Poetry Forum

walking at dusk
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

(10-11-2015, 04:00 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]walking at dusk
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

I'm having trouble with active acorns. I don't think you need the word 'road' there.

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(10-11-2015, 04:00 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]walking at dusk
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

Hi - nice snapshot, but I'm having trouble with active acorns. The way this is written, the acorns could be walking at dusk, sprinkling the blacktop with something.

(10-13-2015, 03:09 PM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-11-2015, 04:00 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]walking at dusk
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

I'm having trouble with active acorns. I don't think you need the word 'road' there.

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(10-11-2015, 04:00 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]walking at dusk
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

Hi - nice snapshot, but I'm having trouble with active acorns. The way this is written, the acorns could be walking at dusk, sprinkling the blacktop with something.

Walking along the road by my house one early evening, several very large oak trees, at the same time and to my amazement, were radomly but steadily dropping acorns to the ground. They sprinkled down all around the trees, some on the earth, some on the road, one on top of my head :-) It reminded me of how water radomly drops off leaves after the rain has stopped. 

Does this help?

walking at dusk-
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

I think, but I'm not sure, that hyphens don't show the turns as well as em dashes -- they usually signify the completion or compounding of a word, instead. But since it is a pain to type actual em dashes (or at least I don't know the shortcut for laptops), I suggest you just do what I do and type a double hyphen, "--". If not that, then again, em dash -- or is it en dash? Now I'm not sure...

As for the haiku, the "sprinkling" doesn't speak random, rain-like dropping to me, not as much as your prose elaboration of the subject, and I don't think the "walking" should really be there. Oh, and I agree with the above, that "road" isn't needed. Now, I can't think of a good substitute for "sprinkling", but if they were the ones to be so scattered, there should be an across, I think, so that they wouldn't seem like the sowers here, but the sown. Perhaps something like:

"night falls--
across the blacktop,
acorns"

(10-13-2015, 10:53 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-13-2015, 03:09 PM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-11-2015, 04:00 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]walking at dusk
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

I'm having trouble with active acorns. I don't think you need the word 'road' there.

---

(10-11-2015, 04:00 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]walking at dusk
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

Hi - nice snapshot, but I'm having trouble with active acorns. The way this is written, the acorns could be walking at dusk, sprinkling the blacktop with something.

Walking along the road by my house one early evening, several very large oak trees, at the same time and to my amazement, were radomly but steadily dropping acorns to the ground. They sprinkled down all around the trees, some on the earth, some on the road, one on top of my head :-) It reminded me of how water radomly drops off leaves after the rain has stopped. 

Does this help?

walking at dusk-
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

You might try to get in the sound of them falling,  or the bop on the head, or that might be haiku #2.

Here's a link on where to find the em dash on different keyboards.
http://www.dashhyphen.com/dash-keyboard/

(10-14-2015, 06:50 AM)ellajam Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-13-2015, 10:53 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-13-2015, 03:09 PM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]I'm having trouble with active acorns. I don't think you need the word 'road' there.

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Hi - nice snapshot, but I'm having trouble with active acorns. The way this is written, the acorns could be walking at dusk, sprinkling the blacktop with something.

Walking along the road by my house one early evening, several very large oak trees, at the same time and to my amazement, were radomly but steadily dropping acorns to the ground. They sprinkled down all around the trees, some on the earth, some on the road, one on top of my head :-) It reminded me of how water radomly drops off leaves after the rain has stopped. 

Does this help?

walking at dusk-
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

You might try to get in the sound of them falling,  or the bop on the head, or that might be haiku #2.

Here's a link on where to find the em dash on different keyboards.
http://www.dashhyphen.com/dash-keyboard/

Appreciate all that. Thank you. Yes, I thought about the sound too. haiku #2 may be the way.

(10-14-2015, 06:50 AM)ellajam Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-13-2015, 10:53 PM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-13-2015, 03:09 PM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]I'm having trouble with active acorns. I don't think you need the word 'road' there.

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Hi - nice snapshot, but I'm having trouble with active acorns. The way this is written, the acorns could be walking at dusk, sprinkling the blacktop with something.

Walking along the road by my house one early evening, several very large oak trees, at the same time and to my amazement, were radomly but steadily dropping acorns to the ground. They sprinkled down all around the trees, some on the earth, some on the road, one on top of my head :-) It reminded me of how water radomly drops off leaves after the rain has stopped. 

Does this help?

walking at dusk-
acorns sprinkle
the blacktop road

You might try to get in the sound of them falling,  or the bop on the head, or that might be haiku #2.

Here's a link on where to find the em dash on different keyboards.
http://www.dashhyphen.com/dash-keyboard/

what do you think about the word chinkle or chinkling instead of sprinkle. That seems to me to add "sound" to the idea, no?