Still messing around trying to get it right, let's see if this is closer
Edit 1
Chicken wings take flight
Plant feet wither or harden
No matter what: death
original
Chicken wings? Plant feet?
Coward act? Gory glory?
False bravado kills.
(10-07-2015, 06:48 PM)Weeded Wrote: [ -> ]Here goes another attempt at a haiku, let me know if I messed up 
Chicken wings? Plant feet?
Coward act? Gory glory?
False bravado kills.
While the premise/conclusion content fulfills the main requirement for a haiku,
the narrative is too extended and the conclusion shouldn't be a literal pronouncement.
Agh I'm sorry Ray I'm not sure I understand when you say the narrative is too extended.. do you mean I focus too much on the single ideas?
(10-07-2015, 07:49 PM)Weeded Wrote: [ -> ]Agh I'm sorry Ray I'm not sure I understand when you say the narrative is too extended.. do you mean I focus too much on the single ideas?
Oops, here I go being too nebulous again.
Chicken wings? Plant feet?
Coward act? Gory glory?
False bravado kills.
Lines 1 and 2 contain four items.
Each line should a contain a single image/idea.
"Chicken wings?" and "Plant feet?" are partial images/puns that aren't that bad for a haiku.
"Coward act?" and "Gory glory?" are abstracts that aren't that useful to a haiku.
Line 3 should NOT be an author-provided conclusion.
It needs to be an image/idea that is a necessary (though maybe surprising) result of 1 and 2.
Ahh ok yeah it felt risky going with the double idea per line, thought I might be able to get away with it
Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on it some more.
(10-07-2015, 08:41 PM)Weeded Wrote: [ -> ]Ahh ok yeah it felt risky going with the double idea per line, thought I might be able to get away with it
Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on it some more.
Thinking that you might be able to get away with it is the very soul of poetry.
Keep heading in that direction.
(10-08-2015, 10:14 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: [ -> ] (10-08-2015, 09:38 PM)ellajam Wrote: [ -> ] (10-08-2015, 09:33 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: [ -> ]
Thinking that you might be able to get away with it is the very soul of poetry.
Keep heading in that direction.
Ain't that the truth, worst that can happen is you don't get away with it and edit, the sky does not fall. And every now and then it works.
But if the sky did fall... what better to inspire a poem?
Nah, it'd be all moany and groany, not my cup of tea.
Hmmm, on second thought I've pulled one or two out of the sky falling so OK, yeah.
(10-07-2015, 06:48 PM)Weeded Wrote: [ -> ]Still messing around trying to get it right, let's see if this is closer
Edit 1
Chicken wings take flight
Plant feet wither or harden
No matter what: death
I like this. Hum.
Why "chicken wings"? Anything about food here? Either chickens or wings, for me.
With "chicken wings", I at first thought those feet were also of chickens. Now I'm hungry. Maybe make plants more, er, specific? Or are these really the chickens' feet, in which case you may need a bit of clarification.
Not sure how wither or harden are really different in message, but the subtleties between them's nice. I like that.
That ending. Isn't this too, I dunno, nihilistic for a haiku? But nevermind that.
Rivernotch,
Glad you like this. I was referencing the principle of fight or flight in this, I decided to attack it with puns. Yeah I guess the ending is, huh? I'm still trying to get down the proper content for haikus ha
(10-09-2015, 08:15 PM)Weeded Wrote: [ -> ]Rivernotch,
Glad you like this. I was referencing the principle of fight or flight in this, I decided to attack it with puns. Yeah I guess the ending is, huh? I'm still trying to get down the proper content for haikus ha
The general rules I got from this book on haikus I've only just started on states that haikus (in Japanese) should be
1. as plain as possible
2. as pointy as possible (that is, they must have a turn somewhere)
3. as pastoral as possible (well, not pastoral, but I like my alliterations. They must have one "seasonal" or "natural" word)
4. and as 5-7-5 as possible.
In English, I think only the first three rules apply. Then there's poems that only follow the first two rules, and there's a specific term for that, but I don't remember. Anyway, point is, I don't think three line these sorts of three line poems generally have to have the same philosophy with their messages: they could be happy, sad, angry, whatever, as long as they follow those first two rules, which your poem does follow. So no need to be really concerned with your message, I guess, unless you wanna flesh it out more or whatever. (which in three lines, you actually can! The world of haiku is astoundingly deep, like a good sewer system)
98.42% of poems are bullshit
99.98% of haiku are bullshit
karma
cat -
steamy turds
I'm curious where you base your statistics
I think they have these massive competitions in Japan for haiku where practically 99.98% of all haiku are simply not considered or something.
Hum. If that statistic on haiku is true, then Basho's one exceptional bastard.
(10-10-2015, 01:27 PM)Weeded Wrote: [ -> ]I'm curious where you base your statistics
My statistics, like most poems, are made from whole cloth.
(10-10-2015, 01:34 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: [ -> ]I think they have these massive competitions in Japan for haiku where practically 99.98% of all haiku are simply not considered or something.
Hum. If that statistic on haiku is true, then Basho's one exceptional bastard.
Yes, he is.
My favorite is Issa, one of the greats (along with Basho and Buson).
My favorite translator is Robert Hass.
This book is available from U.S. Amazon (look at the used ones) for around $5 U.S. including shipping.
Anyone even faintly serious about haiku should read it.
"
The Essential Haiku: Versions of Basho, Buson & Issa - Robert Hass (Editor, Translator)"