the poem itself i get a feeling of druid come merlin-esque type of poem. some good lines but for me it needs a good pruning.

i'm not sure what you mean by symbols mb?

thanks for the read.

(10-26-2010, 05:16 PM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]i'm not sure what you mean by symbols mb?

I dont know the proper literary device's name,

What is it called if your talking about an object, but it has a meaning behind it.

do you mean a metaphor?

Just to jump in on this discussion a bit, maybe this will help for clarity. Here's a few examples for your reference to determine what you were going for.

Symbolism: Is when you take something and represent it with a symbol. So for example a dove may be placed in a poem as a symbol of peace.

Metaphor: This is when you compare one unlike thing to something else by way of direct comparison (something is something else). Nancy is a pig.

Simile: is when you compare make a similar comparison as a metaphor but soften it a bit using the words "like" or "as".
Nancy is like a pig.

Synecdoche: This is when you use a part of a thing to stand for the total thing. If I called a farmer a redneck that would be an example of a synecdoche. The farmer possesses a neck so that part represents the whole.

Metonymy: Now this is very close to symbolism, with a metonymy you use something to stand for something else, but unlike a synecdoche what you use is not a part of the whole. If I called the same farmer a hayseed that would be a metonymy. Like symbolism with metonymy I could use a scepter to represent the ruling class, or a badge to represent law enforcement.

I know that's a lot but hopefully it will help the dialogue.

Best,

Todd

Just to clarify on the metonomy statement (again more info than you need)...a symbol represents an idea. A metonomy represents an object (person, place, thing). So a peace sign could quite boringly represent peace whereas a tie-dye shirt may represent hippies (who promote peace).

(10-27-2010, 04:00 AM)Todd Wrote: [ -> ]Just to clarify on the metonomy statement (again more info than you need)...a symbol represents an idea. A metonomy represents an object (person, place, thing). So a peace sign could quite boringly represent peace whereas a tie-dye shirt may represent hippies (who promote peace).

I understand, so the air or the mound would be a symbol, while the other "symbols" are really metonymys. thank you