There are many people on the Metros advance
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles' hospitality dropping change
in leather hands for sand-paper smiles
(01-30-2015, 02:42 PM)tmanzano Wrote: [ -> ]There are many people on the Metros advance
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles hospitality dropping change
in their leather hands for sand-paper smiles
Hi tman,
this is one if the very few examples of utterly poemless prose that works. It is quite cerebral and tends to lock very quickly on to the grasshopper thought process which is how most of us use our brains. I have few complaints about the content or form but must point out that by its very nature work like this is beyond critique....oh, howls of dissent, up they go....but the down side is it cannot be made better or worse by the opinions of others....so I cannot even say "well done".
Perhaps when I read your critiques on other's work I will form an opinion.
Best,
tectak
Apostrophe Angeles' (?)
I ride on these trains quite often, though I don't live in those communities.
(01-30-2015, 02:42 PM)tmanzano Wrote: [ -> ]There are many people on the Metros advance -- I feel like this could be a poignant critique of Ezra Pound.
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet -- The train that goes by Compton often has a performer in it.
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases -- I'm not sure about the word scourge. Though, it may work to provide a strong tone, it suggests that everyone who writes graffiti is a "scourge."
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing -- Not sure about zombie addicts. It may have been said before.
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles hospitality dropping change
in their leather hands for sand-paper smiles -- Interesting ending here.
Left some comments based on my opinion.
H I am not sure about this. It is difficult to comment. It seems to be thrown on paper quickly and has no substance. Also I do not understand it much. Perhaps you could relook at it. I cannot make it work or comment further.
(01-30-2015, 05:30 PM)tectak Wrote: [ -> ] (01-30-2015, 02:42 PM)tmanzano Wrote: [ -> ]There are many people on the Metros advance
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles hospitality dropping change
in their leather hands for sand-paper smiles
Hi tman,
this is one if the very few examples of utterly poemless prose that works. It is quite cerebral and tends to lock very quickly on to the grasshopper thought process which is how most of us use our brains. I have few complaints about the content or form but must point out that by its very nature work like this is beyond critique....oh, howls of dissent, up they go....but the down side is it cannot be made better or worse by the opinions of others....so I cannot even say "well done".
Perhaps when I read your critiques on other's work I will form an opinion.
Best,
tectak
Apostrophe Angeles' (?)
I am sorry for the delayed thank you and critique from everyone.
@tectak - I understand completely. I am not a frequent source of critique. I will leave comments but mostly to praise a peice that has resonated in me. I beleve critique is a skill set and not to be taken lightly (cop out). I enjoyed your reprised head scratch of this piece and of me. I am sure I will fail your anticipated gatherings and assesments of my writing as it tends to be bad to palatable. I only hope that you keep your good humor invested in me. I hope to spend more time here going forward. Thank you.
I will make the revision to Los Angeles'. You are correct.
(01-31-2015, 01:50 AM)Brownlie Wrote: [ -> ]I ride on these trains quite often, though I don't live in those communities.
(01-30-2015, 02:42 PM)tmanzano Wrote: [ -> ]There are many people on the Metros advance -- I feel like this could be a poignant critique of Ezra Pound.
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet -- The train that goes by Compton often has a performer in it.
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases -- I'm not sure about the word scourge. Though, it may work to provide a strong tone, it suggests that everyone who writes graffiti is a "scourge."
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing -- Not sure about zombie addicts. It may have been said before.
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles hospitality dropping change
in their leather hands for sand-paper smiles -- Interesting ending here.
Left some comments based on my opinion.
Ah, another Metro rider. I ride the blue up from Long Beach to Downtown. Thank you for your reply.I wrote this as one sentence, a bullet thought. Maybe that might help the reader. With this said, I see a revision in the ending line. I need to remove "their". I was hoping to capture a thought string together. I'll admit it was a stretch. This is what a momentary muse feels like after a year of not feeling one. You get an explosion of drivel. Thank you for your kind words Brownlie.
I may need to change something here,
- madly quiet stobbing graffiti
of - should be
amoung?
(02-01-2015, 05:35 PM)monmac Wrote: [ -> ]H I am not sure about this. It is difficult to comment. It seems to be thrown on paper quickly and has no substance. Also I do not understand it much. Perhaps you could relook at it. I cannot make it work or comment further.
Ha! I understand. I really do. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of writting for the reader. I am hoping to get back in the saddle... it has been awhile.
(02-04-2015, 12:33 PM)spacecadet78 Wrote: [ -> ]There are many people on the Metros advance
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles hospitality dropping change
in their leather hands for sand-paper smiles
Very stream of consciousness and chock-full of interesting imagery.
"dropping change in their leather hands for sand-paper smiles"
I like this. Not only the alliteration of 'sand-paper smiles', but how it describes how something positive like a smile can be abrasive or misleading.
I do so appreciate your comment on the ending. I will make one revision though. I will be removing "their" in that last line. You captured a very labored write and for that I am grateful.
(01-30-2015, 02:42 PM)tmanzano Wrote: [ -> ]There are many people on the Metros advance
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles' hospitality dropping change
in leather hands for sand-paper smiles
This is the kind of poetry I like to write and read. It has such a cool cerebral essence to it, that is far more endowed with feeling than it seems at first.
"argyle sweaters tethered in knows over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks"
I can't help but imagine a cold New York night. I was taken aback by Los Angeles, though I see how it fits in with the final line. With the line I quoted, I wonder if you meant that the cheeks have gone blue with the cold or a brutal beating?
Wonderful work. Thank you!
(02-06-2015, 08:59 AM)februarious Wrote: [ -> ] (01-30-2015, 02:42 PM)tmanzano Wrote: [ -> ]There are many people on the Metros advance
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles' hospitality dropping change
in leather hands for sand-paper smiles
This is the kind of poetry I like to write and read. It has such a cool cerebral essence to it, that is far more endowed with feeling than it seems at first.
"argyle sweaters tethered in knows over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks"
I can't help but imagine a cold New York night. I was taken aback by Los Angeles, though I see how it fits in with the final line. With the line I quoted, I wonder if you meant that the cheeks have gone blue with the cold or a brutal beating?
Wonderful work. Thank you!
I did mean beating, and to turn the other cheek. Thank you for the wonderful comment. Very gracious.
(01-30-2015, 02:42 PM)tmanzano Wrote: [ -> ]There are many people on the Metros advance
from Compton to South Central's madly quiet
strobing graffiti of scourge and briefcases
standing out before the zombie addicts wearing
dresses over pants passing time in dark brown
peacock tatter green shirts layered under
argyle sweaters tethered in knots over
midnight blue bruised concrete chipped cheeks
turned by Los Angeles' hospitality dropping change
in leather hands for sand-paper smiles
this is really well written, I can see you don't like drug addicts or graffiti artists very much... the ending is really nice though with leather hands and sandpaper smiles, though. Really captures the vibe of being on a metro train/In a metro stop. I believe punctuation and separating the ideas in here might make it read a little bit more easily, but this is the first time I've critiqued something, so I'm not sure how I'm doing... maybe punctuation would be the thing I struggled most with as a reader, but as a writer I can tell this was probably hurriedly written ON the train or IN the stop... good descriptions though!