01-13-2016, 09:23 PM
01-14-2016, 05:25 AM
Hi mlund,
A few comments for you on this short piece.
You have a title that is an abstract concept. If you're going to do that it is even more important that the substance of your poem has more concrete imagery. What you are doing here is abstract title and abstract content. Changing the title to something more concrete is also a way to address this issue.
Sometimes I feel so lonely that I have to--weak opening line mostly because of the break on the preposition.
Remove myself
To solitude,
So that for once what I am feeling
Is not all in my head--The main issue i have with the poem, though, is that the speaker mentions what they are feeling but there is no feeling in the poem. The problem with using abstract concepts is that it feels like you are gliding over the poem as you would an icy pond. It possesses a sort of emotional shorthand like it's the cliff notes version of an experience.
Consider more concrete imagery to get to the heart of your idea.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
A few comments for you on this short piece.
You have a title that is an abstract concept. If you're going to do that it is even more important that the substance of your poem has more concrete imagery. What you are doing here is abstract title and abstract content. Changing the title to something more concrete is also a way to address this issue.
Sometimes I feel so lonely that I have to--weak opening line mostly because of the break on the preposition.
Remove myself
To solitude,
So that for once what I am feeling
Is not all in my head--The main issue i have with the poem, though, is that the speaker mentions what they are feeling but there is no feeling in the poem. The problem with using abstract concepts is that it feels like you are gliding over the poem as you would an icy pond. It possesses a sort of emotional shorthand like it's the cliff notes version of an experience.
Consider more concrete imagery to get to the heart of your idea.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
01-14-2016, 07:57 AM
hi mlund.
the things we do to stay sane.
i like the idea but the execution of the thought feels to easy [weak] play around with it and make the reader think a bit. an example;
when i feel
alone i remove myself
try and give the reader something solid; what are you feeling? use metaphor or simile
the things we do to stay sane.
i like the idea but the execution of the thought feels to easy [weak] play around with it and make the reader think a bit. an example;
when i feel
alone i remove myself
try and give the reader something solid; what are you feeling? use metaphor or simile
(01-13-2016, 09:23 PM)mlund Wrote: [ -> ]Sometimes I feel so lonely that I have to
Remove myself
To solitude,
So that for once what I am feeling
Is not all in my head
01-14-2016, 01:05 PM
mlund,
Welcome to the site,
This seems more a run-on sentence than a poem. The phrasing seems generally awkward and the conclusion makes little sense.
" that I have to remove myself to solitude" One can remove oneself from something, but not to something.
Experiments in sensory deprivation tanks proved that isolation magnifies the mental processes, not lessens it. A fact known by Native Americans and other aboriginal tribes for millennium, when they go on the Americanized "Vision Quest". Were it an Anxiety of a specific nature such as being afraid of dogs, then yes, removing oneself from the stimuli would help, but as loneliness, regardless of it cause is within the individual, isolating oneself would not seem a viable answer. As it has been said, "Everywhere you go, there you are!".
Best,
dale
Welcome to the site,
This seems more a run-on sentence than a poem. The phrasing seems generally awkward and the conclusion makes little sense.
" that I have to remove myself to solitude" One can remove oneself from something, but not to something.
Experiments in sensory deprivation tanks proved that isolation magnifies the mental processes, not lessens it. A fact known by Native Americans and other aboriginal tribes for millennium, when they go on the Americanized "Vision Quest". Were it an Anxiety of a specific nature such as being afraid of dogs, then yes, removing oneself from the stimuli would help, but as loneliness, regardless of it cause is within the individual, isolating oneself would not seem a viable answer. As it has been said, "Everywhere you go, there you are!".
Best,
dale