FROM THE TAPPAN ZEE
It’s a dismal shot to that god damn city
you can hardly see her through the fog
and sometimes you don’t, or never do
it depends on how often you’ve crossed
but she looks like she stabs straight
out of the water
like she ascended with exhaust
she’s a siren with a cigarette
I know
‘cause I’ve crossed that bridge before
after a while, I quit looking to the side
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Very new and very short one. Looking to go further with it. As usual, beat it up.
Thanks.
(08-19-2015, 10:26 AM)Cousin Kil Wrote: [ -> ]FROM THE TAPPAN ZEE
It’s a dismal shot to that god damn city Why not put a period here? Would this be better as "It's a dismal shot of that god damn city"? The rest of the poem is about the view of the city, not the distance (the meaning I got from "shot to").
You can hardly see her through the fog
and sometimes you don’t, or never do
it depends on how often you’ve crossed
but she looks like she stabs straight
out of the water
like she ascended with exhaust, I think the "like" from two lines up still applies here, no need to have another one in this line.
she’s a siren with a cigarette Too many "she's" for me.
I know,
‘cause I’ve crossed that bridge before I think there should be some punctuation here. I pause after "before".
after a while, I quit looking to the side
------------------------------
Very new and very short one. Looking to go further with it. As usual, beat it up.
Thanks.
I'd never heard of the Tappan Zee bridge, but I googled it, and from that google I presume the city is New York. I like the idea of the poem, learning to avoid looking at this particular landmark.
I think this thing really needs more punctuation though (it's just one long sentence right now). I had to reread sections and add my own punctuation as I read it in order to give it the appropriate pauses, and that's work I shouldn't have to do.
First, I think you need to decide whether or not you’re going to use punctuation at all. This poem exemplifies what my colleagues refer to as “punctuation-lite.” Try creating multiple versions with both perfect punctuation and no punctuation at all. This will allow you to play with pacing without drawing attention to the punctuation marks you used. I believe this piece would function well with no punctuation at all, but that will ultimately be your decision.
The first line did a good job drawing me in. Reading your poem made me want to research the bridge in question, which is always a wonderful outcome.
I think it’s interesting that you use personification here, rather than concrete imagery to make the reader understand the Tappan Zee. I feel as though some writers would fall into the trap of thinking that’s the only way one could do it, and I’m glad you didn’t. The fog/straight out of water/exhaust/cigarette images you made through this technique resonate with me.
This may be nitpicky, but I’m uncertain that you need “I know, ‘cause” in the poem at all. running cigarette to crossing makes the siren idea more robust in my mind. I also wonder if it wouldn’t sound better without “after a while.”
(08-19-2015, 10:26 AM)Cousin Kil Wrote: [ -> ]FROM THE TAPPAN ZEE
It’s a dismal shot to that god damn city Why god damn, as if it's the city's fault? (I know what you mean.)
you can hardly seen her through the fog
and sometimes you don’t, or never do not at all?
it depends on how often you’ve crossed
but she looks like she stabs straight Far too many uses of she
out of the water
like she ascended with exhaust or ascending?
she’s a siren with a cigarette
I know
‘cause I’ve crossed that bridge before
after a while,eventually/gradually? I quit looking to the side
------------------------------
Very new and very short one. Looking to go further with it. As usual, beat it up.
Thanks.
You've got some meaningful imagery going on here, but you must communicate it to the reader in the fashion that you want. That includes where accent and stress should be placed via certain words, line endings etc. Minimal punctuation doesn't achieve that: what's the message if readers look at it different ways?
If this piece was properly punctuated, you'd force pauses on the reader just where
you want to emphasise the images. And paring out excess words will tighten it up no end.
Just a few suggestions if you could use them. I've enjoyed the mood you've set with this, and look forward to any rework.
(08-19-2015, 10:26 AM)Cousin Kil Wrote: [ -> ]FROM THE TAPPAN ZEE
It’s a dismal shot to that god damn city[-] looking forward to see how this goddamn city is so damned. interesting opener, but you really do need to punctuate your lines. a dash at the end of this would work well, i think.
you can hardly see her through the fog[.] perhaps that's why your city is so damned. it's just too damn foggy.
i like this line... maybe end it on a period.
(and sometimes you [just] don’t), or never do like what you're trying to say but 'or never do' totally contradicts l2. i say this line would do well in parentheses, but that's just personal opinion.
it[It] depends on how often you’ve crossed [this bridge to heaven,] crossed what? 'the bridge' seems to fit but very vague here. if you do mean bridge make sure to specify where to. comma to end?
but she looks like she [danced?] stabs straight
out of the water[.] believe me, you can't stab out of something. in addition, the present-tense verb 'stab' doesn't make sense. past-tense?
like she ascended with exhaust these three lines lost me. sound pretty, but make no sense to me. also, punctuate these lines!!!
she's[She's] a siren with a cigarette i feel like this line is supposed to have an impact on me, but it doesn't. there's no expansion on this siren-with-a-cigarette thing. it makes for a bad transition to the next line.
I know[,]
‘cause I’ve crossed that bridge before[.] and there it is! the bridge. end this on a period.
after [After] a while, I quit looking to the side[.] ah. i like this line. to me, it implies the bridge is in/near the city, and your magical girl is somewhere in it.
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Very new and very short one. Looking to go further with it. As usual, beat it up.
Thanks.
i really hope you go further with this one. personally, i think it has a lot of potential, but you really do need to fix your punctuation at the end of your lines. otherwise the lines sound jumbled together and aesthetically, it reads like soggy pudding. combined with erratic capitalization, it comes off as a bit all-over-the-place. i made a few changes to the poem above, but those are just my suggestions and feel free to ignore them.
anyways, the overall content of this poem is vague. i see a foggy city and a girl and a bridge and dark water, but not much else. you have some distinct imagery (disregarding the 'like she's ascended with exhaust' line-- please, please fix/remove that) that form an interesting picture, but to me there's no action going on.
i always think it's a good idea to really think of what you want to say. or the story you want to tell. and tell that story in a concise, consistent way-- whichever way that will best enhance your story.
but as it is, it's already pretty good. good luck if you intend to edit!
hopefully i gave you some food for thought.
43.
Hi, Cuz. Tappen Zee is lovely on the tongue and a glorious site, makes me want to write a very different poem than this one.
Your opening line establishes hostility immediately and with "sometimes" and "after a while" gives a possible cause of a loathed commute but for the city to be god damned I'd like a stronger basis for the discontent. I also think a change to something like
She stabs
straight out of the water,
ascends in exhaust.
would support the beautiful siren line better.
I think you could get more out of the last line, it indicates a focus on the negative but I'd love to see a bit of what you used to see from the side and whether or not you miss it.
Thanks for the read and the inspiration, good luck with it.
(08-19-2015, 10:26 AM)Cousin Kil Wrote: [ -> ]FROM THE TAPPAN ZEE
It’s a dismal shot to that god damn city
you can hardly see her through the fog
and sometimes you don’t, or never do
it depends on how often you’ve crossed
but she looks like she stabs straight
out of the water
like she ascended with exhaust
she’s a siren with a cigarette
I know
‘cause I’ve crossed that bridge before
after a while, I quit looking to the side
------------------------------
Very new and very short one. Looking to go further with it. As usual, beat it up.
Thanks.
Hello all!
Very sorry I haven't responded to the critiques on this one, I've been sick and honestly forgot about checking back up on it.
Punctuation seems to be the resounding theme here, so I will sniff out a way to make it work.
"Punctuation-lite" (as Matt put it) is a pervasive "style" (I know calling it a "style" will piss off more than a few of you) in a lot of my poetry and for my finished pieces written in that way, I wholeheartedly believe it works. It's not shortcutting; it really adds something to the delivery and reception of those poems.
But this one ain't finished. And obviously, "punctuation-lite" isn't working for it. All the critiques here are invaluable because they give such a good perspective on how the work is being read, so I really appreciate everybody's input. For now though, it's back to the drawing board on "From The Tappan Zee". I'm not quitting on it, it'll just be a while 'til I put up another edit.
I'm in the creative throws of a separate thread of poetic inspiration/impulse. I'll revisit when it chews me up and spits me out. Here are some short individual responses
WJames: I'm glad the poem had you interested enough to look up the Tappan Zee. That's part of what I was hoping for out of this piece, to inspire a little inquiry if the reader was unfamiliar with the bridge. Also glad to know the idea came across to you on the meaning of the poem, though upon rereading I saw you wrote 'landmark'. The idea was more about avoiding New York, becoming disillusioned with it in driving by so many times on the bridge, knowing it's just a temptress, "a siren with a cigarette". If this is not what you had in mind then I'll have to articulate better in the piece as well as tighten the punctuation. Thanks!
Matt: I appreciate the idea on how to rework, will definitely be putting that into use. Also, glad you enjoyed the personification. I think part of the idea in doing that was to extenuate that this is a personal relationship and the narrator takes the deceit of the city personally. Don't know if that came across well, but I thought it was a good subtle implication. Happy to hear my imagery resonated (always am) and I will keep your other suggestions in mind.
John: As I said before, I will definitely work on the punctuation. I totally understand and agree on making the way its read definite in order to pack the most punch. Glad the mood was set right and the imagery was meaningful.
Fluorescent43: Will definitely be going forward on this so no worries! Also, I hate soggy pudding and I don't wanna write soggy pudding, so I will tighten up the punctuation for sure. Also, why do you dislike "she ascended with exhaust"? I thought it fit quite well with the image of the city, like the city wasn't raised right. It was raised with car fumes and cigarette smoke. That was what I was going for, just thoughts. All in all, I appreciate the critique.
Ellajam: I'm very glad you wrote about the reasoning behind it being a "god damned" city. There should be more explanation, but I did like that opening line into it, so I will probably fit the reasoning in after. Also, I really am happy you said the siren line was beautiful- that is my favorite part about this poem so it meant a lot. Happy to leave you inspired to write something, thanks for the critique.
Many thanks and I appreciate everything guys,
Cousin
(08-19-2015, 10:26 AM)Cousin Kil Wrote: [ -> ]FROM THE TAPPAN ZEE
It’s a dismal shot to that god damn city
you can hardly see her through the fog
and sometimes you don’t, or never do
it depends on how often you’ve crossed
but she looks like she stabs straight
out of the water
like she ascended with exhaust
she’s a siren with a cigarette
I know
‘cause I’ve crossed that bridge before
after a while, I quit looking to the side
------------------------------
Very new and very short one. Looking to go further with it. As usual, beat it up.
Thanks.
Possibly my interpretation is completely off, but I like it enough that I'm going to believe mine over the correct answer. This poem reads as a poem talking about a lover that he is about to have sex with again. The poem seems incapable of being part of a city because the words do not characterize a city, they characterize a living, breathing, person. I'm sure your intent wasn't this in the making of this poem but none the less, I genuinely loved it for my misconstrued interpretation.
As things to potentially fix, check your pronouns. "
out of the water," This would be from the water if we are indeed referring to a city. "
she’s a siren with a cigarette" With? Why not "She's a siren and a cigarette." "And" would show the addictiveness of both and sounds fancier. Again, "... I've crossed that bridge before," "This bridge", and then "that city." We are to understand the author is on the bridge, "this" shows immediateness, whereas "that" shows a level of distance we aren't meant to feel.
Overall an intoxicating threading of words and a very picture-perfect image of perfection with just the right amount of deviation from the mundane.