Poetry Forum

It all came gushing out…

A strong and steady flow

of all the years I tucked beneath

a blanket made of woe.

And though they hardly spilled,

I’m sure I didn't know

the drops that sailored down my cheeks

would never ever go!

I knew him like a verse

tattooed across my bones,

his words would charge and bruise my flesh:

a hurricane of stones!

I wish I could have said

by means of sighs and moans,

he never fucked me quite as right

as did the tailor, Jones!

And now I'm all alone

curved inside his eye

Good-bye, good-bye,

good-bye, good-bye!


Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye!

(02-19-2015, 03:26 AM)februarious Wrote: [ -> ]It all came gushing out…

A strong and steady flow

of all the years I tucked beneath Are "all the years" really "gushing out"? Are they the "strong and steady flow" for that matter? This needs some clarification. While I can see what you mean just by inferring, making the reader guess doesn't add to the poem if you ask me.

a blanket made of woe. I thought this was bordering on being a cliché. It's just too melodramatic for my tastes and I think juxtaposes if not makes a mocker of the emotion later in the poem. I understand you are working within the confines of a rhyme scheme and somewhat strict meter, but I think you can come up with something more original if you work at it.

And though they hardly spilled, Try not to start sentences with conjunctions if they have no relation to the previous sentence. Granted doing so is a bit of a universal bad habit that our language (particularly spoken language) has adopted, but in an art form like poetry we only want the best use of language!

I’m sure I didn't know

the drops that sailored down my cheeks Typo? I've ever heard of the word "sailored" and I'm quite sure it isn't a word.

would never ever go! Unnecessary exclamation. Use exclamations sparingly in poetry because they give a kind of pomposity that typically doesn't fit the mood of poems these days. Unless of course you're doing a sort of pastiche in an old style.

I knew him like a verse I'm not sure that "I knew him" is needed, and might even confound this stanza. Maybe "He was like a verse..." is a better fit?

tattooed across my bones,

his words would charge and bruise my flesh:

a hurricane of stones! Unnecessary exclamation (see above).

I wish I could have said

by means of sighs and moans,

he never fucked me quite as right

as did the tailor, Jones! No need for a comma after tailor, unless the speaker in the poem is talking to someone named Jones. There is also another unnecessary exclamation.

And now I'm all alone Conjunction at the beginning of a new sentence. This one isn't as bad, but I still find it unnecessary.

curved inside his eye

Good-bye, good-bye,

good-bye, good-bye!


Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye! Probably more than enough uses of "Good-bye".

Overall I'm intrigued by this poem. Looking back at it I'm beginning to wonder if it is supposed to be a metaphor for someone weaving a blanket? It's definitely vague enough that it's a possibility, but if that is what you're trying to convey I think you could go about it in a less ambiguous way. If it is intended to be read more literally, as I did when compiling my comments above, try clearing up the hazy language. Make it so that we as readers are set in the speaker's mind instead of floating between seemingly unrelated subjects and images that are merely strung together. Good start!

Hi Feb, you have some fresh and interesting lines that give the reader a connection with a well covered theme, I think you could improve this with a brutal cut that drops out unnecessary lines and forced rhymes. I hope you don't mind as this is in mild but I have done a hard edit of your poem below, no changes just cuts to show you what I mean, hope it works. Keith

(02-19-2015, 03:26 AM)februarious Wrote: [ -> ]It all came gushing out,
all the years I tucked beneath
and though they hardly spilled,
the drops that sailored down my cheeks
would never ever go!

I knew him like a verse
tattooed across my bones,
his words would charge and bruise my flesh:
a hurricane of stones.
I wish I could have said
he never fucked me quite as right
and now I'm all alone,
curved inside his eye

Good-bye, good-bye,

good-bye!

(02-19-2015, 03:26 AM)februarious Wrote: [ -> ]It all came gushing out…
A strong and steady flow A flow of all the years tucked beneath a blanket. I think you are saying that you're this person sitting here making this blanket (weaving) over the years, which have been filled with woe. Thus, a blanket of woe, or you're tucking in the woe. Right? If so, it's a flow of years... not sure if that makes sense. What about a steady flow of tears? I just don't know how you can have a flow of years, but maybe I'm the minority.
of all the years I tucked beneath
a blanket made of woe.
And though they hardly spilled,
I’m sure I didn't know
the drops that sailored down my cheeks
would never ever go!
I knew him like a verse
tattooed across my bones, I like those two lines: tattooed -> bones
his words would charge and bruise my flesh:
a hurricane of stones! I disagree with the comment above me. I think this exclamation is fine.
I wish I could have said
by means of sighs and moans, Just now got this the second time, excellently phrased double entendre (misery/pleasure)
he never fucked me quite as right
as did the tailor, Jones!
And now I'm all alone
curved inside his eye Don't understand this one.
Good-bye, good-bye,
good-bye, good-bye!
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye!
Strange ending... I'd like to see what others think of this. I think it may be a cop out...

Hi there. I want to preface this by saying I like this poem, because it's different. It leaves me thinking. Good imagery, particularly the strange connection between woe and pleasure/sexual tensions. It reminds me a bit of a Poe poem, although it doesn't seem so melancholy (but maybe that's why I think so -> strange rather than overtly sad).
You might want to look at a few of the lines I mentioned and really figure out what you are trying to say; figure out if there is a better way to say it that is more easily understood by the reader. I like ambiguity as much as the next guy, but sometimes it can be confused with a lack of meaning, which I don't think you want for this poem.

-BW