Poetry Forum

Cohort

Ashamed and hesitant,
I told her I smoked.
Her face lit up.

Sweet little cameo, made me smile
Has the feel of one of those old one line jokes that 70's comediamn trotted out.
Last line is a cliche but it fits the feel of the poem so no crits.

(07-17-2015, 03:38 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]Cohort

Ashamed and hesitant,
I told her I smoked.
Her face lit up.

This is the perfect "getting to know you" moment. It could apply to so many things but the smoking is absolutely in the current mindset. Well done.

I am up in the air on whether "I revealed that" might replace "I told her". I don't think you need it with your successful first line, I just love the sound of the word revealed. I guess your simplicity is better, thanks for the read. Good title, too.

Cider, thank you. I had to use the somewhat cliche last line in order to get the double meaning out of "lit up". I am thinking I could just say "She lit up". But it sounds a little joke-like and loses some of the plot.

Ella, "revealed" indeed sounds nice and is quite accurate. It would actually make a good title but since you're happy with the one I got, I will leave it for now. Thanks.

Paul