moonlight streams through my window
how many years i've lied here and watched
thinking about anything else
now i wonder what it thinks of me
does it watch me through the window too?
moonlight streams through my window
how many years i've lied here and watched --> awkward. 'Ive lied here and watched...what?'
thinking about anything else --> 'lying, while I ponder everything but its light'
now i wonder what it thinks of me
does it watch me through the window too? --> great last line
- I think if you want to go the route of keeping a poem untitled, it fits. Though its a little cliché. The poem is nice, but the second and third lines need work. They're just a little awkward in phrasing.
(01-10-2016, 01:22 PM)mlund Wrote: [ -> ]moonlight streams through my window
how many years i've lied here and watched
thinking about anything else
now i wonder what it thinks of me
does it watch me through the window too?
What you have here is a taste of what could be personification with the moon watching too. I think it would be interesting if added to that and gave the moon some sensuality and personality. With all these people gazing at him the moon could be quite promiscuous and lusty over his power lol.