I saw the poem
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.
Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.
(11-25-2015, 01:10 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]I saw the poem
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.
Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.
nice one. S1 is great, S2 a let down.
at first it looked like you were talking about a pretty girl, then it seemed more and more likely that you were talking about Alzheimer's. I hope I've got it right. there's no need to clarify anything - this is one instance of where ambiguity makes the poem better.
the image of what were possibly your memories of the afflicted person, rushing through your head in the first instant of bewilderment, like flotsam on a river, and then the underlying sadness sticking around in your head - all wonderful.
S2 is weak. not only am I irritated by the slight ambiguity of 'they' (the wings? other dying people in general?), but also unable to make any sense of that last line. It comes across as a bad attempt at philosophising.
(11-25-2015, 01:10 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]I saw the poem
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.
Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.
Hi, 71, you've got a beauty here. I have no suggestions, every word works for me. I like the breaks, they play tricks without acting tricky.
The S sounds build to the fine spread/sparrow, I picture his skinny arms and agree, he is leaving. It's a heartbreaker.
Heeey, endstops! The punctuation works beautifully. It is complete. Thanks for posting, a keeper for me.
(11-25-2015, 01:10 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]I saw the poem
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.
Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.
I really like the first stanza, and the image of water swirling around a pylon. I can't easily connect it to the sparrow in the second. IMHO, your poem doesn't need that extra image - or if you use it, you need to get me out of the water first.
I'm a fan! This poem is haunting. The length is great, probably one of the things which makes it work best. Here are a few edits I'd suggest to help the narrative flow and for clarity:
(11-25-2015, 01:10 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]I saw the poem in my head
the first time you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in the eddy,
caught by the undertow.
Your arms spread like sparrow's wings,
and I thought
this is how they might look
flying into eternity.
Thanks so much for all the feedback. I'm actually pleased "they" is causing such a ruckus (for some) as far as who or what is the antecedent. I really appreciate the comments. If it's any consolation, the poem is about my father. He passed away after a long struggle w/Alzheimer's. I recently retired and can hardly wait to get old
There's another poem there somewhere.
71degrees
I saw the poem
in my head the first time i love this line. so much is said with so few words.
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything; great, up until the next line, which doesn't quite matched the airy tone you've set
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.
Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity. nice thought here, but could have been better executed. felt a bit rushed. i feel like you fell in love too fast and it really showed near the ending.
Over again I feel your finger and find you, or something of the sort, said Hopkins. I have read this poem many times and never get tired of it.
'you might look'?
(12-15-2015, 09:37 AM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]'you might look'?
'you will look' - 'we all look' ??
(12-15-2015, 09:37 AM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]'you might look'?
(12-15-2015, 09:37 AM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]'you might look'?
'you will look' - 'we all look' ??
I have no words.
i hear the pome in my head with that line, and I hear birds.
Perfection.
Grrrrrrr
(11-25-2015, 01:10 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]I saw the poem
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.
Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.
First Stanza
I noticed that RSaba rearranged the first three lines as:
I saw the poem in my head
the first time you couldn't remember
I see why he would do this because it would strengthen the juxtaposition of remembering and forgetting. However, I feel that the original lines intentionally obscure the juxtaposition enable to simulate the experience of having Alzheimer's. If that was the intention, then maybe you could make the contrast more apparent through word choice as opposed to structural change?
Line 4 is pretty clever.
my name, your tongue wanting
It's interesting how the comma and line break work together to represent the struggle of your father trying to remember your name. You could've easily written it like "Your tongue wanting my name," but that would have diminished the tension that the line helps create.
Second Stanza
I have to agree with what some of the others said. The second stanza seems kind of rushed, and its imagery and structure seem out of place when compared to the first stanza. If you want to make a structural change, then that is fine. It's the volta after all, and it's clear that
something changed. What that something is, I don't know. I feel you could create a more appropriate image to tie in with the first stanza. This could make the ending less confusing
Overall, the poem is solid. I love how the initial stillness of it is weakened by its underlying disjointed structure. You just need to work on that second stanza.
(12-15-2015, 09:37 AM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]'you might look'?
(12-15-2015, 09:37 AM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]'you might look'?
'you will look' - 'we all look' ??
Thanks so much for the suggestion here, Mercedes. I'm inclined to stick w/"they" as already discussed. I like the ambiguity of they for wings or sparrows. "We" won't work only b/c "we" all don't get Alzheimer's. "You" is such a radical change and shifts to the individual a bit too much for me.
(12-31-2015, 02:34 AM)Casey Renee Wrote: [ -> ] (11-25-2015, 01:10 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]I saw the poem
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.
Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.
This is a great short and succinct piece about Alzheimer's. I really like how you convey the sadness using water and undertows. I think your choice is especially meaningful because in this situation there are various undertows in addition to the sadness of forgetting ones name. The image is haunting, emotions and suffering lurking as currents and memories being swept away. That is extremely well done. I like the sudden shift to the wings in the second stanza. I have the impression that time as passed and the circumstances are more dire now. Death at this point is more of a freedom rather than a sadness as indicated by the choice of wings and flight.
It really is a beautiful little piece and immediately attainable by the reader.
I love you, Casey. Let's get married.
(12-17-2015, 08:01 AM)Rogo Wrote: [ -> ] (11-25-2015, 01:10 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]I saw the poem
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.
Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.
First Stanza
I noticed that RSaba rearranged the first three lines as:
I saw the poem in my head
the first time you couldn't remember
I see why he would do this because it would strengthen the juxtaposition of remembering and forgetting. However, I feel that the original lines intentionally obscure the juxtaposition enable to simulate the experience of having Alzheimer's. If that was the intention, then maybe you could make the contrast more apparent through word choice as opposed to structural change?
Line 4 is pretty clever.
my name, your tongue wanting
It's interesting how the comma and line break work together to represent the struggle of your father trying to remember your name. You could've easily written it like "Your tongue wanting my name," but that would have diminished the tension that the line helps create.
Second Stanza
I have to agree with what some of the others said. The second stanza seems kind of rushed, and its imagery and structure seem out of place when compared to the first stanza. If you want to make a structural change, then that is fine. It's the volta after all, and it's clear that something changed. What that something is, I don't know. I feel you could create a more appropriate image to tie in with the first stanza. This could make the ending less confusing
Overall, the poem is solid. I love how the initial stillness of it is weakened by its underlying disjointed structure. You just need to work on that second stanza.
Thanks for the time and effort here. "Tension" is putting it mildly when dealing w/Alzheimer's. I agree with your comments about the second stanza but I can find what's needed in slightly different line breaks, I think. Like your comment about feeling "rushed"...it's exactly what I wanted.
If I neglected to thank someone here, I apologize. I haven't been around much lately. Life gets in the way sometimes. Hopefully, things will change.