Life is like a seashell
Whole, purposeful
Until one day part of it dies
And it spends the rest of its existence
Constantly battling the tide
Being beaten again and again by the waves
Until it emerges on the shore
Finally tangible
But broken
Kudos for continuing your metaphor throughout and not going off track. The problem I have is with the premise of the opening simile (and then on to the entire poem): this is not representing "life" in general, which is simply a matter of energy as any physicist will tell you, but
a particular life. Additionally, when we refer to a "seashell", we're talking about only the shell part so by using the term you're implying that its inhabitant has already died. You mean a shellfish. You don't actually need to beat people over the head with your setup, because from the rest of the poem it's pretty obvious what you're talking about. You could just as easily start with "The shellfish begins life whole, purposeful..."
(01-06-2016, 05:21 AM)mlund Wrote: [ -> ]Life is like a seashell
Whole, purposeful
Until one day part of it dies
And it spends the rest of its existence
Constantly battling the tide
Being beaten again and again by the waves -- "again and again" is pointless repetition. You could try just "battered by waves" or something similar. Use a word that implies "again and again" without actually stating it.
Until it emerges on the shore
Finally tangible -- surely it was always tangible, even under the ocean? And being broken has no bearing on its tangibility, so there's no point to a "but".
But broken
(01-06-2016, 05:21 AM)mlund Wrote: [ -> ]
- Life is like a seashell
- Whole, purposeful
- Until one day part of it dies
- And it spends the rest of its existence
- Constantly battling the tide
- Being beaten again and again by the waves
- Until it emerges on the shore
- Finally tangible
- But broken
I liked this, though (from the second read onward) found myself mentally rewriting as I read. Good - infectious concept!
To venture a few areas for improvement - number, streamlining, and invention.
In L1, What you mean (I think) is that *one* life is like a seashell. It could be good to say so: "One life is ike a seashell" or even (changing simile to metaphor) "One life's a seashell."
As another example of streamlining, L3 could read, "Until its spirit dies," or the like. Target every unneeded instance of "a," "an," and especially "the" for removal.
Invention/inspiration is yours to find, but just a thought (from that mental rewrite), L5 could read, "Toy of the tide" or "Toy of the surf."
Radical line shortening: L7, "Until it rolls ashore."
L9 is almost unnecessary, and "broken" is not supported elsewhere (though, physically, found seashells usually are... gulls). Perhaps L8-9 could work together as "Tangible at last/but empty." Not a serious suggestion there for the replacement - consult your inspiration.
All the above criticism to the contrary, this is an original twist on an often used analogy (see
"The Chambered Nautilus" for an extended treatment, a bit florid in line with its times), modern and - with some editing - concise.
Hi, a few comments for you:
This is actually one of those poems that could provide the answer to its figurative language in the title. Broken Shells doesn't work well since that really isn't the focus. I'm not saying "Life" is better because like "Love" its too overused. That said, some aspect of life or struggle may be better for the title and have the poem do the simile or metaphor.
(01-06-2016, 05:21 AM)mlund Wrote: [ -> ]Life is like a seashell
Whole, purposeful--This seems a weak conclusion and not that interesting. Life starts whole and purposeful. Seems like something more interesting could be here: (i.e., Life is like a seashell you only think you can hear the ocean).
Until one day part of it dies--If its a seashell it's more than partly dead.
And it spends the rest of its existence--Using existence where you've just used life feels redundant.
Constantly battling the tide
Being beaten again and again by the waves
Until it emerges on the shore
Finally tangible--In what way was it intangible before?
But broken
It's a workable idea. It just needs to try a little harder. What it says needs to be a bit more interesting.
Hope that helps some,
Todd
Hello mlund,
I really like the idea behind your poem. I am not accustomed to the sad image of a shell; usually a shell is desirable or enjoyable. I do think your piece could use some revision and refining to hone in on what exactly you want to convey. I added some notes alongside your piece.
(01-06-2016, 05:21 AM)mlund Wrote: [ -> ]Life is like a seashell (I think it might be more effective here if you refer to a specific shellfish for example life is a cockle or life is a conch)
Whole, purposeful (I don't know if purposeful works here. A shellfish service its own niche in the world; it eats and procreates. I suppose it depends on how you define purpose).
Until one day part of it dies (maybe make this mysterious such as something inside dies or the inside dies)
And it spends the rest of its existence
Constantly battling the tide (It is dead and not actively seeking the shore. A victim?)
Being beaten again and again by the waves
Until it emerges on the shore
Finally tangible (I am not sure life is tangible as in something that can be touched)
But broken
(I think it would be nice to have a little something added. A broken shell isn't a pretty one likely to be collected)