summer, 1984 (my twelfth year)
Sometimes,
I pretend my ceiling is the night sky,
that the broken light fixture is the moon
surrounded by thousands of silver stars.
At night,
the grumbling of my stomach doesn't end.
There is never enough of the bland cheese
or powdered milk we get from the old church.
Yesterday,
I asked my mother if we were poor folk.
She smiled, shook her head no and continued
to patch holes in my jeans that had no knees.
Tonight,
Dad says that I can sleep out back under the stars.
I pretend the night sky is my ceiling,
that the moon is a brand new and bright light.
(03-15-2015, 02:27 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]summer, 1984 (my twelfth year)
Sometimes,
I pretend my ceiling is the night sky,
that the broken light fixture is the moon
surrounded by thousands of silver stars.
At night,
the grumbling of my stomach doesn't end.
There is never enough of the bland cheese
or powdered milk we get from the old church.
Yesterday,
I asked my mother if we were poor folk.
She smiled, shook her head no and continued
to patch holes in my jeans that had no knees.
Tonight,
Dad says that I can sleep out back under the stars.
I pretend the night sky is my ceiling,
that the moon is a brand new and bright light.
This made sense to me except for the last stanza and the time reference. Dad "says" that I can sleep out...indicates to me that it hasn't happened yet, they are talking about it but in the next line you are there. I think grammatically, this is probably correct, but it just sounds off to me somehow. Another nit might be the detail about "no knees...a big much maybe? I do like the juxaposition of the pretend ceilings. The poem is real to me. A solid read and message.
(03-15-2015, 02:27 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]summer, 1984 (my twelfth year)
Sometimes,
I pretend my ceiling is the night sky,
that the broken light fixture is the moon
surrounded by thousands of silver stars.
At night,
the grumbling of my stomach doesn't end.
There is never enough of the bland cheese
or powdered milk we get from the old church.
Yesterday,
I asked my mother if we were poor folk.
She smiled, shook her head no and continued
to patch holes in my jeans that had no knees.
Tonight,
Dad says that I can sleep out back under the stars.
I pretend the night sky is my ceiling,
that the moon is a brand new and bright light.
I really like this poem.
Oh, yeah, critique (it's mostly about unnecessary words):
1st stanza: "silver stars" why not just "stars"
2nd "or" might be "and the" and the "old church" could be "church"
3rd "poor folk" could just be "poor" , "that had no knees" isn't necessary, "no" isn't necessary
4th "that" isn't necessary, and bright" in last line is not necessary, breaks the rhythm.
Excuse me a bit, I'm not trying to re-write your poem so much as I'm trying to give enough
examples to make my point. Personally, I think too many modifiers dilute the rhythm,
the feeling, the impact. "Too many" is not quantifiable, it's up to the writer.
As far as tense goes: I think you've established when it happened in your title;
the body itself is free to be in the immediate (forceful) present tense.
That said, it's a
fine poem as is, quite wonderful.
(03-16-2015, 09:19 AM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ] (03-15-2015, 02:27 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]summer, 1984 (my twelfth year)
Sometimes,
I pretend my ceiling is the night sky,
that the broken light fixture is the moon
surrounded by thousands of silver stars.
At night,
the grumbling of my stomach doesn't end.
There is never enough of the bland cheese
or powdered milk we get from the old church.
Yesterday,
I asked my mother if we were poor folk.
She smiled, shook her head no and continued
to patch holes in my jeans that had no knees.
Tonight,
Dad says that I can sleep out back under the stars.
I pretend the night sky is my ceiling,
that the moon is a brand new and bright light.
This made sense to me except for the last stanza and the time reference. Dad "says" that I can sleep out...indicates to me that it hasn't happened yet, they are talking about it but in the next line you are there. I think grammatically, this is probably correct, but it just sounds off to me somehow. Another nit might be the detail about "no knees...a big much maybe? I do like the juxaposition of the pretend ceilings. The poem is real to me. A solid read and message.
thanks 71, i'm glad you caught the time reference error, i'll adjust it in the edit. much obliged for the crit!
(03-16-2015, 10:18 AM)rayheinrich Wrote: [ -> ] (03-15-2015, 02:27 PM)cjchaffin Wrote: [ -> ]summer, 1984 (my twelfth year)
Sometimes,
I pretend my ceiling is the night sky,
that the broken light fixture is the moon
surrounded by thousands of silver stars.
At night,
the grumbling of my stomach doesn't end.
There is never enough of the bland cheese
or powdered milk we get from the old church.
Yesterday,
I asked my mother if we were poor folk.
She smiled, shook her head no and continued
to patch holes in my jeans that had no knees.
Tonight,
Dad says that I can sleep out back under the stars.
I pretend the night sky is my ceiling,
that the moon is a brand new and bright light.
I really like this poem.
Oh, yeah, critique (it's mostly about unnecessary words):
1st stanza: "silver stars" why not just "stars"
2nd "or" might be "and the" and the "old church" could be "church"
3rd "poor folk" could just be "poor" , "that had no knees" isn't necessary, "no" isn't necessary
4th "that" isn't necessary, and bright" in last line is not necessary, breaks the rhythm.
Excuse me a bit, I'm not trying to re-write your poem so much as I'm trying to give enough
examples to make my point. Personally, I think too many modifiers dilute the rhythm,
the feeling, the impact. "Too many" is not quantifiable, it's up to the writer.
As far as tense goes: I think you've established when it happened in your title;
the body itself is free to be in the immediate (forceful) present tense.
That said, it's a fine poem as is, quite wonderful.
ugh. i see what you mean, it's a little bloated in spots
i always struggle with wordiness! thanks ray!
Tonight,
Dad said that I could sleep out back under the stars.
I'm pretending that the night sky is my ceiling
and the full moon is a brand new light.
I agree with the other two critiques.
Nice idea. Nice clear idea. Unfortunately the writing is not as clear as the idea, but that is just a matter of time and work.
Best,
Dale
(03-19-2015, 06:40 AM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]Tonight,
Dad said that I could sleep out back under the stars.
I'm pretending that the night sky is my ceiling
and the full moon is a brand new light.
I agree with the other two critiques.
Nice idea. Nice clear idea. Unfortunately the writing is not as clear as the idea, but that is just a matter of time and work.
Best,
Dale
thanks for weighing in, Dale. i like what you did there, that clears things up. i'll try and post an edit here soon. i appreciate the critique!